There is a lot of grammatical errors and sentence structure problems in your paper. I suggest you use a professional writing service for revisions. It cannot be done by mere suggestions here.
It is alright to use the term "I remember" twice since it indicates the start of a new sentence and thought process. Using it twice and separating it using commas is not alright. That would be a redundancy.
Hey, this is a fantastic essay. But just like all essays, there is still room for improvement. In the portion where you talk about going to the skate park everyday to learn the skateboarding moves and techniques, I would suggest that you go a little further and make it more personal. Share a learning experience you had with one of the older skateboarders that influenced the way you approach your academic studies as well. It will be a perfect fit because later on in the paper, you discussed how skateboarding prepared you for serious studies and how you compare learning to skateboard with learning academics. I believe that this addition will further enhance the meaning of the paper for both you and the admissions officer who will read it. Overall, this is an almost perfect effort. I commend you on a well thought out and written paper. I hope you will take my suggestions into consideration as well. Good luck!
I agree with the previous comments. Instead of telling them about their program, you should instead concentrate on informing them about how you were influenced by their program. That way you can still mention their goals, objectives, mission statement, etc. while not really rehashing what they already know. Since the concentration of the United Nations is on human rights, I strongly suggest that you discuss your stand on human rights in relation to your living in Madagaskar and how you plan to use your experience with the Young Professionals Programme to further your human rights work either in Madagaskar or other parts of the world. Concentrate on human rights. That is what the program is about. Let them feel your passion for human rights through your letter. That is what they are looking for and expecting of all the program applicants. I hope this helps you in further improving your paper :-)
Your sentences flow well actually. It is also best to keep it in its original form because changing the sentence structure using other people's suggestions might make the teacher question if you used a professional writing service since your writing style will tend to change with the editing of the paper. I suggest that you read the essay at least 5 times and discover for yourself if you would like to rephrase certain parts. That way the sentence structure and flow will not change. Any suggestions we make to change the sentence structure such as rephrasing might not flow well with the rest of the paper. So it would be best for you to rewrite certain portions that you think need improvement. But let me get you started with this:
Last year's was an instant success - discuss this portion further. What was the activity last year? What made it a success? Why do you consider it successful?
You are doing an overall good job on this paper. It shows great promise content wise. Keep up the good work :-)
You should drop the Messner Effect in the title of the essay and just mention it in passing within the actual paper. Your concentration should be on how the school -- its faculty members, classmates, and organizations helped shaped the person you became. That is because you mentioned in the title that your world view was shaped by your school. The Messner Effect does not have a truly point of view shaping effect on a person. That kind of influence comes from your interaction and discussion with your school peers. Concentrating on that will definitely improve the paper much more. I hope this helps you in the further revision of your paper. Keep up the good work. The paper is shaping to be a great one.
I would give this essay a 10 out of 12 because of the highly intelligent discussion that you have posed. It is debatable in some ways, which makes it very interesting to read. Now, there are no grammatically perfect essays to come out of college students so I will over look those and just concentrate on the content of the paper. I agree that the essay can use a good conclusion but I believe that you can fix that by starting off the final paragraph with the following sentence "In conclusion, I would like to present the case of (name of google founder) as a perfect sample of not trusting in the opinion of others... It is because of the conclusion problem that I gave it an overall grade of 10. Keep in mind though that if you improve upon the grammatical content and correct the errors in sentence structure and spelling, your paper will bring in a better mark with your professor. Of course my grade is only for reference and is not going to be similar to the final grade your professor gives you but I believe that you are going to receive very good marks on this paper if you apply the suggested corrections. It is a good paper, you just need to adjust the content to make it even better. Keep up the good work!
I definitely think you should start over. I suggest that you outline the reasons you feel content in your car before you start writing so that you won't be tempted to stray off topic while writing. I hope that helps :-) I am sure you can do this.
First of all, I I thought you were going to talk about your bed but you ended up talking about something totally different. I suggest you finalize the title for it. Your opening statement alone indicates that you are imagining something else. All of a sudden, you end up talking about your car. This is where another problem lies. Although you say that you feel comfortable, nothing about what you describe tells me you feel content in the car. If you are thinking of problems and other things, that is definitely not a place where you feel happy. You describe too many other emotions and activities within the car that do not really relate to contentment. If you feel content in your car, you have to talk about why you feel that way. You say you feel safe in the car but you never describe why. Why does your breathing pattern change when you are in the car? How does that help you feel content? Then at the end, you suddenly say you feel content because the car lets you listen to Lana Del Rey. That is a totally different theme that you have to discuss.
Basically, it does not answer the prompt although it is descriptive enough. It can use improvements that a professional writing service can provide. The essay requires a professional rewrite in my opinion. I can refer you to a professional writing service if you would like. Good luck!
You were really able to express yourself well in this essay even though you are not a native English speaker. For the spelling errors, I suggest that you learn to use the spell check programs that come with all document writing software such as Word and Open Office. Normally those programs will not only help you fix the spelling errors but also guide you in simple sentence structure as it makes suggestions for certain sentence or paragraph structures that it deems to be wrong or confusing. Over all, you did a very good job on this paper. I know you can improve your writing even more over time. All the best writers get to that status through years of practicing their craft and you are well on your way to that. Good luck!
The essay itself is very well written and describes a very important event in your life. However, the reason as to why this particular event signifies the transition from childhood to adulthood in your community or family remains unclear. You would want to discuss a topic that clearly refers such an event in your life. Events such as receiving a family heirloom, a heart to heart talk with your mother or father about responsibilities and their expectations of you at a certain age, or perhaps a community event that marks such a passage like hunting or fishing with some people from the community along with other people of similar age to you. Although the above topic is very interesting and truly engaging, it does not refer to any reason as to why it should be considered a transitory event from childhood to adulthood that is shared with your family or community.Instead, it is a personal experience about a memorable event in your past. I hope my review helps you out. Good luck !
The essay itself is already very good content wise. It just needs to expand a bit more towards the end part. The paragraph that explains how you are observing the other people in the cinema. How is watching the movie with these people a meaningful experience for you? Surely you are thinking of some things as you observe them. Pull back on the information about what you are thinking as you watch the movies. Instead, talk about how the movies help you deal with real life. Your interaction with other people and problems that you might find resolutions to as you watch these movies and observe the audience with you. Those are the experiences that make the movie viewing experience meaningful to you.
The best information to put in a personal essay always has to do with your personal accomplishments and activities that have relevance towards the course you are
applying for. By showing them that you have proper exposure and activities that make you a very good candidate as a student, the scholarship committee will know that you are very serious about your chosen career path and will not be dropping out to change courses midstream. You also have to assure them that the scholarship is very
important towards achieving your end goal of graduation and how you plan to help promote the scholarship program during your time as a student and even after graduation. It is not really very difficult to write this sort of paper as long as you know what the scholarship committee is looking for and you will be able to respond to it. If they have any essay prompt, make sure to address all of the questions that they are asking of you in order to gain their interest and attention.
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