Undergraduate / "Facilitating" - UC Application Essay #2 - Essay about a personal quality [2]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Working with other people is undoubtedly difficult. The mixture of different ideas trying to collaborate is inherently a long and strenuous process. The group has to be able to focus their ideas into a single, concise substance. I've learned that there are many types of roles that need to be played depending on the situation a group faces. Through my experiences with working with people and in groups, the trait that I treasure the most is my ability to be an effective facilitator.

"I don't like it that way." "That color is ugly." "Why won't you listen to me?"
A group of kids shouted at one another; their sharp hand motions directed towards a shoddily constructed poster board clearly showed that they were disputing about an art project. I was in charge of overseeing this group to make sure that they were on task. Fearful that the constant arguing would affect the group, I decided to step in. I was determined to find the root of the problem and help fix it. It was apparent that the problem in this group was communication. Some kids didn't have a full understanding of what to do so they naturally disagreed with each other. This event taught me that a facilitator must be able to get everyone on the same page: it is vital that everyone in the group has a proper understanding of the objectives and requirements.

An effective facilitator has the ability to moderate groups efficiently while still promoting ideas. When I was young, I dominated group activities. I made sure that my ideas were heard and accepted. I soon found out that when I forced my ideas on other people, chiefly without the consideration of theirs, it negatively impacted our group. I learned that it is important to respect the suggestions of others because their ideas are just as important as mine. This helped me grow to become an effective facilitator because making sure the group is able to communicate well is as essential as allowing everyone to share their ideas.

I recall an experience where I had the chance to express my ability to facilitate in my high school government class. The class was split between Democrats and Republicans with each side pushing to pass their own bills while rejecting the other sides. Using the knowledge that gained about facilitating, I was able to get an agreement that benefitted both sides.

As an effective facilitator I am able to get groups onto a common ground. A ground where people have enough understanding to...

What I would like help on:
Grammar/spelling mistakes
The conclusion. It's not really finished because I don't know how to make an impacting conclusion.
To make sure it's not too repetitive and answers the prompt
I hope I have enough show, don't tell.

Undergraduate / "Medical Supplies" - UC Application Essay #1 - Essay about the world I come from & dreams [4]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The office chair I sat on slowly revolved as I repositioned my foot that had fallen asleep. As I was spinning, I tossed the paperclip that I had previously been playing with onto the long desk in front of me. In the corner of the room, I could see the top of my mom's head over a tall stack of papers and files. Although I couldn't see her, I knew she was typing because the keyboard's constant clatter was the only thing breaking the silence. Other than the two of us, there was no one else was here at the office. The only things that helped fill the room were the wheelchairs, walkers, and other medical equipment that were ready to be shipped out. The colorful mobility scooters that were parked in front of the office were contrasted by the iron barred room that held the oxygen tanks.

That was all my world was.

Every day I sat on that office chair, and every day I tried to pass the time however I could. I counted the number of ceiling tiles that covered the office. I toyed with some plastic tubes that surely connect to an expensive machine stored in the backroom. I even measured the heights of the different types of wheelchairs. The most interesting part of the day was the rare entrance of a customer willing to purchase one of the peculiar instruments that I seemed to spend all my time with.

"How does this work?" I asked my mom while pointing at a small, grey rectangular box. She told me it was a CPAP machine and that it was used to help people with sleep apnea. I asked what that meant, but I couldn't bare the meager explanations that my mom gave me, so I discovered the answers on my own.

I researched about sleep apnea, about what it does to the body, and about how the CPAP machines help those who suffer from the disorder. I was enthralled by its inner workings. I was amazed because I couldn't believe that a small machine that pumps air could help so many people.

My curiosity spread like fire. I begged my mom to drive us to the library so I could check out some books about human anatomy. I spent hours of my time researching obscure topics such as tissue regeneration and blood flow. I soon became acquainted with many different topics, extending my knowledge far beyond the realm of medical supplies and equipment.

This interest in medicine has followed me throughout high school. I was so keen to express this desire that I made medicine my topic for my senior year project. With my mentor (who I met through my mom's company) I learned about the effects of different illnesses and the way medical supplies are used to assist these patients.

Had my mom never brought me to her office, I wonder if my dreams and aspirations would be different. My constant thirst for knowledge and fascination of the human body has led me to become the person I am today. It was a result of a strange combination of curiosity and an atypical environment for a child. I'm thankful for all that my world was and am hopeful that what I've learned can be used in my experiences to come.

~554 words

What I would like help on:
Grammar/spelling mistakes
Continuity of the story
The impact of the story-I want there to be a clear connection between the medical supplies and my dreams to go into the medical field. CAN YOU SEE THE CONNECTION CLEARLY?

Thank you in advance!