Undergraduate / My work in WIC didn't shake the world, or even cause a tremor. And yet, I am proud. Columbia essay [5]

Thank you, both of you!

Here is a slightly edited version. I added a short blurb explaining WIC, so it currently stands at 171 words.

Growing up, WIC (Women, Infant, Children), a governmental program to provide healthcare and nutrition to 'Women, Infant, and Children', was a common houseguest. My mother received it for my younger brother, and my father worked at the state office. So come freshman year, I volunteered at the local city WIC clinic.

And although my work was regular, it was also profoundly satisfying. As an intern, I was not restrained to any one department, and could interact more personally with members of the staff. Every time I returned an updated WIC folder, contents filled with food checks, or aided the dietitians with infant checkups, the raw gratitude on the faces of the WIC recipients surprised me. It amazed me that my small actions would have rippling effects on the lives of these people.

My work in WIC was nothing earthshattering, but to a few, it created waves. I had cultivated intimate relationships with those in the office and touched, however briefly, the lives of countless others. And for that, I am proud.

How's this?

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

Here is the updated version. The beginning remains basically the same, with edits appearing in the second half. Still can't exactly tell how well I did, but I attempted to paint a picture of my situation and how I reacted and changed instead of simply telling. Unfortunately, now the essay is 15 words over the limit...

Over two hundred people clustered together into an auditorium sat squinting up onto the stage illuminated by glaring fluorescent lights. On the stage, the intensity was equally blinding; and yet, nobody, neither those on nor off the stage, could hide their smiles of excitement. On the stage, clad in a suit with a lapel pin of the star, the symbol of the Vice President, affixed on my breast, I was no exception. It was opening ceremony of the 2014 State Conference of the Technology Student Association, and with the crowd that had gathered, it was strange to think that as early as the beginning of the year, almost nothing had existed.

The Technology Student Association (TSA), a club dedicated to nurturing the sciences and technologies through competitive events, began in Maryland with the whim of two teachers from separate schools, who had both experienced the club in another state in their childhood. With its recent founding and nonexistent funding, however, there was little that could be done.

"How about you run for officer?" the club advisor asked one day. "Think about it; immortalized forever as a member of the first-ever MDTSA officer team!" he joked.

"Uh.."

I found his humor lacking. Public speaking and organizations had never been my forte, and I was reluctant to take part in what used these skills extensively. What good could I really do? But the club had become a large part of my extracurricular life, and I felt sense of obligation. At least, I could say I tried. "..Sure. Why not?" I answered, expecting little.

I got elected. As Vice President.

The next few months put me into positions that I would never have subjected myself to otherwise. As it turned out, the TSA Vice President was in charge of membership and recruitment, which translated to endless lists to be organized and countless meetings to instigate. Suddenly, I was forced to bear the mantle of an unshakable leader.

But with every meeting to convince other schools into creating a chapter., my palms grew sweaty and my mouth dry. Rows of teachers and administrators sat across from me, impassionate eyes focused on handed-out pamphlets and on me. I coughed nervously and offered a tremulous smile, but only the occasional face returned it. The gravity of my situation came crashing down on me, and I realized that my words could pave the way to TSA's growth, or cut its roots before it could even begin. I was woefully inadequate, but with no option left to me, I cleared my throat and began to speak. At the very least, I decided, I will try.

And each time I threw caution to the winds and simply tried to project my message, regardless of the consequences, words came out smoother. Failure was no longer a sentence of damnation, but a step to success, and each new chapter formed served as proof. Meetings and communication among teachers then became less an obstacle to struggle over and more an opportunity to spread something I loved, the thrill of seeing my passion for Biology and Physics mirrored in those I compete with or the camaraderie formed between partners during team events, to others. Public speaking would never become something easy, I knew, but given a proper purpose and an outlet, it became that much more bearable.

The end of the day found me walking the halls of the now-empty high school that had hosted the State Conference. The beginning of the year had ended much differently than anticipated. A small club was well on its way into spreading across Maryland, and I had learned to forfeit any apprehensions, and dive in headfirst. The unsure apprehensive person that had unknowingly fallen into the role of Vice President no longer existed. Instead, someone who had grown to fit the role, someone who could take pride in his actions, and confidence in both success and defeat had taken his place. Someone who was glad he, given the chance, had tried.

As always, I really appreciate your help. Please feel free to give me an honest opinion.

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

Hm, alright, that makes sense. I honestly feel like this 'TSA club' essay reveals a more proactive and attractive part of my personality and demonstrates growth better than the previous essay. Of course, there is always room for development, which is why I'm currently attempting to fix it with your words of advice in mind.

However, I am a little bit reluctant to let go of the beginning dialogue (I've deleted the end dialogue. seemed too runny and wordy, although I liked the last sentence), since I feel it portrays my reluctance and my voice.

Basically, what I was attempting to portray in this essay was that I, in the beginning, was reluctant and apprehensive about starting something that I felt weak in i.e. the responsibilities (organization, public speaking, etc) of the Vice President, but constant trials and tribulations and seeing the growth of TSA, gave me "a purpose and an outlet" to do better in. In the end, I'm supposed to be someone that is willing to try and give my all, to "forfeit any apprehensions and dive in headfirst", and has developed leadership qualities and grown because of it.

Something like that ^

Do you think you can tell me what specifically is lacking in the essay that detracts from my purpose, or what seems irrelevant and removable? Right now, I'm shortening the conclusion, and planning on lengthening the middle section by making it more anecdotal. I'll have it up in a few hours. (it seems our timezones clash)

Sorry for taking up so much of your time and askin' so many questions -_-"

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

How's this version? I feel like this much more personal and focused more on my growth. It's probably more genuine than the other one, although, to be completely honest, my reluctance into becoming an officer was chiefly due to the aversion to responsibility, although I do hate public speaking and am pants at organization.

It's currently standing at 643 words.

Over two hundred people clustered together into an auditorium sat squinting up onto the stage illuminated by glaring fluorescent lights. On the stage, the intensity was almost blinding; and yet, it seemed nobody, both those on and off the stage, could hide their smiles of excitement.

[...]

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

That's what I was afraid of... How would I twist either of these two essays to better fit a central identity essay, or one of the common app prompts? Which one in stronger in terms of ideas?

As far as prompts go, the TSA one may work with the childhood -> adulthood prompt.
I'm not too sure about the Shingles one, but that one would either be the first prompt, or the failure prompt (maybe??). That one is also more developed, but like i said, it may not show the proactiveness of my character..

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

These here are basically my unedited thoughts blathered onto a page/screen. It's still pretty cringe-worthy, but this is the general gist of what I am trying to write about. Of course, I still have a lot to do with this, in making things flow better, in revealing my growth more over TSA's growth. Basically everything.

But it's a start... right? It's currently 678 words, so things have to be edited out, but I've always felt deleting is easier than creating. Hopefully this here is worth keeping and growing. Not sure what else I could write about. But I will what I must..

Most other clubs have a precedent, a history. Not so with the Technology Student Association. The club was over a thousand strong in other states, but in Maryland, it had been completely non-existent until this past year, my sophomore year. Invited by an old teacher, I quickly became a frequenter of the club and its events, which ranged from Robotics to Prepared Presentation and Biomedical Research Display. However, for as much fun as I had, the club remained a niche among students. That year's "conference" if it could be called so, had been a loose union between two schools and a meager twenty people had shown up between the both of us.

[...]

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

How about telling a story about how I joined a newly-made club at my school, and, through the course of the year, helped it grow into a state-wide organization? I'd probably focus on that process and how I grew while doing it.

Only problem is, I dunno if that would sound like I'm tootin' my own horn or repeating my resume. I also have no idea how to properly word everything, but that's only editing and practice..

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

Thank you, but I can't help but still feel unsatisfied.

My writing may be fluid and vivid (thank you!), but content is my main area of concern. Does this essay provide a view of someone desirable to colleges? If you were an admissions officer at a selective university, would you pick me over someone else?

My worry is that this essay only places me among the thousands of kind applicants, and doesn't provide anything catching.

Should I, and is it possible to, add any other qualities, such as drive, passion, leadership, or initiative, to this essay that would be more appealing? I'm not trying to create traits, but rather, attempting to find out which of mine I should highlight most.

Thanks again for the kind words

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

Wow, thank you so much. Really, I couldn't have done it without your guidance.

Don't apologize for coming down harshly. If anything, I really did need it to kick my butt into high gear; and it worked!

Thanks again!

Undergraduate / Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it - MIT ESSAY; BUSY LIFE AND ACTIVITY [7]

Don't stress over this. If it's 100 words, there's probably a larger essay that is worth more attention. This short essay is more for the admissions committee to guage what kind of person you are and attempt to glean a bit more about your personality.

First: Attempt to write 120 words. It's always easier to slowly cut away that to attempt to make up more. Your essay is currently 45 words. That's 55 words that could have been put to use, especially because of this essay's briefness.

Be straightforward. There isn't any room for anecdotes, narratives, or long explanations like in the Common App essay. Tell me what you like (Travelling, obviously), why you love it, some examples of your experiences (it'd be best if you narrow it to one special trip), and if possible, what you learn from it.

That gives you around 25 words for each. That should be plenty.

At the very least, try first. Don't get intimidated by the brevity of the prompt.

Wishing the best,
FullofSeoul.

Undergraduate / I was never interested in college because I had no aim in life. Common App Transfer Essay [5]

Unfortunately, I must disagree with the above comment. I don't think "it's ok".

I apologize in advance if I seem too harsh.

First, the whole basis of your essay is very weak. I understand what you are trying to reach by telling us (the reader) about your goals and your past, but nothing good ever comes from you saying that you had "no aim in life". Remember, no matter how genuine you are trying to be here, the fact of the matter is, you are still trying to sell yourself. Make a connection instead to how your financial situation was tight.

Focus on the experiences had during your time in the computer science class. How did this class help you realize what you wish to do in life? Give me an anecdote or at least some sort of narrative. I find myself hard-pressed to believe that taking one class suddenly gave you a purpose in life. Prove me wrong. Show me what happened.

Your description of the community college is vague and uninteresting. I can't see how your friends make you a more attractive student to the college of your choice. Focus on what you've learned, and how you intend to apply it during your time at UNC. What did you learn from your professors? What values did you learn? If you must talk about your friends, talk about how you grew not only intellectually, but socially as well.

Lastly, I could replace 'UNC' with every other college in the world, and it would still make sense. Go onto their site and do research for a good hour or two. Find what's unique about UNC that appeals. Every person in the world wants to go to college "to be more stable in the future" and "learn more". What differentiates you from every other applicant out there? What do you find interesting about UNC that others may not? Remember, you are trying to find things about the college that will indirectly reveal something about you.

For example, Yale is famous for its residential system and its family-like environment. Talk about that and you suddenly seem like a very social individual. UChicago values the pursuit of knowledge and is famous for its "UnCommon App". Talk about that and you seem like an intellectual with a quirkiness to him. Get it?

You have more than 250 words to work with. I'd guess that 650 is the max. Use that whole 650. At the very least, use 500. Using exactly 250 makes you look bad, in my opinion, unless those 250 words are the greatest 250 words known to man. Flesh out your answer. Show me your personality.

Again, sorry if I sound harsh, but I think it's needed.

Best of luck,
FullofSeoul.

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

My apologies if I sounded like a smart aleck. I was only trying to use one of my favorite words, one that happened to describe me well. I wasn't attempting to sound more intelligent that I am, or "write the next Star Trek novel", but evidently, I appeared so. (and flashy was the wrong word; the word I was looking for was 'unique', but I failed in that as well.)

Instead, I've gotten rid of all mentions of the word 'grok', replacing them with more relatable, universal terms. Hopefully this makes me sound less pretentious and more genuine.. I'm not sure how well I did, but I sorta combined the initial gist of the first version with the content of the second.

Learning, I believe, is universal; it cannot be limited to the classroom. In fact, the experiences learned elsewhere can be just as valuable and rewarding. In such a sense, Columbia's drive for learning and applying creates an environment where growth is not only ideal, but inevitable-an environment that I wish to immerse myself in.

I don't simply learn. Whether anything academic, such as Biology, or purely enjoyment, such as the piano, I tackle it wholeheartedly. There is no such thing as rote memorization or fact regurgitation. I ask questions, find examples, understand its barest concepts, and eventually, I apply it.

Columbia is the same. The Core can shape me into a rounder, more diverse, individual, can cultivate a more creative and inquisitive mind. Even outside the Core, Columbia teaches the student to apply. To not be taught biology, but to be the biologist; not be taught Physics, but to become the physicist.

Even past the academics, Columbia's vibrant environment is an invaluable learning experience. Its residence halls, such as the LLC, can provide opportunities for me to interact with both students and faculty, and allow me to experience all facets of the college through its people. On top of that, the city outside Columbia supplements this lifestyle; inside the campus, I can experience the theoretical, the academics, but a step outside Columbia's gates reveals another universe, one where the theoretical becomes the practical. I want to participate in the Undergraduate Research Fellowship program and intern at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, for example.

Columbia brings forwards people and personalities, not applicants and test scores. I want to learn Columbia's teachings, its people, its environment. But learning is only part of my wish; application requires that I be there, among the throng of students. A member of Columbia.

As always, I really do appreciate your help. Feel free to give me your honest opinion.

Undergraduate / Untranslatable meanings of special words - UChicago Supplement [4]

I, for my part, found this essay hilarious and enjoyable, if not completely suitable for admissions :3

A plus about this essay is that it shows me who you are as an individual and a person (and made me hungry for some of that Phuchka).

The problem is, is that the essay doesn't tell me much else other than that.. As far as I know, the focus of this essay is reveal a word that is integral to your culture. Remember, there is no word that isn't translatable. Every word can be translated into some form or the other; what UChicago's trying to get at here is that by translating, the culture and history that word holds inside it is lost. Your job is to reveal that history/culture to us and indirectly tell us about you.

At least, that's my take on it. For example, I wrote about "Jeong", a Korean word encompassing the feeling of connection between individuals, connected to Korea's importance on familism, and made a few hints about my own relationships.

Another take is to connect a word that isn't so impressive (but more impressive that a snack :3) but resonates deeply with who you are and respond with an anecdote about it.

And one last note: how you write your essay is everything. Wait, that sounds really obvious.
I mean, your writing, even if the topic isn't inherently about you, reveals a lot more than you would think about who you are (there's an article on uchicago's website with an admissions officer talking about this). Write with an easygoing tone, and you will seem so. Write with a logical tone, and you will seem so. I'm actually a pretty laid-back individual, but apparently I seem a bit pompous when I write o_0.

Anyways, just keep that in mind. There's 3 essays for Uchicago anyway, so you can try about a few different tones (maybe a bit humorous in one, and a more matter-of-fact in another).

Cheers, Hope you get in :3

PS. Mind you, I realized I basically just repeated what Louisa said. Whoops.

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

Yea... Grok is a word that requires a lot to explain, so I wasn't sure if I could get its meaning across in such a short amount of words. Basically, the word 'grok' is means water. It's not a character in the book, but a word that describes almost a state of being. Since water is scarce in Mars, the Martians immerse themselves in it. In the same way, it also means to 'immerse' oneself into the essense of an idea or a person. It's used multiple times in the novel to portray the protagonist's (who is a Martian) relationship with others and his grasp on human society. Did I explain that properly? At any rate, the current essay is at exactly 300 words, so I don't how I could lengthen the explanation without detracting from the actual meat of the essay.

You're right. I thought it would be a flashy (?) way to end it, kinda like 'I've done my part, you've just have to accept (me)', but it does come across as uncertain. Any idea on how to word the end?

I mean, I said grokking was a mutual thing so it's like 'I want to 'grok', but Columbia also has to let me 'grok'', ya know?

Thanks again for the super helpful comments! You're a real godsend :D

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

This is my second try on this essay: I changed quite a bit. Is this better?

My favorite work is Grok, from Stranger in a Strange Land. Grok is the Martian word for water. In context, however, Grok also means "to drink" in an idea or person. In other words, to grok is to understand or learn so thoroughly that it becomes a part of you. More than a funny word, grok describes not only who I am, but also Columbia's environment.

[...]

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

Thanks so much, vangiespen (Louisa?)! I really appreciate the feedback. I had feeling that the essay seemed to fact-heavy and not me-heavy if that makes any sense. I'm already working on revising it.

By the way, what do you mean by #3?
Basically, what I was trying to do was talk about what I could learn in the campus vs. the city. I wasn't talking specifically about location; if it seemed that way, it's just another thing for me to clear up! I'm not an exchange student, persay, if you mean international, but yes, I'm out-of-state.

Thanks again! I always see you while lurking around essayforums, so a high-five full of heartfelt gratitude to you ma'am!

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

*sigh* That's what I was afraid of. Yup, I see your point, thanks!

Undergraduate / Eating dinner alone is a catalyst for growth. Mentally and physically. Common App Essay - Prompt 1 [2]

This is not a bad essay. A few things that I'd recommend is shortening this whole section about your past, focusing an a few key events, and connecting to who you are now (using examples).

Like I saw someone say in an old forum post. "Don't tell me A, B, C, D. Tell me A, and make me able to find D." or something like that. In other words, this essay is too short for you to tell me your whole childhood. If your essay is about how loneliness as a child forced you to mature, give me one or two specific examples and place me into the story. Don't spend as much as you did in the beginning, about how you celebrated having no constraints. It doesn't help at all. In fact, its almost 150 words that could have been put to better use.

Oh, and maybe it's just me, but your diction feels too loose. True, this is a personal narrative more than an essay, but you want to maintain at least some formality. So, no words like "grab a ride", or "doozy". Carpool would work for the former, and it saves you a few words. Also, write out small letters, like 'fourteen' instead of '14'.

Lastly, I understand what you were attempting to do with the "monster under the bed" sentence, but in the context of your poem, it doesn't add much to your conclusion. In fact, if you had omitted it completely, I would have been none the wiser; it would have felt the same.

Basically, I like the general premise of it, and the lessons you learned, but it could do with some reviewing and less generalization. You have the foundation down, though. Welcome to the world of editing...