kleinhenz
Apr 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / Bribery in Morocco - citizens should stand against their leaders. [6]
In the first sentence, "bribe" should be changes to "bribes." Also, I think using it would make the sentence stronger if you used "even though" or "although" instead of just "though." "Manner" is awkward and should probably be removed. I would rewrite the whole sentence as, "In many countries around the world, people are ready to give bribes even though they know it is an uncivilized thing to do." The second sentence is also somewhat awkward. I would change "Morocco is one of these countries, where people..." to "Morocco is a country, where people..." That just flows better. Additionally "addict" should be changed to "addicted." The article "a" in front of "real development" is unnecessary. "over pass" isn't really correct usage. Probably say "overcome" instead.
In the first sentence of the second paragraph, the "it" in front of "respects human rights" is unnecessary and should be removed. English doesn't require a noun or pronoun in front of every verb as long as it is clear what thing the verb is referring to. "However, this is not true" should be a sentence on it's own. "Others say," should begin a new sentence. "lot" should be replaced by "a lot" since that is the common usage. As it stands the sentence is a fragment. Because requires two clauses, "Because of this, this." You only have one. The sentence would be fine if you just entirely deleted the "because." I would rewrite the last sentence of the second paragraph as "If the government is serious about establishing and fulfilling laws about this issue, both the citizens and the responsibles will make sure not to give nor get bribes" Again, notice the plural "bribes." It's unclear what responsibles refers to. Are they government ministers?
The third paragraph is mostly alright. In the last sentence, "cares to it" should be changed to "cares about it". Also "everybody" is one word not two. "decision in the side of" should be changed to "decision on the side of." "Charged of" should be changed to "charged with." These are just the accepted prepositions that go with those verbs.
The last two sentences are unclear. I think the use of "Suffice it to say" is particularly unclear. I would change it to "Since Mooroccan leaders are the first to benefit from bribery, they will never be serious about fighting it; hence citizens should stand against their leaders."
Overall, it has quite a few usage errors and unclear sentences, but if you make the corrections I suggested I think it would be fine.
In the first sentence, "bribe" should be changes to "bribes." Also, I think using it would make the sentence stronger if you used "even though" or "although" instead of just "though." "Manner" is awkward and should probably be removed. I would rewrite the whole sentence as, "In many countries around the world, people are ready to give bribes even though they know it is an uncivilized thing to do." The second sentence is also somewhat awkward. I would change "Morocco is one of these countries, where people..." to "Morocco is a country, where people..." That just flows better. Additionally "addict" should be changed to "addicted." The article "a" in front of "real development" is unnecessary. "over pass" isn't really correct usage. Probably say "overcome" instead.
In the first sentence of the second paragraph, the "it" in front of "respects human rights" is unnecessary and should be removed. English doesn't require a noun or pronoun in front of every verb as long as it is clear what thing the verb is referring to. "However, this is not true" should be a sentence on it's own. "Others say," should begin a new sentence. "lot" should be replaced by "a lot" since that is the common usage. As it stands the sentence is a fragment. Because requires two clauses, "Because of this, this." You only have one. The sentence would be fine if you just entirely deleted the "because." I would rewrite the last sentence of the second paragraph as "If the government is serious about establishing and fulfilling laws about this issue, both the citizens and the responsibles will make sure not to give nor get bribes" Again, notice the plural "bribes." It's unclear what responsibles refers to. Are they government ministers?
The third paragraph is mostly alright. In the last sentence, "cares to it" should be changed to "cares about it". Also "everybody" is one word not two. "decision in the side of" should be changed to "decision on the side of." "Charged of" should be changed to "charged with." These are just the accepted prepositions that go with those verbs.
The last two sentences are unclear. I think the use of "Suffice it to say" is particularly unclear. I would change it to "Since Mooroccan leaders are the first to benefit from bribery, they will never be serious about fighting it; hence citizens should stand against their leaders."
Overall, it has quite a few usage errors and unclear sentences, but if you make the corrections I suggested I think it would be fine.