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Leadership Demonstration - Western IVEY AEO Essay#1


alienfly 1 / -  
Jan 13, 2014   #1
** This is the first draft of my essay. I feel as though my essay did not flow, so as my writing style :/ Any suggestions?
Also, I'm 42 over. Can you help me to shorten it, please? Thank you!!


(limits to 500 words) Select 3 activities that you feel highlight your leadership experience best.
Please focus your description on elements that demonstrate: teamwork, initiative, achievement, commitment, and breadth.


It has been four years since I joined Young Women Of The Move in the ninth grade. It was the year that YWM being founded by few senior students. In these four years, I started from a general member to one of the executives, and now the chair of the club.

Young Women On The Move, as the name, it's a school club with a vision of empowering and encouraging girls to be agents of change utilizing confidence, and to raise awareness of issues relevant to young women.

Two years ago, YWM has faced a crisis when the club nearly had fallen apart. All the senior students, who had founded and been executives for this club, had graduated. In the same year, our teacher advisor and supervisor were forced to leave to us due to their union's action. Most of the members had lost their confidence to our club and the new executive team was clueless when facing this crisis. Same as other school clubs, cancelling the club and all related activities seems like the one and only destiny of YWM. After having experienced and inspired from the year before, I made a resolution--to keep our club regardless of the effort has to be involved.

A club cannot run without a supervisor. We contacted all the part-time teachers who may not be part of the union. Unfortunately, the miracle did not happen. To overcome this, I talked to the vice-principal and explained to him the importance and vision of our club. Finally, he's convinced and approved my idea. From that moment on, YWM is officially a student-hosted club! Which means we can hold all the meetings and fundraisers without an advisor or supervisor, although all activities have to be approved by the principal's signature before action.

Funding is another essential component, because planning events such as assemblies and workshops is very expensive. Due to the Act, Student Council was henceforth forbidden to support any clubs financially. To keep our club running successfully, the executive team has came to a decision of focusing on recruiting sponsorships. We created a list of potential sponsors from online researching and the information provided by past advisors. Another member and I made on-site pitches to various organizations and charities by explaining YWM's goals and concepts. This move gained us the sponsorships and few volunteers for our workshops. It doesn't only benefit financially, but also promoted our club to raise awareness in the community.

Aside from gaining sponsorships, the goal of YWM is to empower young women. Every month, we have activities such as breast cancer fundraisers, self-defense workshops, and etc. As the chair, my job is to keep the team on track and to work closely with other members. I also train potential leaders by letting them to participate in organizing, planning, and to represent our school in significant events along with the executives.

With our commitment, teamwork, and passion, YWM started from a committee with less than 10 people, to now, one of the most successful clubs in school with over a hundred members. All our profit goes into an international organization monthly to support an African girl. We believe YWM and its concepts will be growing continuously, and more girls will be supported and empowered.
Kanyinqt 1 / 4 1  
Jan 14, 2014   #2
Please proofread this essay. It sounds like you're rushing.
Also, I only see one club and the prompt asks for 3. I helped you out with the beginning.

It has been four years since I joined Young Women Of The Move in the ninth grade. It was the year that YWM being founded by few senior students. In these four years, I started from a general member to one of the executives, and now the chair of the club.

Young Women On The Move, as the name, it's a school club with a vision of empowering and encouraging girls to be agents of change utilizing confidence, and to raise awareness of issues relevant to young women.

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My suggestions:

I discovered my passion for peer leadership as an active member of Young Women of the Move. I remember joining this high school club when a few high school seniors pushed for a club that empowered girls and raised awareness for the issues relevant to young women. My level of committment was tested when the club almost disbanded because many founding members had graduated and our advisor and supervisor left the club for union's action (explain this). Cancelling the club and all related activities seemed like the destiny of YWM. After having experienced and inspired from the year before Yet, I refused to let this happen. After working hard in all the activities and going through similar troubles last year, I I made a resolution--to keep the club together no matter what.

I became a source of encouragement to other members since some students lost hope in all our promising activities. Knowing that our club could not be active without a supervisor, we hoped to find a quick replacement to keep the club alive. In our desperation,we contacted all the part-time teachers who may not be part of the union. Unfortunately, the miracle did not happen. To overcome this, I talked to the vice-principal and explained to him the importance and vision of our club.

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You have good ideas though! Reread, revise, reread!


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