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Posts by caozeyuan
Joined: Jul 7, 2013
Last Post: Jul 8, 2013
Threads: 3
Posts: 9  
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From: China

Displayed posts: 12
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caozeyuan   
Jul 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl: more important to work at a job that you enjoy than to earn a lot of money [8]

Oh my goodness! I'm sorry but I have to say that you really can't get a good score with that essay! All parts of it is too short! You should make a board statement or an quote or an anecedote or any thing interesting to grab your reader's attention. Then you need to narrow down your topic, that is, relate what you've written in the first sentence with the assignment. THe third sentence will be your thesis statement, in which you give your opinion and three main reasons. NEVER say " for three reason" but say " for A, B and C". FOr body paragraphs what you need is supporting details, that is, examples rather than reasoning. Pure reasoning is NEVER enough to get your readers fully convinced! While in the conclusion part, you first need to restate your thesis, or put paraphrase it, as my English teacher puts it. THen you need to relate your conclusion to your introduction, relate to the very first sentence, which is called the "Hook" by the way .
caozeyuan   
Jul 8, 2013
Undergraduate / essay- family influence An college application essay [5]

PLease help me wiz the following essay. I need to hand it in tomorrow so I rushed through wirting it today. I want some constructive idea, as much as possible!

Throughout my childhood and teenage years, my parents have put great effort in shaping me into a great person. Because they help me building many positive personalities, I am now A person with strong sense of justice, sympathetic, and many others. However, I believe passionate, challenging and optimistic are three personalities that affect me the most.

One of the most influential thing my father did to make me passionate is to discuss many cutting-edge biology issues with me. When I first went to the lab at Peking University, I was amazed by how advance it was. So I just focus on the lab techniques rather than the idea behind these experiments. To help me think more deeply about lab researches, my father talked about experiments when he saw magazines or newspapers discussing them. Then makes me realize that doing research is not merely working with high-tech equipment, it's more about thinking critically and apply basic knowledge to solve problems. So after a few weeks, when I look at my lab work, I looked at bigger pictures, that is , how to think as a scientist.

Also, my parents encourage me to take great challenges. Our school offers a math course called " Further Math", which is the most tough math course offered my the CIE committee. I enrolled in to but I have never expected that I would enormous difficulty right form the start. Because the textbook is every abstract and the homework is extremely difficult, I thought that I'd better drop it. However, my idea was immediately rejected by my parents who said that trying to take challenge and then I would grow up. So I put a lot of efforts into studying it, searching related materials online and buy math reference books. Now I am quite enjoying this course and I even got an A in my first exam.

The third character that my parents help me building up is an optimistic personality. When I was at junior school, my classmates always laugh at me because I run slowly than most other students. They poke fun at me whenever there is a PE test, so I often run to home, crying all the way. At home, my parents would comfort me and say that it's not a big deal because every one has strengths and weaknesses. Although I do not run very fast, I read lots of books so I acquire knowledge much faster than other people. My parents taught me that I should not be disappointed by failures because one will encounter numerous failure throughout life, so failure is nothing special but is something worthy reflecting upon. They said that everything has good and bad effects, if I can learn to look at the good side, then I will be optimistic and gain a happy life.

My parents really had great influence on me, teaching me important view of life, and building up my positive personalities. I will take the words my parents said to me all the time and use them to guide my life
caozeyuan   
Jul 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / Can a child be taught talents or he is born with talents? [5]

I think your essay is too short. You should give more details, examples, rather than just use reasoning to argue your idea. I'm not saying reasoning is bad,but sometimes concrete evidence is more convincing.
caozeyuan   
Jul 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / Are Technology and Tradition incompatible? ; TOEFL [5]

t is a fact that the advancement in science and technology often accompanies decline in historical traditions. This is not necessarily a good thing, but helpful because we eliminate out dated part of traditions while preserving the useful part. Also, it is natural that people find convenient ways of doing things.

First of all, increased understanding in science and technology helps us to get rid of useless and harmful superstitions. For example, we all know that thunder and lightening are not the results of gods being angry, but are electrical current in the air. Likewise, flood is not the result of angry gods because people do not offer sacrifice to the gods regularly, which is a common belief decades ago. These superstitions are out of date, so modern science helps us to clarify them.

Secondly, our life has been made much easier because the advancement of technology. For instance, computer, along with the Internet, is one of the greatest inventions in the 20th century, and now it is used extensively by almost everyone.

We can enjoy the convenience of "home shopping" via Internet. All you have to do is to visit a shopping website, click on the item you want to buy and make an online payment. It is much easier than having to shopping on foot. The second convenience that Internet brings us is " home office", that is, people do not need to go to the office anymore. They can simply work at home and communicate with their colleagues using email or cell phone. This makes working a lot more comfortable and enjoyable.

Thirdly, technology can help us to preserve useful and pleasant aspects of our cultural traditions. Take the Chinese Lantern Festival as an example. Traditionally, people would make lanterns using red paper and bamboos. However, now people use modern material to make to lantern and use beautiful patterns design by computer programs to make them look more attractive. In addition, now people use light bulbs to light the lanterns instead of candles, so the lanterns are less likely to burn and are therefore much safer.

For the reasons discussed above, I strongly welcome the advancement of science and technology. In the meantime, we should not forget that there are useful traditions to be preserved and superstitions to be eliminated.
caozeyuan   
Jul 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / More reliance on technology for problem solving affects human's ability to think [4]

As the guy before me said,you essay is too short and you need to have a clear structure.You should write at least write two body paragraphs and develop both of them. Clearly, your essay lack the second body as well as a conclusion. You should also further develop your first body, probably back it up using clear reasoning and evidence
caozeyuan   
Jul 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / Understanding Who we are! ; SAT Essay [6]

Actually I think it's a well-writen one, at least a lot better than my own! But is it too short for a SAT essay. I always believe that examees should write 400 words or more
caozeyuan   
Jul 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / Should elder people live in nursing houses or stay with their family members? [6]

Nowadays, the increasing population of older people becomes a problem that many countries need to deal with. People now can live longer than before for due to various reasons. They must be given a decent amount of care so that they do not feel lonely. Living with lots of peers in a beautiful and well-equipped nursing house can be one choice. However, I would advise senior citizens to stay in homes with their family members.

The first reason to address is that now older people are still healthy and active because of advanced medical care and improved life style. Elder people feel that they need to contribute to the community and involve in many activities. If these requirements are not satisfied, then they feel that they are not part of the society, and being excluded. For example, my community just established a resident committee. Most of the members are retired people who want to improve our life in the community. They gather in a hall every week and discuss important issues like building a new gym, and paving sidewalks. By getting involved in activities like that, they contribute to the community and thus gain a sense of fulfillment.

Although living at nursing houses give senior citizens an opportunity to share their stories with peers, they suffers from the loss of family life. Nowadays, elderly people are no longer passive members of a family. They have the capability of shouldering more responsibility after retirement. In fact, the sense of well being for these people depends greatly upon being involved in family duties. For example, my grandmother, over 80 years old now, still cooks lunch for me when I do not need to go to school. My grandfather sweeps the floor and does other chores. They like to take family responsibilities because they feel that they are active members and should get involved in these activities.

As suggested above, living with family members have obvious advantages over living in nursing houses. Elderly people can involve in community and family activities so as to gain a sense of fulfillment and enjoy their life better.
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