Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Dslash
Name: Andrew Zhao
Joined: Dec 29, 2014
Last Post: Feb 1, 2015
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  
From: United States of America
School: Confidential

Displayed posts: 8
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Dslash   
Feb 1, 2015
Undergraduate / I started out strong academically but later developed anxiety took a huge toll on my attendance [3]

Because I am not you, can you explain reasons why you developed anxiety? Like specific ones, and how they affected your attendance specifically?

Also, "mainstream honors classes" name any specific classes " While I took classes in AP US, AP bio, and AP Chemistry, this turned out to be a mistake as the course material was primary stressor that I was unable to handle." -specifics please.

However, the essay is good in the way that it helps me see your gradual improvement throughout your high school career.
Dslash   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / 'resource limitation has always been a problem for me' - New York City - Why Columbia [8]

New York City.

I had to self-train my debate team by finding private sponsors to conduct activities because there was no hire-able coach. My peers and I had to find private sponsors to conduct activities . Also, I trained myself for Science Olympiads I had to self-train for science olympiads as there was no hire-able expert; with only 4 months to learn everything from zero...

My school has limited resources as well: there are no proper laboratory, library, and fields - we(Who is we?- the school) have to rent a nearby warehouse for parking and use nearby military's sports field to exercise. Simply put, we have to strive moreharder than people from bigger cities to gain the same result. For students from my school, behind every victoryies and accomplishments, there was sleepless nights, sunday workings...

Hope this helps a little with the sentence structure. Good essay overall. Can you check out my NY essay?
Dslash   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / Lego retailer at Ebay; "Would you like to place your order?" "Yes" - Stern business school [4]

PROMPT: NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
NOTES: Currently essay is 462 words. Any criticism or feedback is appreciated. I need some help cut this essay short/ delete anything.

"Would you like to place your order?"

"Yes"

I glance anxiously at the Ebay timer. My blood pressure rises while my sweaty palms await to type a higher bid.

One minute, thirty seconds...

"The bid is over."

Exasperated, I let out a sigh. This is how I spend a majority of my weekends: Buying vintage and rare Lego sets to sell online at a markup. Four years as a Lego retailer has helped me obtain knowledge on how to retail, distribute, and maintain customer loyalty. Because of my experiences, I am fascinated by entrepreneurship. Finding business opportunities and ways to tackle problems excites me, and my Legos have provided me with the building blocks to my future.

However, I currently cannot apply what I have learned in schools and textbooks into my real life experiences. Through all of my sales online, I had only taken my passion and applied it to a very specific business setting. I want to attend the best schools in order to succeed in the business world.

NYU meets everything I have been looking for. The Stern business school would allow me to gain a deeper understanding of the foundations and application of business, while its proximity to Wall Street would give me an environment which I can gain internships and meet new networks. With classes on Practical Data Science to Sales Management, which would allow me to garner the skills necessary to create and manage a company successfully, I would also be able to work on my start-up while continuing my education.

However, I am not only bringing my passion for business to NYU. Stern's diverse campus life and student body would foster an environment which I can gain experience with different beliefs, cultures, and interests. Whether it be through my dance crew experience that urges me to join NYU's break dance troupe, or through my experiences with tutoring others which encourages me to join the nations' largest university sponsored America Reads &America Counts group, NYU provides me a perfect opportunity to get involved with a culturally diverse population. I look forward to finding the right business team and synergizing with them to create startup companies at the Stern Entrepreneurial Exchange Group. Most importantly, I want to help others in the community through my startups.

I plan to pass on my torch of business knowledge to the communities that I will belong. This year, I have created my own Entrepreneurship Club at school in order to unify my passion for business and for bettering others by teaching students how to build their own start-ups. Now as walk this path to business, I plan to give back to the community. All my experiences, combined with my passion for business, will help me grow as a student at NYU.
Dslash   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / I am a curious, determined Brazilian Jew and I still feel the urge to "be more". [3]

Some suggestions:
-since you want to know about other cultures, can you think of a moment which prompted this? Maybe like "After my first trip to Israel to track my roots, I have yearned to learn about not only my own culture, but the cultures of others."

-what SPECIFICALLY about BU's campus? List a couple of buildings you may use/ what for?
-Any interests that coincide SPECIFIC clubs? Maybe like: "Through my passion for volunteering, I plan to join the numerous soup kitchens at BU just like I have done throughout my high school career."

Overall, be less general, add more specifics about academics( what are you interested in/ major?) All I see is a lot of fluff about how BU is diverse and has good academics. Good start, but SPEFICALLY any programs? I know its 250 words but add a little more and see how it goes.

Best of luck, and can you check out my essay on Cornell?
Dslash   
Dec 29, 2014
Undergraduate / "Sunday's donuts" - My dad's fight propelled my ambitions [5]

Some help I can give you:

-which aimed to increase local support

"However, during the first shift I had worked, I had become so immersed by the work the physicians, nurses, and patients were having me do that I didn't even bother to let myself reflect back to the memories I believed had scarred me." - maybe you can elaborate on one specific event that made you reflect? This is a little too general. Maybe something like" I became equally preoccupied as the surgeons speeding through the hallways. I realized that my mind was too focused on taking other patient's blood pressures and filling our nurse's forms to let myself reflect back on the memories I believed had scarred me." and then combine the next sentence together by saying that despite your early traumatic experiences, "it was the ultimate confirmation that nothing could hold be back from the health field."

Overall, an amazing common app story. The previous line was just a suggestion as I though you can shorten that paragraph just a little more. However, I see nothing else wrong with your common app essay!

Can you also take a look at my Cornell essay by chance?
Dslash   
Dec 29, 2014
Undergraduate / Anticipated major: Applied Economics and Management (entrepreneurship concentration) - LEGOS essay [7]

Cornell prompt: How have your interests and related experiences influenced the major you have selected in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences? (Please limit your response to 650 words.)- Cornell

My Primary Choice College/School:Agriculture and Life Sciences

Anticipated major: Applied Economics and Management(entrepreneurship concentration)

NOTES: Unfortunately, I don't think its unique enough/ too much tell, not much show. Ending could use a bit help. Can anyone help me with my grammer/ word choice as well as edit/ add/ delete anything that seems wrong/ could be better? I didn't want to really name many programs at Cornell business school and how they will help me because it is not part of the prompt. All I did was tell the story of my experiences in business, and why it powered my passion for entrepreneurship, and then wrap it up with saying "Oh how much I love Cornell and what I might do there/ why I would fit" in like a couple sentences. I also wanted to make my identity online confidential.

My interest in applied economics and management, specifically entrepreneurship, started when I was in third grade. I rounded up kids in my neighborhood to create a lemonade stand to raise money for our "toy fund." In middle school, I negotiated with Yu-Gi-Oh card dealers at my local gaming store to sell to the students. When I entered high school, I took my interest in entrepreneurship to a whole new level by creating my own business.

"Borderline obsessive" would be my description for my passion for collecting Legos. Through my hundreds of hours scrolling through online Lego databases and retailers, my ability to recognize any Lego set's manufacturing year, price, and theme on the back of my hand is one of my proudest quirks. After amassing a Lego collection that spread across the basement floor, I had a desire to showcase my work online. With a click of a button, my first YouTube channel was created.

After watching a few Lego videos on YouTube, I was inspired to create videos of my at-the-time meagre Lego collection in order to gain some attention. I realized that for many YouTube Lego fans, it was not the videos about Lego sets that were the most interesting, but the Lego minifigure collections. These minifigures, less than an inch in size, were quite costly and sought after. Sensing an opportunity, I decided to dedicate my freshman year building a business by selling Lego minifigures.

It was at this point that my YouTube channel was not doing so well. After struggling for the first three months due to a lack of video views, I realized that I had to come up with a fresh idea. I put in extra effort by meticulously painting custom Star Wars minifigures to sell and review online. Although painting each minifigure was painstaking work, I was able to gain subscribers and revenue by reviewing each minifigure, and then immediately selling them above their usual price. This process would be the beginning of my prospective career on YouTube.

My interest in business soon matured after my initial success with my custom minifigures. At thirteen, I had no job, and I was ecstatic about my first profit. Realizing that this was what made me tick, I endeavored to increase my video views and sales. Using my negotiating skills, I purchased bulk minifigures far below market price from international distributers on Bricklink and other sites. Working with other YouTube entrepreneurs, my videos on custom minifigures and collections attracted thousands of subscribers and millions of viewers. I have since gained skills regarding setting up a small business and found monetary success over the last four years. What had started out as a summer project has become my pride and passion.

Because of my experiences, I am fascinated by entrepreneurship. Finding business opportunities and ways to tackle problems excites me. My Legos have provided me with the building blocks to my future, developing my business skills and ability to create networks. However, I plan to pass on my torch of business knowledge to the communities that I will belong. This year, I have created my own Entrepreneurship Club at school in order to unify my passion for business and for bettering others by teaching students how to build their own start-ups. Now as walk this path to business, I plan to give back to the community.

At Dyson, the AEM program would provide me an opportunity and environment to pursue my greatest interest. Dyson's AEM program meets everything I have been looking for, such as classes on pre-startup skills to management theory, which would allow me to garner the skills necessary to create and manage a company successfully. I would also be able to work on my start-up while continuing my education. My competitive edge would be stimulated with competitions like the Cornell Venture Challenge and the Big Idea challenge. I look forward to finding the right business team synergizing with them by combining our skills and creating startup companies at the Cornell Entrepreneur Organization. All my experiences, combined with my passion for business, will help me grow as a student at Cornell.
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