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Posts by jfang
Name: Jennifer Fang
Joined: Oct 26, 2013
Last Post: Oct 28, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 10  
From: United States of America
School: BRHS

Displayed posts: 11
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jfang   
Oct 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Entropy to Lucidity; Thunderstorm - Where are you content? [6]

Love :)
I've always envied people who enjoy thunderstorms, haha. It's kind of a very romantic/poetic thing to do.
I think you need to make it a little more unique by mentioning a specific experience though, because a lot of people I know think about thunderstorms this way.

If I'm frustrated the storm yells for me. If I'm calm the storm puts me to sleep.

Like this a lot.
jfang   
Oct 28, 2013
Undergraduate / To see all of the little lights; Common App/ Where are you most content? [7]

Love the writing style and descriptions...as everyone else said.
If you more strongly associate the railroad track experience with the joy of being with your brother, it would make your essay more powerful. Do you still go to the tracks yourself, just to relive the memories of being with him?

So, for once in our lives, we act like reckless teens

Don't say this. You've done it more than once, right? Then it should be "for the first time in our lives"
jfang   
Oct 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Music - WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? - Tufts Supplement [4]

I love Taylor Swift too :D

Only thing is, your essay would probably be more powerful if you quoted lines from the songs that impacted you most and relate them to your situations.

And try to not use so many commas!
jfang   
Oct 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "Time's up, the proctor called" ; Princeton/ Person with significant influence [4]

swagmaster:
Thanks for the encouragement :)
My English teacher liked the connection, so idk, I guess I can only hope that the admission officer does too :P

Lol yeah, I do :P
Only 16% of 2300-2400 get in, but Princeton seems to like my high school a lot, so hopefully!

christian:
Thanks for your input!
Yeah, I emphasized the empathy more originally but the essay was too long so I kind of cut it

I don't know the background of most of the people on this site, but I trust you since your essay was really really good :)
jfang   
Oct 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Yes...... I won another medal; UNC Common App Essay - failure [7]

This is interesting. Most admission officers get too many essays about "I suck at track," so...this is refreshing.

HOWEVER. You gave up on track just because you lost one race? Although it's good you found other activities you excelled at, I would've liked it better if you kept running track despite the failure.

Honestly, I get last or second-to-last every single time and I still run all three seasons.
jfang   
Oct 26, 2013
Undergraduate / What a Wonderful World: UVA/ surprised, unsettled, or challenged [12]

It's very well-written. I agree with what the people above said about mentioning depression. It's a sensitive thing and admission officers usually don't like hearing about it.

About the topic: was there a list to choose from, or did you make up your own?
If this was from a list, I think it's fine.

The ending line is a little too dramatic. Obviously, you can't get over your depression in one day, just because of listening to one song.

You should write something like "I begin to see the world as a better place." Something that shows the admission officers that you're in the process of changing, but aren't perfect yet.
jfang   
Oct 26, 2013
Undergraduate / "Time's up, the proctor called" ; Princeton/ Person with significant influence [4]

This isn't done yet, but please tell me what you think! I need to edit the second half a little bit more.

Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way (about 500 words).

There I was, on my 17th birthday, hunched over the AP Calculus BC exam. Polar.Taylor.Parametric. All the topics I'd learned morphed into one great glob of confusion, incarnated into the haphazard calculations I'd written down. Staring at the questions, I felt my throat closing from panic. I can't do this. Tears, swollen with misery, trekked in rivulets down my face. Pitter-patter. They stained the page with damp blotches. Why today? Why me?

Time's up, the proctor called. I'd long since thrown down my pencil in defeat. Wiping the wetness from my cheeks and hiding my dejection with a smile, I listened to my friends chat about the test. I kept my head tilted back to keep tears from spilling over the cusp of my eyelids.

Alyssa was the only one who asked. "What's wrong?" The tears that had been held back by the dam of self-image suddenly flowed torrentially. With her, I felt safe to not just leak out a few tears, but to close my eyes, nostrils flaring, breath quivering, and sob into her tight embrace. "You're not allowed to cry on your birthday." Handing me a tissue to wipe away the self-pity, she said sternly, "You're going to get a 5."

Alyssa must've been magic, because that's exactly what happened. But her magic affected me in a much more profound way that extended beyond the scope of that test.

There I was, months later, texting my friend Jake. Our conversation started normally, but for some reason I couldn't name, he seemed off. I decided to go with my gut and ask if he was okay. Even when he claimed he was, I persisted. Call it intuition; call it sixth sense; whatever. I like to think that was caring. Finally, I managed to coax out of him, "My sister's in the hospital." I felt the coldness akin to an autumn chill seep into my veins, and I knew that this must be what Jake was feeling, but much, much worse. I'd never felt my heart genuinely go out to someone in their pain before. But that day, I was different.

Though he said he didn't want to talk about it, I convinced him to. I knew that in order for him to experience healing, he needed the comfort and hope I could bring. I knew him well enough to know that "I'll be staying up late tonight," actually meant "I can't sleep and need to talk to someone." I told him everything would be okay, that I'd pray for him. I said all the right words, but instead of the awkwardness normally accompanying pity, my compassion was infused with real feeling.

Because that's what an empathetic person does. That's what Alyssa would do. I finally realized what I hadn't been able to on my 17th birthday. Why was she able to see my pain, when everyone else couldn't? Because though she is smart, logical mathematician, she overflows with empathy. She saw, because she cared enough to look in the first place.

Jake thanked me profusely for caring, for seeing through his bravado when he wanted to hide behind it, and for being, in his words, "a good friend and a tremendous girl." But really, he should've thanked Alyssa.
jfang   
Oct 26, 2013
Undergraduate / That flight brought me here; PLACE/ ENVIRONMENT - Perfectly content [6]

Love it! It's has great description and a great ending line. :)
Very, very well-written.

You probably need to add some stuff to get closer to the word limit, but if the word limit were the length that your essay is now, it would be perfect.

Best of luck!
jfang   
Oct 26, 2013
Undergraduate / I want to be a Hokie for the outstanding academic opportunities that Virginia Tech offers [2]

The final reason I hope to someday be a Hokie is the amazing food

Get rid of all these sentences.
Your essay is really great and I love all the examples you provide, but it would be much better if you cut out these thesis-like sentences and get right to the point. You can include the ideas (camaraderie, diversity, etc) within you actual examples.

Best of luck!
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