Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by JayuPatel
Name: Jayshri Patel
Joined: Oct 26, 2013
Last Post: Nov 3, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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JayuPatel   
Nov 3, 2013
Undergraduate / COMMON APP - Background/Notre Dame/Something New [3]

I didn't use a title on mine, but if you have enough words left go for it!

I liked the beginning of the essay but you sort of lost me when you began to talk about stealing. I don't think that this is such a great story to be telling for admission it just shows that you learned that you shouldn't steal which is pretty much common sense in a way. But thats just my opinion.

Anyway, whatever you decide to submit I would read your essay out loud and make sure that it "flows". That REALLY helps and also ask yourself what you want the admission counselors to learn about you from the essay.

Please Like this post. :)
JayuPatel   
Oct 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Personal Identity; U of M- Religious Community & my place within it [4]

Here is a revision:

The glimmer of the silk saris and the glow of the matching jewelry worn by the women are subdued by the notable divide between them and the men. The diyas which were lit hours ago seem to complement the decorated idols which they sit in front of. As I walk in I can hear the priest leading chants to which everyone rhythmically follows in tune. While I generally don't like to define myself in terms of my cultural roots or background, I cannot deny that my religious community has largely contributed to who I am.

With each occasion, whether it is an elaborate festival, family social, or just a simple service, attended with more enthusiasm than the last, arriving at any event is a relief knowing that we are all bound by the common goal of helping to guide our community on to greater things. It has become a support network and I feel comforted knowing that every person in that building genuinely cares about my well-being, and that if I ever needed them they would be there. Through my religious community I have learned to be more mature and more accepting about my community. That great things are accomplished when we work together to make something happen. A more caring group of people doesn't exist and we are quick to defend our own members yet happy to share the fortune that we possess in our lives with the people around us.

Within a unified community it can be hard to develop a personal identity. In the back of my mind, every decision and action that I take to improve myself has been with the intent and desire of going back to my second family and earning their respect for me as my own woman, rather than just as a child of my parents.

I feel like i'm not carrying my imagery throughout and just kinda cramming it in the beginning. I don't know how else to make it flow throughout tho. :/
JayuPatel   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / What a Wonderful World: UVA/ surprised, unsettled, or challenged [12]

Well Depression is a risky topic but I think it's okay to mention as long as you show how you overcame it, which you did. I think you have just the "right amount". You mention something that has a huge part in your life but you also show that you don't let it define you.
JayuPatel   
Oct 26, 2013
Undergraduate / What a Wonderful World: UVA/ surprised, unsettled, or challenged [12]

I like your essay but honestly, I'm not a big fan of the topic. Especially because I have never heard that particular song.

binding myself with chains that rob (me of) my freedom.

But as I listen to this song (the song continues), I begin to see a vivid image of the wonderful world Louis sings about. I see the vibrant roses, the clear blue sky, and the friendly people with warm smiles. I even see hope for the future that's reflected by the (I think this should be a) babies' growth. As these images rush through my head, I leap out from the dark canopy, rip off my blindfold, and tear off my chains. I'm finally able to see the world as a wonderful place.

***I meant from under the dark canopy
&
***tear of the
&
dont start a new sentence.

....rip off my blindfold, and tear off my chains i'm finally able to see the world as a wonderful place.

JayuPatel   
Oct 26, 2013
Undergraduate / : My life is my chair"; Common APP Q4 - The Internet Is Where Im Content [3]

My life is my chair. Countless hours spent everyday for the past ten years in a chair. A throne. A pilot seat. A shelter where I am disembodied from the distractions around me and I can control the direction I head in. This chair serves as the port between the person my loved ones know and the person I strive to be. I can be an adventurer traveling around the world, a scholar teaching himself the wonders of the universe, a musician awaiting his audience's applause, an artist expressing his deepest emotions, and much more. The internet, though having caused me ridicule and disdain from my peers, has been important in my development as a person and my growth in knowledge. A defining part of my personality, there is no other place which has made me feel complete.

As a person who is interested in a variety of subjects, the internet has given me the opportunity to learn much more than the average school curriculum allows. Quantum physics, the history of technology, programming, the inner workings of technological devices and astronomy are just the tip of an immense amount of information at my fingertips. Through my strife to acquire more knowledge about my various interests, I have encountered a plethora of people, all varying in their background, who are more similar to me than anyone I have shaken hands with. Hidden away behind their monitors, even those too shy can seem to be the most extroverted person, (this just dosent sound right to me?) able to engage in discussions without the fear of being judged. The encouragement I have received to pursue my interests has led me to make decisions that will not only be in my best interest, but will be enjoyable and help me in the future.

Over the years, my attachment to the internet has allowed me to have acquire friends from around the world with similar interests as mine. As a somewhat introverted person, I eagerly await the moment each day when I can log onto the computer and converse. Though these people may be strangers, they allow me to express myself as if I had (have) known them for years. My discussions with them have also allowed me to have an in depth understanding of everyday life in many different countries. The different circumstances surrounding each individual's life has caused me to reevaluate the life I have been given in comparison to them. Knowing people who live in poorer countries, my gratefulness for my standard of living has increased. Likewise, knowing people who have obtained a higher education has led me to focus my mind on my education. The influence they have on me is not only one-sided towards me; I give feedback and insight to those who would do the same for me. (They not only positively influence me but I also give my feed back and insight to those who would undoubtly do the same for me.)

There is no physical environment in which I feel perfectly content. An environment is defined as the surroundings or conditions in which a person operates. I have spent most of my life browsing the web, teaching myself, and meeting new people. I operate on the Internet. A person feels content when they find a place where they belong and are accepted by the other people around them. Being a person who is quiet and reserved in each class , I was able to find acceptance in this virtual environment, which eventually allowed (lead me)me to be perfectly content. The contribution of the Internet on my life is more significant than anyone who glances at me would realize. My experiences have made me more inquisitive, by always trying to learn more about a topic I find interesting, and more open-minded and accepting of other people, though they may be different than me. As I have grown from a child to the young adult I am today, there has been one constant all along, the Internet, in all its glory, has and will always be there for me.[/quote]
JayuPatel   
Oct 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Personal Identity; U of M- Religious Community & my place within it [4]

Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words) Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

Although I have never liked to define myself by my heritage or my background, my religious affiliation has always been a large part of who I am. My religion has provided me with a second family and a support network. Although we are united by a shared ideology the bond between us is much stronger. When we walk in to potlucks, socials, or services, there is something comforting about knowing that every person in that building genuinely cares about each other's well-being, and that if I ever needed them they would be there.

With each occasion attended with more enthusiasm than the last, arriving at any event is a relief knowing that we are all bound by the common goal of helping to guide our community through adversity and on to greater things. Through my religious community I have learned to be more mature and more accepting about my community. That great things are accomplished when people work together to make something happen. There hardly exists a more caring group of people and we are quick to defend our own members and share the fortune that we possess in our lives with the people around us.

The only problem within a unified community is that it can be hard to develop a personal identity within it. In the back of my mind, every decision and action that I take to improve myself has been with the intent and desire of going back to my second family and earning their respect for me as my own woman, rather than just as a child of my parents.
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