Undergraduate / Before going to Vipassana (a silent meditation retreat) I was trying to find myself. CommonApp Essay [2]

Any comments or suggestion will be appreciated;
Essay prompt:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I had little information about Vipassana on a brochure that my cousin brought back home. Before going to Vipassana (a silent meditation retreat) I was trying to find myself.

Little did I know that it would immensely put my life into perspective. It was the fourth day at Vipassana when I started to noticeably wonder the changes. During the body-scan meditation I kept getting flashbacks. Abrupt scenes from my past appeared, as though trying to signal me into a future as lost as my past where I once used to live and, laugh.

I am back being a 10 year old, when I moved to the US from Nepal along with my family for my father's dissertation in Nuclear Physics. To my parents' surprise, I loved growing up in Kent, where summer days were scorching hot and the sun would not set until 8 pm. Every afternoon I used to gather all my friends pretending to be a standup comedian and performing skits in my show called 'The Stupid Show'. I loved making people laugh. The smell of freshly cut grass in spring was my favorite though; it always reminded me of home. That made me wonder- my home was Kent now. What home did I remember? What home did I forget? Gradually, as expected of a young innocent girl, I forgot my life back at Nepal. At eleven, it did not seem to bother me a bit. Yes I was a foreigner but, I felt home.

Growing up, I was always more comfortable in school rather than at my own house. While my father was busy studying, Mother tried to keep us grounded to our values and instilled traditions in us. She made us attend community parties. But between community parties and school, I felt like I was leading two different lives because there was a complete marked difference. Not long after, I lost any little of Nepali identity I ever had in me.

Coming back to Nepal at that very point exacerbated the situation. Suddenly, I had stopped smiling. I had no friends. At fourteen, I was supposed to start from zero. Things were changing inside my body. Things were changing inside me. I always used to wonder who I was. I was constantly misunderstood at home for having forgotten the family values of living in a joint family some of which were agreeing politely to absurd orders from the elders and forgiving the troublesome youngsters. The term "compromise" had become an abstract concept for me. I was an outsider again. I was a foreigner in my own country and in my own home.

After ten days of intense meditation at Vipassana and being cut off with the actual world, I still did not achieve stillness of mind which was the primary aim of the camp. But one thing I definitely did was a lot of thinking. These thoughts helped me to understand myself better; they got me to accept myself for being me and accepting my home that was after all the place that is my own. Over the years in Nepal, everything got familiar; the hearty chuckle of my grandfather, the loud voices and laughter of Mother along with her sisters, the bond and support I found in my cousins, a feeling I had completely forgotten about; everything came back to me. In no time, this became a part of me. This was who I was. This is who I am- a gregarious girl, who thrives with the help of family, adapts easily after all, and loves the thought of independence. In struggling to adapt with changes of distinctly different societies in crucial ages of my life, I understood a primary lesson of life- that in a lot of living, there is a lot of learning to do. And Today, after many thoughts I look forward to keep discovering myself in midst of knowledge and challenges.

Scholarship / "Don't feel anything. Don't think anything" - Meditation; Applying to Macalester, Colgate, Rice. [5]

The concrete bench felt cold on my skin as I laid on my back; staring at the sky, almost grey, concealed with heavy clouds from one horizon to the other. It was the fourth day; Vipassana day. I felt a strong urge to follow the rules; I hadn't heard my own voice for three whole days. I was gradually getting accustomed to the daily routine and the eerie silence, but still could not apprehend the technique which was supposed to transform me into a new person. I felt few drops of rain on my face, looking around, everybody waiting hesitantly for the door to open. As the bell rang, I walked the same hollow stairs into the dimmed hall where my blue cushion untouched, the way I had left an hour ago, was waiting for me. I quietly sat down, legs crossed and eyes closed.

The Vipassana instructor's voice started echoing through the hall, giving us direction and walking us through the meditation. "Don't feel anything. Don't think anything. Only feel the sensation on your body, don't crave if the feeling gives you pleasure. Don't avert if it is painful. Keep feeling, Keep concentrating from your head to your toe and back." I start to take long breaths and concentrate on his voice, but my mind started drifting away, reminiscing the past.

I am back in a town called Kent, where I used to spend my lazy summer afternoon gathering all my friends and pretending to be a standup comedian and performing skits in my show known as 'The Stupid Show', making everybody laugh. I was President of the "Girl Scout," that I had formed with the girls in our neighborhood. We would organize 'Talent Shows' for our parents. I started feeling warm in my stomach, and I smiled big. I remembered I wasn't supposed to react to my feelings.

I started concentrating on my toes again, moving down towards my ankle; I tried not to feel anything. Too late, flashback appears, I am on the ledge of a bridge 160 m above ground, the whole world stops, I question myself "Should I jump?" or "Should I step back?" I jump without thinking, realizing a second later; I jumped the way the Bungee Instructor emphasized not how to jump. I am screaming on top of my lungs, Make it stop!! Finally, after being tossed around like pizza dough, it was over. That moment of relief, comprehending I had survived, gave me more to look forward in life. Usually, by the end of the flashback, I am petrified, but today I felt strong. My ankles tingled from within my flesh. As I moved upwards, more tingles started flowing, on my calves, knees and thighs. I felt the flow of tingles deepening towards every part I was concentrating.

I am in Ninth grade proud to be representing my school for a speech competition in a national forum. My speech was about two pages long and I knew it word by word. I was anxious and panicking before my name was called. I start great, and as I am halfway through the speech, I freeze completely. I mumble few words, excuse myself and return back to the audience. I never mentioned this failure to anyone, probably because I am too embarrassed I failed. But I felt proud today. My whole body sensed the tingles flow like lightening, shooting on my face; my chin, my cheeks, my nose, eyes until it reached the top of my head where it exploded like fireworks.

Never can I describe how blissful I felt at that moment. The years of repressed emotion deepened inside me came out in forms of tingles until the point where these events that were part of me or scarred me wouldn't make any more difference. I had not reached enlightenment like Buddha, for I knew it would take me million of tries. But a new spark ignited, I was ready for a new beginning. I haven't been the same old person from that point onwards.