Posts by acrogirl5

acrogirl5

Dec 31, 2014

Scholarship / Free speech is the ultimate precondition for colleges to establish academic excellence. SCHOLARSHIP! [2]

the only problem that i have with this is that you're wasting a lot of words on explaining what and not why. f.i.r.e. sounds great to me, but i only found it interesting because i ALREADY agree with you. you need to spend more time convincing the reader of your position

acrogirl5

Dec 21, 2014

Undergraduate / "...what else makes you unique and colorful?" William and Mary Essay [4]

really just the very first paragraph about "the dreaded college essay"
i like "but that's too dramatic, and dramatic is bad, or so Im told" though so you could start with something similar, like a cliche about how if all of your unique qualities were colors, you would be a rainbow, followed by but that's too cliche and cliche is bad, or so i'm told. or something to that effect. i don't want to put words into your mouth, and i don't think you need a total overhaul, just little adjustments to the same general idea

acrogirl5

Dec 21, 2014

Undergraduate / New York bustles with millions of lives, each contributing to the city's own little universe [6]

It's very good, I would just give a little more about what you can offer NYU. Telling stories is great, but all I got out of yours was that you're cooperative. That's one quality out of the many I'm sure you have, and you should expand on the diligence and enthusiasm you also mention.

Hope this helped!

acrogirl5

Dec 21, 2014

Undergraduate / "He who stays near vermilion gets stained red; he who stays near ink gets stained black" - My Story [5]

I got a little lost in your essay, you jump a little too fast and tend to repeat things.

First of all with the intro, don't mention Sudan, a paragraph later you're going to say you had never even heard of it before you were told you were moving there. Leave it at "I lacked a permanent address moving from Sri Lanka to Sierra Leone"

There are a couple other structural problems but the main issue is that it really feels like you're saying that constant traveling has prevented you from developing one identity in your body paragraphs, but saying in your intro and conclusion that constant traveling has developed an identity unique to you regardless of what culture you are immersed in

acrogirl5

Dec 21, 2014

Undergraduate / "...what else makes you unique and colorful?" William and Mary Essay [4]

I like the writing style, like you're telling a story. It will set you apart from other applicants, and it does make you unique. However, colleges generally don't like to hear about how difficult their essays are. Everyone else applying probably found it difficult too, but they have more interesting things to talk about. Again, your imagery and story telling is great, its just generally not a great topic. I would say definitely keep the part about all of your families conflicting opinions, and keep the last sentence. It's totally okay to write about not knowing where to start or that you have a lot of weird/cool hobbies but none of them define you enough to focus an essay on them.

Hope that helped! I don't really know you so sorry I couldn't be more specific on what you should write about instead!

acrogirl5

Dec 21, 2014

Undergraduate / 'the invention studio' - Georgia Tech Supplement: Why am I interested [3]

Everything is good except the first sentence. Accommodating and challenging are kind of contradictory, I would just leave it at "it will allow me to further my capabilities without placing limitations on me"

acrogirl5

Dec 21, 2014

Undergraduate / Why Gun Rights Are a Huge Problem In Society [3]

I'm not going to write your concluding paragraph for you, but you should specify why this issue is important to you, and truly take a stand on it. You say you believe that issues should be resolved without violence and guns shouldn't be the first solution. Great! I agree with you! But does this mean you think gun control laws should be more strict? I'm not really understanding your opinion on the topic.

Hope this helped!

acrogirl5

Dec 21, 2014

Undergraduate / "This is my best friend, she's going to the Olympics" - I'm lost without gymnastics NYU Supplemental [3]

Prompt: NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU?

"This is my best friend, she's going to the Olympics," is how my friend Emily introduced me when we were younger. Now that we're seventeen, not much has changed. Despite the fact that my particular discipline of gymnastics isn't actually in the Olympics, I still have the goal to go as far as I possibly can in my sport. As a kid, anything was possible and the word unrealistic was not in my vocabulary. This still holds true today. Now however, as my gymnastics career is ending, I'm facing a problem I've never had before: I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I was always the gymnast. My interests make up a long and diverse list, but at the top of that list (bolded, with multiple exclamation marks, and underlined at least five times), is gymnastics. That's how it has been for almost my entire life, and without it I know I will be at somewhat of a loss. That's why NYU is my top choice. It will encourage me to pursue many interests and discover my new passion.

Being the global network that it is, NYU will offer me many opportunities to explore what I want to do with the rest of my life. The city itself is a place for the inspired; the dreamers who dance constantly to their own tune, a "magnet for talented and ambitious people," as your mission statement says. I see NYU as a place that I will learn from everyday simply by being there, not to mention what I will get out of it when I give all I have to my studies.

Gymnastics has formed me into a committed and driven person. These traits I will keep. I will also retain the belief that anything is possible through hard work and dedication. NYU will allow me to find new interests, and let those interests guide my education instead of forcing me into a major I'm unsure of. Although I will readily admit that I'm thoroughly lost, I believe that NYU will help me find myself and will provide me with unlimited possibilities that I would not have had anywhere else.

Let me know if the first paragraph is at all obtuse please! I also use the word "interest" a lot. Any suggestions for a substitute?