Posts by Aloha363

Aloha363

Sep 16, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Children & their own money? lack of self-control and financing conception [7]

Generally speaking, allowing children to manage their own money at their early age can lead to children a responsible life, the advantages of this issue overweigh the disadvantages of this issue, in my point of this view, children should control their own money with the accompany of their parents' closely guide.

There're two "issue" in this sentence. U can use " problem " , "matter" ... . This sentence has 2 main points . The first point is : Generally speaking, allowing children to manage their own money at their early age can lead to children a responsible life, the advantages of this issue overweigh the disadvantages of this issue . The second is : in my point of this view, children should control their own money with the accompany of their parents' closely guide .

I think that this sentence need to be divided into 2 different sentences

Aloha363

Sep 16, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Children & their own money? lack of self-control and financing conception [7]

aliceNN
Well, from my point of view , I think your ideas are quite good. U're trying to make complex sentences . However , u have some trouble with ur vocabulary, especially in long senteces. For instance

Via this process, children would make up for their over-spending mistake , learn how to make the cost more sensiblely, consequently, to be an more planful and responsible adult.

this sentence should be separated

Aloha363

Sep 16, 2013

Writing Feedback / Do you think mathematics can predict divorces ? [2]

In the contemporary eras, predicting divorces based on Mathematics is a matter of increasing concerns . Some people claim that divorces are belong to Psychology, meanwhile ; theoretical contains Mathematics . To my view , my answer would be a yes . And I guess this is probably due to the fact that the accuracy of mathematics in many specific areas , especially in predicting divorces. In the mathematics of marriage, certain expressions of emotion carry a disproportionate amount of emotional weight Physiological data, such as pulse rates was collected, analyzed and calculated from videotaped conversations between couples . This is an empirical fact that the result of correct researches is a remarkable figure accounting for 94% in 2012 .

This topic is quite difficult :( . I need one more point . Could someone help me think about the other points and check this writing above for me :) ? Thanks for reading :D

Aloha363

Sep 16, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Children & their own money? lack of self-control and financing conception [7]

As every coin has two sides, children learn to manage their own money at their early age would cause some disadvantages to them

On the other side , learning to manage their own money at early age would directly cause them bad effects

as we know, compared to adults, children would lack of self-control and financing concept, so they may can't stand of temptation of delicated toys, beautiful dress, lovely dolls, etc, and thus spend majority of their own money to buy these items without carefully consideration

This sentences is too long . U can divide it into : " as we know, compared to adults, children would lack of self-control and financing concept, so they may can't stand of temptation of delicated toys, beautiful dress, lovely dolls, etc . Consequently , they waste majority of their own money to buy these items without carefully consideration

Aloha363

Sep 16, 2013

Writing Feedback / Plato statement - There are many different types of music; Why we need it? [6]

relax

We can replace relax by using recharge batteries

music is a necessary part of human existence

Music is really an indispensable part of human life

Aloha363

Aug 27, 2013

Writing Feedback / Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people [3]

Topic : Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together. To what extent do you agree that the internet is making it easier for people to communicate with one another?

In contemporary life, Internet has spread out rapidly to every coners of the world, as a result; it connects us much closer than ever. I determinely support this contention and my reason are outlined below

To start with, a very first important point to consider is that there are an enourmous number of people using Internet all over around the world. Therefore, they can easily have a chatting or games with the people coming from another countries which was difficult to do in the past . This is an emperical fact that my brother has had a lof of forgein friends since one year ago when he started to use social network on the Internet

What is more, another thing I would like to mention is that Internet contains a huge site of information which is free to access . It leads to the fact that people have more chances to discover another cultural or other national detail . My brother, again, learned a lof of difference languages through the Internet which help him confident to communicate with foregin .

To conclude , Internet plays an important role in bringing people together . It not only pulls people living around the world closer but also creats a clearer understanding of life in another areas

Thanks for watching .Could u correct it and give me the band score of this ielts writing :D . Again , thank you very much