Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by dchege711
Name: David Gitau
Joined: Jul 16, 2014
Last Post: Nov 26, 2014
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  
From: Kenya
School: Not in school

Displayed posts: 8
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dchege711   
Nov 26, 2014
Undergraduate / A place where one is free from attack, where one experiences secure relationships and affirmation [2]

A place where one is free from attack, a place where one experiences secure relationships and affirmation. It's a place where people share and understand each other. Its relationships are nurturing (Unclear. What is 'its'? Also, the 'nurturing' creates a sentence fragment. Maybe 'nurtured'?). The people in it do not need to be perfect; instead, they need to be honest, loving, supportive, recognizing a common humanity that makes all of us vulnerable. A home consists of childhood memories.(Up to this point, I can't picture a you. Reduce on the generalities and philosophies :)) Waking up to the sweet wonderful smell of pancakes being made in the kitchen, or being woken up by the chirping noises of birds. ( A picture of your home is now forming) My home is where i ( I ) feel perfectly content.

I grew up in a home in Brooklyn with a huge family ( How many people? Huge doesn't say much). Being ( Eliminate 'being' ) at home I was taught to strive hard whether it was playing my favorite sport, soccer right in my backyard. Coming home to the sounds of the major and minor keys being played on a piano by my father ( Complete the sentence ). At that point I grew love for playing music. I enjoyed helping my grandmother in the kitchen. Helping ( same case as preceding correction) out with dinner, setting up the tables to have a nice family meal. All the joy, happiness, and jokes being shared at the table ( Being introduces incomplete sentences. Just like in SAT Writing :-P). Those are the moments I enjoy cherishing( enjoy cherishing? Cherishing sth means you enjoy it). Homes are the memories being made within that house( another fragment. What do you want to say?). From the tears, birthday, parties, arguments and more. I have made all my achievements in that home and many more are to be made.

Check the grammar highlights since they recur in your writing. It would help to define what you want to share about the place. Is it the music that was meaningful? Discuss it! The soccer? Then talk about it! Right now you've just stated in passing. I need to meet you and like you through your essay, otherwise, I may not be willing to sacrifice $50,000 in aid money...
dchege711   
Nov 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Reckless drivers in United States threaten the lives of thousands of people every year [2]

On grammar, check your subject-verb agreement. "...causes for reckless driving is (are) similar to ones (those)...punishments such as fines and few months in jail is (are) not..."

Add more detail. Maybe specific instances of reckless driving, eyewitness accounts, current punishments, your proposed punishments, other preventive measures. That way, in my opinion, your piece will have more impact on the reader.

Maybe have two paragraphs instead of a long one.
dchege711   
Nov 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / My Town: Six independent pairs of eyes fling suspicious glances at me, they shake heads in confusion [3]

The man next to me violently puffs out clouds of smoke from his mouth like an overburdened locomotive. He silently chases me to the other side of this wobbly bench.

One man, a woman and a second man atop a motorcycle, none has a helmet.
A young man carries a bucket full of water on his left shoulder. Splash - Splash! The water protests
A boy tugs his car - an empty biscuit carton with sticks and bottle tops at its base - across the rough uneven road. Both the car and the driver bounce in exhilaration.

Three youth hammering nails into a new market stall
A couple walks by hand in hand. If only the lady could donate half of her smile to the gentleman.
Three bars. I can't see a hotel. I'm hungry.
A man staggers. I confirm the hour. It is barely eleven in the morning.
The newly painted purple building is incongruous with its neighbouring companions.
Incessant cries of keyboards being assaulted by ruthless swift fingers ring the lonely Tech-Savvy Cyber Café.
A motorbike zooms past. This one carries a silver barrel of KEG.
A dog sniffing all over the place
Our couple retraces their path. The gentleman holds an overfed plastic bag. The lady is all giggles.
The woman at Wanyokabi Tailor Shop gives the glossy dark tan cloth material one last look. She scissors it with finesse. Someone will get a suit next week.

A curious boy walks by and peeps into this piece of paper.
A carpenter animatedly hacks at a protruding piece. After a sigh and a stream of sweat, she resumes the fight.
Mother and Son peel potatoes at their front yard.
Some coffee berries lay on a sack in the sun. I am unable to pinpoint their owner.
Three men in black gumboots debate: Two hundred thousand was too much...No, Mzee Njogu is a rich man... (The rest is inaudible from this distance)

Six independent pairs of eyes fling suspicious glances at me. I abbreviate my soft drink in three gulps. They shake their heads in confusion.
dchege711   
Jul 23, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean' - Background / Story Central to Identity [2]

hmmm... you should probably eliminate the sentence fragments especially at the beginning n turn them into sentences. also reduce the repetition where you finish a sentence with one word only to start the next with the same word; try combining them... just asking, is the essay about you or your parents? coz I don't get the 'you' part of the essay. you've shared what your parents went through.... am also preparing my common app.
dchege711   
Jul 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / "I AM NOT A MERE TEACHER" - creative essay [3]

thanks for correcting me on the digressions. n a cat means continuous assessment test... it's quite common in my country
dchege711   
Jul 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / "I AM NOT A MERE TEACHER" - creative essay [3]

It is only 5 am yet I can sleep no more. Unfortunate, you may think. But I love this! Nothing gets my heart racing than the thrill of a new day. I hurriedly gobble my abbreviated breakfast. "Better days ahead," I reassure myself. My legs chauffeur me to my heaven on earth. By the way, my area politician should be ashamed of lying to me that he would tarmac this road if we voted him in. The fellow instead built himself a mansion and employed two unnaturally muscular guards to keep off 'unwanted visitors.' Finally, "good morning students?" They respond cheerfully. I continue, "today we shall learn how to..."

I chuckle when anybody dismisses me as a mere teacher. I am a dispenser of hopes, dreams, ambition and all the good things that we have in our society, of course, apart from the politician! Almost everybody gives up on the chap who could only manage a 120 out of the imaginary 500 in the grade 8 exam. But I don't. I received her in grade 9 and tell her she is many things but daft. If she crams not lyrics than perfect squares, I promptly give a CAT to refocus her mind. I can't forget to warn her that the fellow complimenting her hair is a hungry wolf. Thou shall fall in live with thy syllabus, period. At times she comes crying and then I let go off my math textbook and offer a shoulder- a metaphorical one, I must add!

With such a noble job, it beats logic that I am still hovering precariously a few inches above minimum wage. On the other hand, I do get paid. Producing an engineer, or better still, a teacher would certainly massage my heart. Inevitably, mossy of my students don't make it to campus. I am glad when I see Kerubo in a grocery store and not in a skimpy see-through dress. Kamau is a bus driver. That is one less village idler. Suleiman works as an accountant. I also heard that Nzioka supplies milk to four primary schools. At first glance, these achievements seem more inflated than the tender prices on TV. But these students (and their teachers) have worked hard considering the odds.

Let none call me a mere teacher. Where the society sees hopeless individuals, I see candles in need of a flame.
dchege711   
Jul 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / What should a country do: run/ carry out the policy of isolating from the world or engaging others? [3]

I will present my thoughts in the order of your essay's content.
Don't be wordy (from my viewpoint, I strongly... What I put in my priority is...) Just say what you want and don't tell us that you want to say sth.

The one and they at the beginning of the 2nd paragraph are confusing. I assumed you have the countries in mind and so the 'one' is misplaced.

Learn technology and experience? Try inserting gain since you don't learn experience. Parallelism.
The undeveloped nation should be plural.
Also avoid meeting two separate ideas into one paragraph.
Finally, I have an issue with your conclusion. It's not real.
Hope that helps. :)
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