"You need braces";Crooked Smile - Personal Quality

PLEASE BE HARSH I NEED CRITICISM!!! this is my first draft

UC Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

"You need braces." It is a phrase I've heard throughout my life.

I anxiously sat in my mother's car as we pulled up to the front of the place that I would spend the next 4 years at; my high school. I stepped out of the car and walked proudly through the front gates of the school. I had only known a few people from my old school who were attending the same high school as I was, so I had to get to know new people. Walking up to a group of people, I pasted a bright smile on my face. I was incredibly nervous, but I introduced myself. At first, only a few of the students said hi. Still smiling nervously, I waited from a response from the others. Their eyes, although they tried to resist, were drawn mindlessly at my teeth. I felt uncomfortable enough to walk away and as I took a few steps, I overheard a boy remark, "She needs braces."

I have always known that my crooked teeth drew attention from people I didn't know, especially since everyone now-a-days either has braces, has had them before and now have perfectly straight teeth, or has naturally straight teeth. However, even though I was aware my teeth attracted negative attention, I have learned not to care too awfully. Being too embarrassed to do so at a younger age, I am now notorious for always being caught flashing a smile or laughing. I am not concerned with getting braces; I am perfectly content with how my teeth look because they are something that keeps me relevant and unique. No one else is like me.

I have visited and continue to visit countless orthodontists hoping to stir up the courage to take initiative to get braces and fix my teeth for health reasons. However, the appointments never get passed a consultation because I can never get past the wall, one of which is preventing me from gaining enough bravery to take the first step and get braces. My crooked teeth hold a very crucial part in my personality.

From the time I broke my front tooth while playing with my brother, to the time when I found out that I have a set of extra teeth, my teeth tell a story. They represent the struggle I have had with the ability to be accepted into society, just because of something I was born with. They represent the anxiety I have had in the past about my appearance and how other perceive me. They represent the journey I have had with trying to accept the way they look. They represent the confidence I have built up over the years. They represent me.

And with all of this, I still wake up to smile and I love every bit of mine.

I find this is very inspiring. I like the way you present this, especially the line;


It sends a strong message out and very touchy too. I think you've done a good job.


... This should be in past tense, isn't it?


Well done!
Good luck with your application!

I love the story, and the essay has really good flow and varied sentence structure. I'd use a little more description though. You tend to use simple words like "people" and "school" over and over when you can replace them with words like "crowd" or "campus" or "building" or whatever is appropriate in the context. Like in these sentences:


You can change school to campus or grounds or something along those lines, and you use the word people twice in one sentence which is kind of redundant. Rephrase it like "I only knew a few kids who were going to this high school, so I had to try and make new friends." You also use the words "braces" and "teeth" a lot. And yes, I know it's what your essay is about but if they've really changed who you are then I think they deserve some more attention. Use similes and metaphors and compare them to things like train tracks or zippers that would keep you from smiling idk...and for teeth you can say "pearly whites" or describe just how crooked they are (are they twisted? missing? spaced out? crowded?) to give a visual. They are your focus so you need to highlight them.

One last thing is in the first paragraph I get really confused because you talk about how you proudly smile, but you're nervous, and then you're confident again, and then you're uncomfortable. Pick one. Either you feel good walking into school or you don't, or you do until you introduce yourself with a smile and people see your teeth but you can't go in between like 5 emotions in 2 sentences.

Other than word choice and the confusion in the first paragraph I think it's really good! And its a super interesting and unique topic! Good luck!

Thank you guys so much!!