Posts by Kalikratia

Kalikratia

Nov 26, 2013

Undergraduate / "Mental Transformation" - UC; World I come from [5]

I feel like the first body paragraph is definitely lacking something. I think you could connect the way your parents grew up to your 9th and 10th grade self. I mean, watching them made you not care too much for college right? (even though they pleaded you to be better, you still might have been affected by them somehow) But then something clicked. Make that connection. The first paragraph is just lacking and doesn't define you, other than you were lazy and i'm sure there is so much more to tell than that. Definitely think about your parents, and how they might have affected you, and instead of outright stating that, incorporate it into a story. I hope i helped.

BTW, LOOOOVE THIS:

I plan on continuing this robust academic life style and know that one day success will overshadow the isolated moments of self doubt.

Kalikratia

Nov 26, 2013

Undergraduate / Taiwan had been a dream come true; accomplishment or event, formal or informal [5]

i loved it so much i cannot find anything that needs to be corrected. It was very well-written and i dont think you should take anything out. I read through it a couple times and every single sentence in there adds an extra touch and emotion, and it's as if you mentally grew from the beginning to the end of the essay, just like the prompt asks. If you really feel like it's too long, you could shorten the descriptions in the first paragraph and shorten the New York experience. You could just mention that all in two sentences at most. Very well done!

Kalikratia

Nov 26, 2013

Undergraduate / Weddings, Baseball and Economics - U of Minnesota Essay [2]

Your tenses are off in the first and second paragraphs. Keep either to a present tense or a past tense on which you're reflecting.

Economics is a fascinating subject *of* which I continuously crave for more knowledge. As my range of interests expands from economic history to behavioral economics, I found myself

indulging in books written not only by the academia but also witty journalists like Robert Frank and Michael Lewis.

That is one example. You start off with present tense and then jump into past tense "...i found myself..."

Read the essay outloud to yourself and the tenses will be easier to note. Otherwise, great job. :)

Kalikratia

Nov 25, 2013

Undergraduate / 'the National Blue Ribbon' - UC/personal essay [9]

Thanks everyone! Your comments are helpful.

Kalikratia

Nov 25, 2013

Undergraduate / Personal Statement about Experience. What makes you proud and relates to who you are? [2]

The story behind this essay is great, but what youre missing is a story. You gave an outline of your life, but this would be so much stronger if it was a story. You could write about an experience or a talk you had with your uncle that changed your mindset and made you focus on school and your future. You give a very vague outline, but there must have been that one day or talk you had with him that made you want to do better and try harder. If you focus in on that one story, it will be a much better piece. Great job though!

Kalikratia

Nov 25, 2013

Undergraduate / I've lived in Chatsworth, CA for most of my life; UC ( world you come from) [5]

I really liked the conclusion but i feel like the introduction needs some work. I think you can make it so much more engaging,because the rest of the story had my attention, i could even picture a little fifth grader writing millions of poems in a field or something haha. You could use the symbol of the book, as you did in the last sentence, throughout the essay and even include it in the beginning. Maybe start out with pointing out how your world wasnt exciting to you and then include the book, and how it took you to another, more exciting place. Then connect that to your passion of traveling. Just a suggestion. Great job otherwise! (:

Kalikratia

Nov 25, 2013

Undergraduate / TRAVEL TO THINK AS AN INTELLECT AND ADVENTURE AS AN EXPLORER - World you come from [4]

It's great, you connect your passion for history well with what the prompt is asking. I think you should reduce the usage of the word "history" in the last paragraph especially. It takes away the passion behind it if you repeat it so many times. Also, i really liked the rug story and i feel like you had something going there but you quickly jumped to another story. Maybe just focus on that one story with the rug and make it a symbol throughout the essay. You already began doing that by saying how you want to "unravel them all." Maybe carry that on and connect it with the conclusion by saying how you want to study history because there are so many things to be unraveled and learned. Just a suggestion. :) Great job!

Kalikratia

Nov 24, 2013

Undergraduate / 'the National Blue Ribbon' - UC/personal essay [9]

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

- This essay needs a loooooot of work, any criticism is highly appreciated :) -

The finish line is so close. It's right there. You have to be first. You have to be the best. You're in this race against yourself. The only thing standing in between you and everything you want is you.

Those are the thoughts that rush through my head, both with my awareness and subconsciously, through everything I do. I make everything a competition but the only other person competing against me is myself. I have to prove to myself I can do anything. It brings me the best satisfaction. The competitions I put myself in got harder and harder as I grew older.

I had to start from the bottom in fourth grade, the year I first moved to America with my mom. I was held back, the teachers allowing me an extra year to learn English and Armenian, the languages the other children spoke proficiently. I was already losing, with no literacy skills and not a friend to turn to. The blank walls in that classroom gave me no opportunity to learn. The words spoken by others just made sounds, they held no meaning to me. And the laughs I could not join in on with the other kids were the worst. The biggest opportunity to get a head start came when I was assigned an ELA tutor. I didn't mind spending every day with her if it meant I would be able to make a friend, share a laugh with someone. The long sessions paid off because I did it, I could speak English by the end of fifth grade with minor errors. I did better on English tests than my other classmates. I didn't care about being the best in the class; I liked the satisfaction it brought to me knowing that I could. It gave me hope and the determination I needed to succeed in that tiny private middle school. If I could achieve learning two foreign languages in a span of five years at that school, I could do anything.

In seventh grade I pushed myself the way I never had to. I knew I had to do everything to get into ----, the school praised by all the teachers and the school awarded the National Blue Ribbon four times. I chose my books over my friends on many occasions and did the best I could. When the letter came with my acceptance to the school, I yet again proved to myself I could. It was all worth it. A single paper brought so much meaning to everything I accomplished in those five years. At the end of it all, I chose to put myself in those competitions against me. The only person that ever doubted me was I, and that pushed me to do it all a thousand times better.

I enjoy winning. I enjoy proving myself wrong, and being the best I can be. I know I can achieve a lot because I push myself harder than anyone ever will. The road ahead holds a million opportunities for me, and I know I can achieve something great.

Kalikratia

Nov 24, 2013

Undergraduate / 'high school soccer season' - UC [3]

I like your essay and the story is great for this prompt. I would just add a little to the ending, it's a little too abrupt. You go from getting off the team and then working hard to get on your high schools' team. At the end, your old coach asks you to play on his team. The story goes from a high point going to a low point, and again to a high point. You should make your writing fit the story. Other than that, great job and good luck!