Posts by Kanyinqt

Kanyinqt

Jan 14, 2014

Undergraduate / Leadership Demonstration - Western IVEY AEO Essay#1 [2]

Please proofread this essay. It sounds like you're rushing.
Also, I only see one club and the prompt asks for 3. I helped you out with the beginning.

It has been four years since I joined Young Women Of The Move in the ninth grade. It was the year that YWM being founded by few senior students. In these four years, I started from a general member to one of the executives, and now the chair of the club.

Young Women On The Move, as the name, it's a school club with a vision of empowering and encouraging girls to be agents of change utilizing confidence, and to raise awareness of issues relevant to young women.

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My suggestions:

I discovered my passion for peer leadership as an active member of Young Women of the Move. I remember joining this high school club when a few high school seniors pushed for a club that empowered girls and raised awareness for the issues relevant to young women. My level of committment was tested when the club almost disbanded because many founding members had graduated and our advisor and supervisor left the club for union's action (explain this). Cancelling the club and all related activities seemed like the destiny of YWM. ~~After having experienced and inspired from the year before~~ Yet, I refused to let this happen. After working hard in all the activities and going through similar troubles last year, I I made a resolution--to keep the club together no matter what.

I became a source of encouragement to other members since some students lost hope in all our promising activities. Knowing that our club could not be active without a supervisor, we hoped to find a quick replacement to keep the club alive. In our desperation,we contacted all the part-time teachers who may not be part of the union. Unfortunately, the miracle did not happen. To overcome this, I talked to the vice-principal and explained to him the importance and vision of our club.

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You have good ideas though! Reread, revise, reread!

Kanyinqt

Dec 30, 2013

Undergraduate / 'established so long ago(1839)' The mouth watering prospect - why BU is a good fit for you [4]

Too much fluff....you're telling them why BU fits you not their history and what makes them a good school.
List the attributes of BU and match them to ur personaliy or vice versa. Do not mention that it was established in 1839. You sound like a suck up to them when you do that. Stop over describing. Get straight to the point. Take out mouth watering. How do all these activities tie in with your goals tho?

Kanyinqt

Dec 29, 2013

Undergraduate / Amherst Supplement-Overcoming Difficulty; Living in Egypt [3]

Hey could you post the quote u chose? I think it would help me understand the essay more.

These are my personal opinions and how I think you could cut down ur essay! :

I would not reiterate being sick, alone and scared too many times. Describe it. Perhaps you should combine sick and alone like -

I was sick and alone. Watching the protesters flood the streets and witnessing the infuriated pro-Morsi dissidents from my balcony gave me an fear that was more frightening than the onset of cancer (okay maybe cancer's a stretch) . To top it off, my family moved back to Korea while I stayed in Egypt, left with a host family to help me finish high school. However, the clock was still ticking; although the turbulence in Egypt could possibly put my education and safety in danger, all my responsibilities -from shopping for groceries to writing college essays- did not just disappear; I had to move on; I had to be more focused, more determined.

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I also would like to say that I think it is really cool that you live in Egypt though ur from Korea!

Kanyinqt

Dec 29, 2013

Undergraduate / Research Group; UPENN / Activities I'd Participate [2]

The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, or Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals. (400-650 words)

Since discovering my passion for both the environment and helping others, I have wanted to make them the center of my life. Because of this, I want an education that will provide me with the tools necessary to become the compassionate, driven individual that I want to be. This is what makes University of Pennsylvania the right school for me. The Energy Research Group, student activities such as AsOne, and the Penn Abroad's CIEE Monteverde Program are programs that will help me become a person who can research intensively, find better ways to restore the environment and discover new information needed to make the world a better place.

When it comes to improving the environment, old methods do not necessarily need to be thrown out. Sometimes, slight modifications are the answer. This view falls in line with the Energy Research Group's way of assimilating new information. The Energy Research Group enables efficient use of resources. This club is an opportunity for students like me to have a chance to be active in the environment. It calls members to be conservative and creative in order for us to find new technology to impact how we will use energy now and later. Likewise, this club resembles P.A.W.S. or Protect Animals with Service, a club I participated in high school where I learned that animals are an essential part of our environment. When the environment suffers, both humans and animals bear the effects. I see the Energy Research Group as a way to cooperate with individuals to solve problems. It is a way to gain more understanding about energy so it can be used more successfully. By attending this club, I can have more understanding about energy and how it impacts the curriculum I will study. Though my interest in this club comes from a background of helping animals, I know helping the environment helps us and the animals that co-habit the world.

Penn offers AsOne, a club that sets up sustainable projects for countries in Africa and the Middle East. By funding local schools and providing villages with access to water members of the club sow seeds that have a global impact. I share the group's views of helping others in order for mankind to thrive. It shows that Penn cares about tackling current problems efficiently. I felt an immediate attraction to AsOne from past experiences at a student leadership conference. At the conference, we carried heavy pails of dirty water for over half a mile in order to simulate those in Africa who walk miles to get water. This experience gave me a drive to help those countries in ways that is effective and practical. AsOne fits into my hopes of being able to travel and to help countries in need. Its humanitarianism makes it one of the resilient clubs at Penn which I want to join.

Although most of Penn's study abroad have a deep impact on its students I am drawn to Penn Abroad's CIEE Monteverde Program because of my past with working with animals and the environment. The program that teaches students about tropical diversity also models conservation for the developing world. Because the program requires a solid background of ecology courses and Spanish, I know that Penn emphasizes good curriculum before allowing its students to have hand-on experiences in the field. Despite its natural welcoming beauty, Costa Rica has economic problems like many other countries. I know that I aspire for success in foreign environments. I want to know how to dissect problems in other countries and know how to analyze them. This program offered at Penn allows students to so. After reading several student reviews, I see that this trip causes students to view the world differently by changing their views on humanity. This program a way to gain insight on the way people view the environment and ecological problems.

Within all of Penn's student organizations, a student can find a place where they fit in and what activities match with their aspirations. Apart from their curriculum, Penn knows that what a student does outside of the classroom matters in making them a well-rounded individual. When paired with the right activities, one's education can be used as tool to impact the community and the world.

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This essay is already too long! But first of all, how could I make it stronger? How could I maybe expand on my goals?

Kanyinqt

Dec 29, 2013

Undergraduate / Botson and Careerlink - BU MY DREAM SCHOOL [4]

I agree with enique94. You should specify those other interests that BU offers and perhaps something specific that students can only find in BU, whether it be a program or a professor or etc. that fits with your goals. I hope you do well.