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Posts by hgood
Name: Hannah G
Joined: Oct 14, 2013
Last Post: Dec 31, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 6  
From: United States of America
School: Briar Woods High School

Displayed posts: 10
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hgood   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Equarithmophobia - UVA Quirk Essay [3]

Please, please, please help!! Anything is appreciated, however harsh or generic or even if you think it sucks. I'm a little wary of the ending and whether or not I've answered the prompt enough, so help there would be cool too, thanks.

Prompt: We are a community with quirks, both in language (we'll welcome you to Grounds, not campus) and in traditions. Describe one of your quirks and why it is part of who you are.

I suffer from Equarithmophobia. Don't try and look it up, you won't find it anywhere. Not even on Wikipedia. You see, Equarithmophobia isn't a recognized phobia. I made it up. I patched together a real phobia and a half of a Latin word I somehow recalled from middle school and now I have a rehearsed answer to every "tell us an interesting fact about yourself" that's thrown my way. "Well?" you ask, "What's it mean?" I, Hannah Grace Goodwyn, survivor of an all-boy family, veteran of six international moves, conqueror of half-marathons, am terrified of even numbers.

It's embarrassing, sure. Most people think I'm joking; I wish that I were. My fear has seeped into nearly every aspect of my life. I can't listen to music on an even volume. I get fidgety watching a TV show on an even channel. There is a piece of duct tape over the shiny 4 on the bumper of my Toyota RAV 4 because the number taunted me daily. I even like some of my own pictures on Instagram to make the count odd, a considered the ultimate taboo in the world of social media.

I'm slowly getting over my fear, but I predict it will never fully dissipate. My brothers chanting sequences of even numbers no longer causes me to hyperventilate, yet I don't see myself ever living in an even-floor apartment. While I constantly curse my antipathy to such an unavoidable concept, I am thankful that I have something that makes me truly unique.
hgood   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / I've got a golden ticket! - 'try something new' [2]

To my surprise there was another layer, of shiny gold. I pull out the shimmery paper and realize I have won: a golden ticket to any university of my choice!

...there was another layer. Curious, I pull a shimmery, gold slip of paper out from under the chocolate bar. It takes me a moment to realize what it is: a golden ticket to the university of my choosing!

Then I realized, Notre Dame is much more than just test scores and grades.

I'm not sure if you're still working on this essay or not, but if this is it than you need to think of another way to end it. Add a sentence about how you regain your confidence or you can't compare yourself to others or something like that.
hgood   
Dec 31, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay - Protecting Endangered animals is not important? [2]

I would take out "in my opinion" from the first sentence. The reader already knows that it is your opinion, plus stating it like a fact makes your argument seem stronger. Also, I think "In conclusion" would sound better than "Concluding." Otherwise good!
hgood   
Nov 13, 2013
Undergraduate / USC Essay: Unknown Phenomena "Amazing Ants" [2]

This is for the University of South Carolina's Honors Program so I'd really appreciate any help I can get! No such thing as too harsh. I drafted this up really late at night so the end gets kind of generic, but I plan on adding in a couple extra paragraphs when I'm not so tired.

Prompt: Generally people are only familiar with a small fraction of the world's processes and phenomena, whether natural or manmade. Identify one that you believe people should understand better and explain why.

When I was 11 years old my aunt gave me an ant farm for Christmas. It was simple: plastic green frame, white sand, a generic farm scene displayed in the background. I spent endless hours observing the tiny workers as they determinedly excavated tunnel after tunnel after tunnel. It wasn't long before the entire panel of sand became a network of abstractly latticed shafts leading to chambers with designated purposes, much like a pint-sized mansion. There was a dining room, a pantry, various bedrooms, even a morgue. I carried the mini metropolis all around the house, terrified I would miss out on an exciting battle over the last breadcrumb or a funeral for one of the fallen.

I was mesmerized, fascinated, by these seemingly trivial insects that I had so often before trampled to a pulp on the sidewalk. Ants are virtually supernatural. For one, they exhibit unbelievable strength. I witnessed individuals transporting morsels more than twice their size. To put this into perspective, imagine a human being able to carry a refrigerator up a flight of stairs with relative ease. Some species of ants can spit acid. Trap ants can shut their jaws at a whopping 140 miles per hour and with a force 300 times its own weight. Wingless ants can glide through the air. As I continued my research, I only verified why films about giant insect invasions are appropriated placed in the horror category.

Perhaps more incredible than their abilities is the similarities between ants and humans. I observed them playfully romping with one another, communicating via antennae, fighting, and, as always, diligently working. They had feelings. I saw ants pouting in the corner. I saw ants defending the injured. More than once, I kept vigil at a funeral gathering for one of the fallen. One ant would carry the deceased to its final resting place, closely trailed by the rest of the colony. They would crowd into the room, wait for a period, then trail out one by one, as if paying their final respects.

Humans can learn a thing or two from ants. Take the bible verse Proverbs 6:6-11, for example:

"Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: which having no guide, overseer, or ruler, 
provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest."

We, as humans, are inherently lazy. We're "sluggards." The reason we have so many ingenious inventions is because we seek the path of least exertion. Ants, on the other hand, are innately industrious. Place an obstacle in their way and they will trek over it without hesitation, while humans will plop down, whip out their iPhone, and call the fire department to have it hoisted out of the way. Maybe if we practiced the ants' less time consuming and more sensible method, we'd be a bit further along (and possibly less overweight).

Ants can also teach us to be self-motivated. Individuals function as part of a larger system, but the system runs only because the ants are looking out for themselves. The only reason their actions are not considered entirely selfish is that they are quick to run back and inform the rest of the colony of their findings. Human self-motivation, when not suffocated by laziness, is often smothered by greed. When a human finds a plentiful supply of new resources, say petroleum, for example, they would either hoard it for themselves or attempt to make a profit from it by selling it off. Ants are reasonable enough to realize that a) they would die before using up that much of one resource by themselves and b) auctioning it off isn't going to help much either. Granted, ants do not have an economy or supply and demand, but humans could take after our peewee pals and give a little for the greater good.

Here's where I'd put in some more paragraphs about what lessons they can teach us. I plan on talking about perserverance and teamwork so if you have any ideas that'd be great!

Sitting and watching ants in an ant farm may sound a lot like watching paint dry, but tacky paint doesn't teach us lessons about how to function better as a society. So next time you see a queue of ants filing out of your pantry, ditch the traps, grab a magnifying glass, and prepare your mind to be blown. I know this conclusion isn't so great either but I just kind of stuck it on so I would at least have one to show. I like the sentences I have now but plan on adding more body

Thank you all in advance for your help!! This site never fails to surprise me with how good the advice is.
hgood   
Nov 13, 2013
Undergraduate / "You need braces";Crooked Smile - Personal Quality [4]

I love the story, and the essay has really good flow and varied sentence structure. I'd use a little more description though. You tend to use simple words like "people" and "school" over and over when you can replace them with words like "crowd" or "campus" or "building" or whatever is appropriate in the context. Like in these sentences:

I stepped out of the car and walked proudly through the front gates of the school . I had only known a few people from my old school who were attending the same high school as I was, so I had to get to know new people.

You can change school to campus or grounds or something along those lines, and you use the word people twice in one sentence which is kind of redundant. Rephrase it like "I only knew a few kids who were going to this high school, so I had to try and make new friends." You also use the words "braces" and "teeth" a lot. And yes, I know it's what your essay is about but if they've really changed who you are then I think they deserve some more attention. Use similes and metaphors and compare them to things like train tracks or zippers that would keep you from smiling idk...and for teeth you can say "pearly whites" or describe just how crooked they are (are they twisted? missing? spaced out? crowded?) to give a visual. They are your focus so you need to highlight them.

One last thing is in the first paragraph I get really confused because you talk about how you proudly smile, but you're nervous, and then you're confident again, and then you're uncomfortable. Pick one. Either you feel good walking into school or you don't, or you do until you introduce yourself with a smile and people see your teeth but you can't go in between like 5 emotions in 2 sentences.

Other than word choice and the confusion in the first paragraph I think it's really good! And its a super interesting and unique topic! Good luck!
hgood   
Nov 13, 2013
Undergraduate / I barely have time to breathe; Perfectly Content [3]

I would try to vary your sentence structure a little bit. There's a lot of lists so try breaking it up with shorter sentences. I'd also break it down into smaller paragraphs, like "When I read..." should be a new paragraph. I'm pretty sure I recognize this from the common app so keep in mind that the admissions officers are reading this essay to get a sense of who you are as a person. They already know all your clubs and sports and activities, so I would personally cut out the mentoring elementary kids through Big Bros/Sis part and about your AP classes. I'd also try to give a better visual of the spot under the tree. Think 5 senses. The whole essay is asking where you feel most content, so you should focus on that part. And I know you're not done yet, but you should NEVER end anything with "and that is blah blah blah." It's like a cop out. They want to see creativity!! But your word choice is really good, you do a great job using words other than the generic adjectives.
hgood   
Oct 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Change is my constant; BACKGROUND or STORY /Common App [4]

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I wasn't used to it being so frigid in July. I stood alone outside my house, shivering in my new school uniform, watching my breath create puffs of steam in the chilly air. I heard the rumble of an unfamiliar bus approaching from around the corner. It screeched to a stop in front of me. The doors slid open, and as I stepped inside I felt about 20 pairs of eyes scanning me up and down, picking me apart.

"Who is she?"

"She must be new."

"Look at her hair! Braids are for five year olds."

The bus driver mumbled something to me in Spanish and started driving away before I had found a seat. The motion of the bus flung me into the laps of two very startled teenagers, both of which, instead of helping me up, began laughing. Soon, the whole bus had joined in. I picked myself up and slumped into a solo seat at the back of the bus, fighting back tears.

This was my fifth first day at a new school in my short nine years of existence. I would have two more before my high school graduation. This particular first occurred in Santiago, Chile, where the seasons are opposite of the United States and school starts in late July.

Having a father in the military, I have gotten pretty used to packing up my life at the drop of a hat and moving to a different time zone. Constantly moving has meant that I've never had more than a couple of years to make friends. I've never had the chance to settle down or to get involved in the community. I've never struggled in school, but changing curriculum and learning environments every two years hasn't made it any easier. I've spent what feels like half my life on an airplane, flying from Argentina to Iceland to Austria and everywhere in between.

While moving isn't all sunshine and rainbows, it's not the end of the world either. The way I see it, the more you move, the more you learn. Not only about the different cultures you experience, but skills that you otherwise may have not aquired. For example, you learn to adapt quickly. When the language barrier presents itself, you learn to improvise, and to pay attention. There is nothing scarier than being surrounded by people speaking in a tongue that you can neither understand nor communicate in. Being able to think on your feet and pick up the vocabulary quickly is a big help in transitioning between cultures.

Perhaps the most important lesson I have learned throughout my seven moves is to have an open mind. I know what it feels like to be the foreigner, the one everybody is making fun of because they used a word improperly or got lost on their way to the grocery store. I am more patient with people trying to break the language barrier, because I have been that person. I can now put myself in another person's shoes more easily and realize that just because we don't see eye to eye doesn't mean that their opinions and ideas aren't any less valid.

When I walked into my fifth grade classroom that cold July morning, wiping the tears from my face, I suddenly realized something. Everybody else I know has lived a life of constants: same school, same house, same people. I, until that moment, had envied them. Never having to leave. But that is not my life. My life is suitcases, moving boxes, airplane food, goodbyes, and new beginnings. My life is change. Change is my constant.

Please don't be afraid to be harsh! Any help is greatly appreciated. I'm a little wary of the length, it's just over 600 words, and some places I have read that admissions doesn't like to read essays that ramble on. Thanks in advance!
hgood   
Oct 14, 2013
Undergraduate / I have been playing soccer since I was four; Duke University ; Extracurricular activities [9]

Out of all of the extracurricular activities I've been a part of, soccer has most significantly impacted my personal development. Since I was four, soccer has been my main (took out time) obligation. (New sentence) The sport has consumed endless hours of my time, (combine sentences) all of which have helped me develop from being egocentric to selfless. Consequently, I also started to appreciate the value of teamwork. Once I realized that it was teamwork that set apart the great teams from the average teams, I began to look beyond myself and become more focused on my team's success. Now I didn't perceive teams as just a collection of independent players, but more of a singular unit: winning and losing as one . By stepping on (on not one) the field we morphed together to create one entity (no comma) with a common goal. All of the blood, sweat, and tears shed on and off the field fueled the group to greatness that wouldn't have been previously feasible. That (change this!! don't start sentences, especially conclusions, with "that") development made me change to way I acted on and off the soccer field.

I edited some of it, mostly for grammar but a few minor changes as well. It's a lot better! I still think that it's a little too focused on the teamwork aspect (is that all soccer taught you?), but if you're having trouble getting more broad I would just say it flat out in the beginning (soccer helped me become a better team player etc.) versus going over the whole dedication and time thing. That would help with the word count.
hgood   
Oct 14, 2013
Undergraduate / I have been playing soccer since I was four; Duke University ; Extracurricular activities [9]

I think you need to explain a little more! How was it a major time commitment? You could have been playing since you were four but only have one practice a month. How did it change your personality? Tie the learning about teamwork into how it made you less egotistical. Also, the end of the paragraph kind of makes it seem like the whole thing was about teamwork and not soccer, so be sure to bring it back to the main subject. And revise it for grammar/spelling/word choice (there's a comma missing in the first sentence, "for" in the third sentence should be "from," try using synonyms for words like "activities I'm in" -> "participate in" or "great/average"). Sorry if this seems a little harsh but it's what I would like someone to tell me about my essay, especially to Duke! Good luck!
hgood   
Oct 14, 2013
Undergraduate / School & Atlanta communities; Georgia Tech/ Contribution to community [4]

Why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech and what do you hope to contribute to our community? (150 word limit)

I was born into a family of engineers, none of which have studied at Georgia Tech. I would like to follow in their footsteps by pursuing a career in engineering, but stray from the path when it comes to choice of school. Georgia Tech engineering is unparalleled. I would fit right into the highly competitive academic scene. I would take advantage of the extensive research materials available to me. I would get involved in both the school and Atlanta communities by joining service clubs and seeking out volunteer opportunities, a true passion of mine. Having lived in various places overseas, I would contribute to the already culturally diverse student body, and also learn from it. I look forward to proving to my family that one of the worst decisions of their engineering careers was not attending Georgia Tech.

Should I talk more about specific things I have done, or is it better to be vague? Also, I'm not sure if the "I would..." parts are too repetitive or if they work because they put emphasis on the list. I realize this is really last minute, so any help would be greatly appreciated! I've used 138 of the 150 words.
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