Posts by raya1001

raya1001

Feb 12, 2014

Writing Feedback / Winter Carnival Queen Scholarship Pageant Essay [3]

The other day on television I saw a story that compleatly horrified me. A woman had owned several pets. They were neglected, and abused so badly, that many of them lay emaciated; near death in her front yard. The animals were taken away from her and she was forced to pay a small fine. The very next day, she purcahsed a new puppy.

It has been said that people come into our lives for a reason. I believe that the same can be said about animals. At the age of 17, I was diagnosed with a rare form of melanoma. To be honest, once I received the diagnosis, I wasn't sure I would be able to attend college, let alone finish highschool. I actually ended up graduating from highschool early, but my fears about college became true as I had no choice but to put off attending my dreams of a higher education due to the extensive radiation treatment I had to receive to get healthy again. I felt powerless against this thing that was slowly taking my dreams, my goals, my aspirations, and my strenth away from me. The only one who was really there for me during my toughest days was Caroline, a stray cat I found abandoned and starved. She looked, how I felt. I took her in, and we became the companion each other needed to help both of us through our most difficult of time.

As she got better, I develpoed a new purpose. Suddenly, I had a burning desire to advocate for animals like Caroline who are unable to guard against the cruelty of their caretakers. That cat helped me just as much as I helped her that year. I guess you can say she saved my life in a manner of speaking. Even though I am still fighting the cancer today, I believe that Caroline is the reason I am doing much better.

I would like to attend The Animal Behavior College to pursue the first step of my dream, and that is getting my veterinearian assistant degree. It is an intense program which starts off with five months of online study. Subsiquently, I will be required work at a veterinary hospital for six months to receive hands on training. When I complete the program, I would love to work for the Whyndam Humane Society as an emergency veterinary technician, or at any animal rescue group who shares my passion. It is my ambition to campaign for more severe consequences for the negligent actions of animal abusers.Ultimately, I see myself fighting for the justice of every hurting, neglected, and abused animal as an Animal Control Officer. Alternatly, I would like to establish, here in Brattleboro, a dog park, made available to all pet owners. Currently there is no place in our community where people can bring their dogs to socialize and play with other dogs, or to run freely off leash.Currently I volunteer at the local shelter and am working very hard planing and organizing events and fundraisers to help raise the money and resourses to get this idea off the ground.

Up until caroline I had lost the clear goals I had for my future. If I were to win this scholarship, it would not only give me the chance to better my life, but the lives of many animals. Every life is precious and even animals want and deserve to feel what it's like to be loved. Without this scholarship, I will most likely need to put off school until I am able to pay off my medical bills and expenses. Treatment has been costly, and most likely I wont have them paid off for a few more years, and I don't want to have to wait any longer to pursue my studies.

raya1001

Feb 12, 2014

Writing Feedback / Winter Carnival Queen Scholarship Pageant Essay [3]

Growing up I never had a clear goal for my future. I have always had so many interests but I could never pin point one career I would like to do for the rest of my life. I did a little of everything I liked and explored all of my options. I looked at a lot of different schools and spoke with my teachers and consolers about what they thought would be a good fit for me, but I still couldn't decide what I wanted to be.

Finally, I got the sign I needed. When I was diagnosed with a rare form of melanoma at the age of 17, I wasn't even sure if I would get to go to school. I graduated high school early and had to put off going to college to receive radiation treatment, and to get myself healthy again. The only one that was really there for me through my toughest days was a stray cat I found abandoned and emaciated. I took her in and from that moment on I have had a burning desire to work in animal cruelty cases either as an animal cop or an emergency veterinary technician. I know that cat helped me just as much as I helped her that year, and even though I am still fighting the cancer today I believe she is the reason I am doing much better today.

I would like to attend the animal behavior college to pursue the first step of my dream and that is getting my veterinarian assistant degree. The program starts off with five months of online study. After I complete that I will have to work at a veterinary hospital for six months to get my hands on training. When I complete the program I would love to start working for the humane society or another rescue group and start getting some experience. Eventually after I have worked in the field for a few years I can become an animal cop and start getting justice for every hurting animal.

I do not believe that the punishments for animal abuse are harsh enough and there needs to be reform. After I complete school I am going to fight for more severe consequences for the abusers negligent actions. I would also love to make dog parks available to all pet owners. Here in Brattleboro, and countless other small towns across the country, have no place they can bring their dogs to play with other dogs and run around like they are free. Dogs need that, and I will be working on getting one built first here in Brattleboro and then hopefully other towns after that because I believe it's important. I am also starting to volunteer at the local shelter, and I plan to organize events and fundraisers to help them raise money and resources.

If I was to win this scholarship money it would not only give me the chance to make my life better, but the lives of many of animals. I want to save, rehabilitate, and rehome animals that are victims of animal abuse because every life is precious and even animals want and deserve to feel what it's like to be loved. Without the scholarship I will most likely need to put of school until I pay off my medical bills. Treatment has been expensive and I most likely won't have them paid off for a few more years, I don't want to wait that long to begin my studies.

raya1001

Oct 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / "Patrick walked into the room and spotted sandy sitting alone" [4]

Every time he saw, talked, or even looked at Sandy he would blush and look down at the ground. That was the day Patrick figured out that Sandy was the one for him.

Looks good
maybe say: It was on that day, he knew that Sandy was the one for him. (honestly you don't even need this it sounds fine as is. Just playing with the sentences to see if you like this)

saw, talked to, or even looked...( this one you need, it reads better to say talked to, rather than just talked)

Hope this helps, good job!

raya1001

Oct 12, 2013

Graduate / Indian Institute of Managment, Ahmedabad (IIMA) PGPX - Essay -1 [7]

Sorry took so long to get back to you. I hd a test I had to study for :)

My experience spans over 10 years as a legal professional from being an academician at National Law University, Jodhpur - one of the best law school, to being an in-house counsel in Reserve Bank of India - country's Central Bank and Monetary Authorty. In this professional journey I have had the opportunity of learning about the theoretical aspects of law as well as how legal prescription can shape public policy especially in banking and financial sector.

I love what your are sayng in the paragrah, very impressive, but it sounds/reads like your trying to impress the reader. It's not a very strong opening, but it's not bad. It is my experience that trying to sound impressive with jargon & squeezing in a lot of information that may not be needed, does not always impress. you may need some re-wording/working here. it's ok to be simple:

ex: I have over ten years of experience as a legal professional starting from by years as a student at The National Law University, Jodhpur, to being an in-

house counsel in Reserve Bank of India.In my professional journey...

In modern times law and management has become

.... not sure if it just uploaded this way, but this should be the start of your new paragraph. On this display it looks like it's a part of your first paragraph, but reading it, it feels like it should be the start of a new thought/direction in the piece.

ok everything else looks great I love the order, I love what your saying. I like the flow and how you broke it into sections (i) (ii) (iii) etc..

until...

Hence, PGPX is the best programme

...
this should be the start of a new paragrah. It also feels like your mocking me the reader, by starting off with Hence, almost like your saying "Duh can't you see why I like this program,did I have to spell it out to you with my bullet points?" It is also very slightly similar to your bullet point (iii) I had to read this a few times because I thought you had typed the same thing twice. I understand that you are just trying to reinterate your point. Perhaps you can combine the two{(iii)-the end} and make your current bullet point (iii) part of your conclusion.

Also, you focus a lot on what the program can do for you, maybe use a new bullet point (iii) to say something about what you can bring to the program. My mother, when I was young, made us go to these high schools where you had to audition and go through an interview process to get in. I will never forget on my little brothers interview he was asked why they should let him in. He talked about what he could learn and get out of the school, but then he said I think that your school could also learn a lot of new things from me as well (or something along those lines). He got in and the admissions are still talking about how this little 8th grade kid impressed them by saying that one sentence, because all they ever here I get this and I get that, but never I have something to offer you in return. You have over 10yrs experience let them know what you have to bring to the table.

Hope this helps. These are only suggestions. You don't have to follow them, if you don't agree. Overall I thought it was very good!

-Raya

raya1001

Oct 9, 2013

Graduate / Indian Institute of Managment, Ahmedabad (IIMA) PGPX - Essay -1 [7]

Martin, can you tell me what the question/requirement is that you have to answer in writing this essay? I will be in a better position to help you, I think knowing this information.

raya1001

Sep 29, 2013

Graduate / DPT AdmissionEssay:How will graduate degree help you attain your goals? [6]

Thank you.

raya1001

Sep 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / [toefl] Youth do not give enough time to help their society? [7]

You're welcome! Do you mind taking a look at my essay as well? Thanks!

raya1001

Sep 29, 2013

Scholarship / Did I smell bad? ; Questbridge/Significant experience, achievement, risk,ethical dilemma [6]

Hi do you mind taking a look at my essay as well. Thanks!

raya1001

Sep 28, 2013

Graduate / "Wake up! It's already 6am!"; Autobiography for Physical therapy Graduate School [3]

Do you mind reading my paper as well? I am also trying to get into a DPT program. Thanks!

. It felt as if I was in competition each day, especially with my sister-in a competition to leave behind the unsafe community we called home.

I think you can get rid of the especially with my sister. It's not needed. Also, I am unsure of what you mean by unsafe. Unsafe to me depicts something scary or dangerous. You say unsafe, but I don't get why home is unsafe. If you are saying the competion is unsafe I need to feel that element of danger while I'm reading. The paragrah works without that statement. or you can say living with 7 people was a challenge, especially with my sister. and use examples of competetion,but make them against her since she is the subject of the second paragraph.

My family could tell you that I am inherently self-driven and focused. However, I've been described several times as self-consumed. Being extremely ambitious at a very young age has caused me to overlook my surroundings and not understand the meaning of compassion. My sister and I were in the varsity team for high school volleyball, when one day at practice our coach made us run two miles. As I was finishing my first mile, my sister was nowhere to be seen until I glanced at the ground and saw her sprawled out on the floor. This was the moment where my life perception altered, and I learned about my sister's eating disorder which evoked an urge in me to take part of her life in helping her overcome her struggle. It is through this very experience that I learned that to me self-fulfillment is not only about focusing on one's own self-improvement, but also by empathizing with others. Through this experience I've developed into a character who understands what compassion is and who became impassioned in the health sciences.

you never want to make any negative statements about yourself (self-consumed). (not understanding meaning of compasion). I think you should start with My sister and I were... this would work well if you take my suggestion for paragraph one about focusing on competetion between you and her.

During this time, my father had gambling problems causing a great financial burden that placed our home in jeopardy.

get rid of this, more negativity. too much information for the admission people. Say after being accepted...

After being accepted to San Diego State University, my mother was adamant about me not going to college and voiced that clearly to me. She wanted me to find a job instead.

due to some financial burdens that our family was currently facing

After graduating high school I held a seasonal job as a lifeguard. Upon completing the intense lifeguard training, the real pressure became present knowing that people's lives and safety were my primary responsibility. One day on stand, an elderly guest was going down a water slide, when a young individual came rushing down the slide right behind her. This caused the two people to collide. The elderly guest was immobile from the impact. As the first responder, I tried to calm the injured guest by explaining the importance of keeping her back stable and steady to prevent further injury. When the second responder arrived, we looked at each other knowing the critical part would be transferring the guest from the slide to the backboard while keeping her trunk stabilized and immobile. From this experience where I ensured the safety of the guests and provided proper treatment has taught me to react calmly and effectively in critical circumstances. It also reassured me that I made the right decision in pursuing a career in the health sciences

This paragrah doesn't go with the rest of the story. It's like some piece of random information you stuck in there. I know that there's a message you want to tell with this paragrah, but it doesn't mesh well with the rest of your essay. I wish I could give you and Idea on how to make this relate better. I know the feeling of really wanting to mention something in writing, but it not working with the rest of the essay. I think instead of this one you should just go right into that next paragrah about after summer was over...

and I felt I was treading water to stay afloat

get rid of this more negativity and extra/TMI for the admission people. it makes it sound like your complaining that you had trouble handeling the job. You don't want them to think you're easily discouraged or can't handel something. Just take this sentences out and say how you remembered the voice.

After the summer ended

(comma)

I began working as a physical therapist aide for an orthopedic clinic.

However my father's gambling addiction became worse and placed a major burden/stress on me. He spent money carelessly and had to ask family members for money, including myself. Twice a week, my father would ask me for money to pay the bills and to put gas in his car. This circumstance forced me into an unpleasant situation that tested my ability to make the right decision (despite of my emotions) when I discovered my father used part of the money I lent him for gambling. I decided to stop lending my father money and told my mother. Although this was an unpleasant situation,

:) you know what I'm going to say about this right?

Try this instead:

I began working as a physical therapist aide for an orthopedic clinic. During my sophomore year of college, I was juggling being a full time student, an employee working 9-10hour shifts, an active member in Future Physical Therapist Organization, and volunteering in a Hospital.

during this time, my family was experiencing more financial turmoil, and I found myself emotionally compromised. However,

I learned how to manage my time, remain focused under stressful situation and most importantly, I learned how to make a decision based on what is ethically right opposed to an emotional judgment.

Reflecting on the past

I took something with me, the confidence in myself to make good decisions and in helping others. Throughout my

experiences, community, and career involvement,

I discovered my interest in the importance of physical health, body mechanics and enjoyment in being able to make a difference in someone's life; not just by helping a patient regain their lost abilities, but to also help them regain their confidence. With optimism and determination I am ready to face the challenges of graduate school so one day, with certainty I can make a difference in someone's life.

By the way I really liked your opening paragrah, it set the tone for the paper and I was very interested in what you had to say, but you need to be able to hold that interest and make all of the stories/experiences come full circle by the end.

These are only suggestions, you don't have to use any of them if you don't agree or you can use all of them, some of them whateve. Hope this helps and good luck!!!

raya1001

Sep 27, 2013

Writing Feedback / [toefl] Youth do not give enough time to help their society? [7]

they knew the individual would not stay alive and succeed without other people's assist.

I think using th actual word assistance would be better.

Nowadays some people think the youth spent most time for their own success or improvement, rather than helping their society.

the you spend most of their time for...

I do not support that idea;

put a period after this one an then start your next sentence.

I think if young people try to improve their livings, indirectly they improve their community.

I am not sure what you mean by livings. Do you mean living environment? this statement is unclear.

It may look like when the young people try to be successful, he is thinking only of himself rather than other people in his society; it can be correct, but indirectly they affect other people's lives by providing them with knowledge, new skills, and new industries

this sentence needs a little organization. It seems you are having touble expressing the thoughts clearly. You should start the sentence with Although it appears that when young people try to be successful, they are only thinking of themselves. get rid of other people in the society because you alreay mentioned that in the first paragraph as well as weather it's correct or not. Go on to mention However, they indirectly affect...then continue the thought.

the second part is great, but way too many examples, also you need to decide if you are going to use the generic examples, or the life expirece examples. perhaps you can use one of each..

Think of a doctor who wants to find a medication healing incurable illnesses to be famous all around the world; He would give health for millions of people.

For instance, I know a doctor who does not get any money from his patients once a week.

then go on to say how this helps the society.

I would say there are always bad and good people in the society. We cannot eliminate all of them from our societies, what we should do in training the youth to follow the right path. We all know that personal success lies under the society's success. Better community is not achievable without trying hard

this is a great conclusion

raya1001

Sep 27, 2013

Scholarship / Did I smell bad? ; Questbridge/Significant experience, achievement, risk,ethical dilemma [6]

This was a great essay. It caught and held my attention from the begining until the last sentence. I like how you tied it all together at the end.

raya1001

Sep 26, 2013

Graduate / DPT AdmissionEssay:How will graduate degree help you attain your goals? [6]

The question is: In one page stress your goals for pursuing graduate studies and how your degree will help you attain your personal and career goals.

looking for critique and Did I answer the question they asked? Does it flow, make since, or interest you? Also, I am questioning the paragraph breaks. Thanks for your help and suggestions!!!

When I graduated from Florida State University in 2003, my dream was to become an account executive at a major advertising firm. And, I was well on my way. For three years, I worked as a marketing and event coordinator for The McDonald's Corporation, but then something happened.

My husband, Ethan, was hit by a drunk driver while crossing the street. He was rushed to the hospital in critical condition. The hit-and-run driver had broken both of his legs and his ankle, torn tendons in his knees, cut his right tricep, fractured his pelvis, and left him in a neck brace for three months due to a possible neck fracture. Doctors told us that he was lucky to be alive.

The next nine months for him would prove to be a challenge, as he found it both difficult and frustrating to rely on others for help with simple tasks such as bathing, walking, and even eating. Throughout his physical rehabilitation, I noticed how appreciative he became at the slightest return of any mobility, despite the slow pace of his recovery. Today, aside from a few scars you would never even know that there was a time in his life that he was virtually disabled. His story is one of the reasons I have chosen to pursue a career in Physical Therapy.

Since my husband's accident, I have had a lot of time to reevaluate both my personal and professional career goals. Today I am working in a 150 bed nursing home and assisted living facility as a Licensed Nursing Assistant Activity Aide. I can say that for me, there is a reward in working one on one with residents of a nursing home to improve their spirits and their quality of life. In my years working with the aging population, I have seen firsthand the frailty that results from the loss of muscle strength due to age decline and the inability of an individual to live an independent life.

I have empathy and compassion for my residents and through my experience with my husband. I understand the frustrations associated with loss of independence.

I am seeking higher education with the DPT program at American International College because, I sense an increasing need for Geriatric Physical Therapist. As such, I can work to help improve the functioning abilities of my residents, and in turn continue to improve their spirits and their quality of life. That, to me, is the beauty that I see in this career.