Undergraduate / UChicago, custom prompt. Describe how Mom & Dad are not just an ATM [10]

okay so,
can anyone go ever the grammar and punctuation(commas and semi/full colons for me please.
also the contractions since I tend to use -'s awkwardly at times.

also suggest, whether I need to add another personal example or is it sufficient?

Describe how Mom & Dad are not just an ATM.

Lets assume that a group of newborns were left in each others company with sustenance provided, but no adult supervision available. As they grow up, their antics would surely reveal how a lack of guidance has shaped their personality. I'm sure most of them would still be crawling by the time they enter school, Moreover, an extra grade before pre-school would be required just to teach them an earthly language. Thus, without a parent-- a guide-- a toddler would not be able to learn the basics of its species.

The first three years of a child's life are spent entirely at home where the parents guarantee an optimal environment for their growth. Parents ensure nourishment, health and also educate their children. They therefore are a child's first teachers whose teachings range from potty-training to basic mannerism and beyond. More importantly, parents try their best to become role models for their children as young one's pickup most from observing and following. As James Baldwin aptly states, ""Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." Therefore, all of a person's early development is credited to the tireless efforts of their parents.

As one grows up, they enter a more complicated era of their life: the teenage. Teenage life, with all its worldly attractions and mood swings, is like a tightrope walkover a ravine with one's parents being the balancing tool. You lose it and you'll tumble into the wilderness that the world provides. Parents, at this juncture of one's life, play an important role in preventing their children from going astray by keeping check on their activities and more importantly instilling a conscience in them.However, if they restrict themselves to being an ATM, their children are more likely to indulge in smoking, drinking, use of drugs and teenage pregnancies: things that can only hinder their progress in life. Soon, the teenagers grow up and leave home and become independent. Even then, at any stage of their life, solace is sought only in the embrace of their parents.

Personally, my parents have been more than an ATM for me and have impacted my life in numerous positive ways. In my childhood, I had an introvert personality and shied away from the prospect of being on the podium or even asking questions in class. It was my parents' constant support and encouragement which allowed me to overcome my fears and become expressive. I remember: once my teacher, despite my severe protest, forced me to participate in an exclamation contest. After a lot of reluctance, tears and persuasion I managed to take the stage that day. However, as expected: I stuttered and forgot nearly half of my debate. Embarrassed and dejected, I was at the point of breakdown and would have if not for my father. He stood up applauding me alone. Soon the entire crowd joined in: to my delight, I left the stage beaming instead of crying. That day made proved motivation enough for me to become the one hand in class which was always in the air, when a question was asked.

In today's society, we have replacements for our parents. A daycare for a toddler, guidance counselors for teenagers and advisers for adults. But we fail to realize that no caretaker or counselor would care as much for someone else's children, as much as their own parents. Would someone polish your car daily if you pay them for its maintenance? They certainly would not. The care involved when self-interests are involved is much greater than that due to monetary advantages. However, tragically the foundation of parenthood is being slowly eroded in our society. Parents, with their experience hold a certain wisdom and knowledge. But now we have the internet and many other sources to acquire knowledge and feel that what we learn from them is more worthy than a parent's teachings. Our elders are thought to hold out-dated views and subsequently, wisdom is becoming less and less valued. However, we fail to realize that evolution of morality only takes place when we learn from our elders-- both, the good and the bad-- and carry only the good forward.

Thus, our parents are, but not just, an ATM. By the order of nature, it is their obligation to provide for their offspring and that they do. However, we must realize that an ATM also runs out at one time. When that happens, If one's parents were more than just a cash machine: groomed and educated them, they would be able to stand on their own feet. However, if they were merely a cash point, one would be left on the streets: shelter less and unable to provide for their own needs.

thanks a lot!

Undergraduate / 'to play a constructive role in educating my society' - Volunteering; ExtraCurricular activity [6]

So, could anyone please take a look at the grammar and punctuation. Also suggest places I can cut or join sentences to cut 20 words as it exceeds the word limit.

However,the order of events can't be changed since it came that way.

My initial intention in volunteering at The Citizens Foundation's summer camp for underprivileged children, was to play a constructive role in educating my society. However,after two successive years of participation, I was awarded by being selected as a supervisor for the program itself. My preliminary task was to design a curriculum for the program with an emphasis on improving the pupils' spoken English and social skills. During it's course, I ensured a smooth conduct of daily affairs at the three participating schools. Also, I assisted my fellow volunteers in understanding their respective roles and the importance of ignoring the social-gap to effectively bond with the children. The debriefings and group activities suggested by my mentor at the NGO helped in this regard. Our tireless efforts resulted in the children: who originally were unable to communicate in English in their classrooms, to present a play in front of the whole school, at the closing ceremony. The beaming innocent faces,and the fact that some even cried while seeing us leave reassured us that we did touch some hearts,and minds. The program did teach me some predictable things-- leadership, management, and responsibility-- but my learning was not limited to that. Having a close proximity to the management gave me an insight into the operational structure of an NGO. Additionally, I also learned the importance of a democracy: as a middle ground between two opposing suggestions was required while planning group activities. The experience was such that I would let it be a catalyst for me to pursue such endeavors in the future.