/ IELTS - Satisfaction is no longer guaranteed by just simply adequate salaries
Hey Darcy, nice try. i am also preparing for IELTS test, glad to see a company here! i have some advices for you, here we go.
about the grammars in the first paragraph,
"To my view-point " → "From/in my point of view".
a conservative attitude.. " → hold/ have
"To my view-point, (lack of the subject)
dividing this psychological achievement"
Also, pardon me, i couldn't quite understand "I still grasp a conservative attitude towards the feasibility of job satisfaction assessment to everyone." Your attitude is toward "the feasibility of job satisfaction assessment" or to "everyone"? if thats not what you want to say, you might want to rearrange the order of the words.
In the second paragraph, you could say thats your own opinion but not experts to category the facts into three aspects because the topic is about giving your own point of view, and you also made the statement in your first paragraph saying you have divided them at least into three parts.
Also, "category the job satisfaction into three groups, including/which includes/ such as
success, facility and interpersonal relationship."
"harsh cold boss" →"harsh and cold blood boss"
As for paragraph 3 and 4, they could be seen as getting a little off the topic. Surely happy life includes private life and successful business, but you might want to stick to the topic, which is job satisfaction/ job expectation. and the conclusion would look nicer if it were extended.
Hope my opinions would do some help, and good day to you!