Posts by veaenia

veaenia

Aug 4, 2015

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the process of water cycle. IELTS Task 1 [4]

Hello, everyone! Please give me feedbacks to improve my essay
Thank you

The diagram below shows how rainwater is reused.

A breakdown of the process of water cycle is represented in the diagram. Although this consists of three different stages to complete the cycle, this only requires simple steps.

First, the household wastewater having been used is sent to the wastewater treatment plant to purify the sewage. After the water is cleaned, it is carried to the river. There is also water recycled in the tank so as that it can be used again for household needs.

A closer look at the clouds, when the rain falls, the rainwater is immediately collected in the rainwater tank. This tank saves the water for gardening purpose. The rest of uncollected water falls into the drainage system as storm-water, and then it is directly carried into the stream via drain.

The dam is useful to store the rainwater as a reservoir. In this case, this area experiences drought. Following that, the water from the dam is supplied to the water treatment plant. Before being distributed to the houses, this water is treated to produce drinking water for human consumption.

water_cycle.jpg

veaenia

Aug 4, 2015

Writing Feedback / Children learn language more easily if they start early in life. [3]

Hello, Hang!
I want to help you improve your essay

It is general knowledge that entering this ever-changing modern world demands new-comers enormous preparations, including the linguistic basis for future communication in workplace. It is also the rationale behind the parents' tendency to send children to language centre for the mastery of language at early age. From my perspectives, children's early exposure to English is of great benefits on account of its easier acquisition and hence, solid academic foundation.

In my opinion, your introduction is already good, but why did you mention "English"? I think the prompt is not talking about English, but any foreign languages.

Let me give it a try;
Learning more than one language requires an immense effort. As such, most people believe that the children should begin their language education, since their early ages due to the golden age. Still, some others argue that learning other languages has several drawbacks for the preschoolers: endangered vernacular language and cultural discrepancies. Therefore, I would claim that the parents should render their children other language skills, since the preschool period.

First and foremost, giving education of English to children at early age possibly enables them to acquire a different language as easily and naturally as their mother tongue. [...]
Aside from the indisputable benefits of the early acquisition of English, it is, however, worthy of serious consideration about the appropriate and effective teaching method. It is advisable that parents not place too much pressure on children to become a genius or a master of English at first place, given its worst case of eradicating the initial interest and inspiration found in the language. Instead, parents should make a great endeavor to create interactive learning conditions, including frequent communication with native speakers or the installment of English learning aids and so forth.

I would suggest that the body paragraph should contain the negative effects for the children. Next time, when you open a new paragraph, try to leave a space, since it makes easier to read.

This is my example for the body paragraphs;
There is a common belief that early age language education leads to negative effects for the toddlers. Firstly, if pre-school children learn more than one language, then they are more likely to experience native language loss because they are accustomed to speak in other languages. Also, local culture tends to be degraded. For example, Japanese children studying double languages have a cultural confusion since they will gain taste of foreign cultures.

Apart from this demerit, It is important that parents should send their children to a foreign language class so as to improve language acquisition. A 2001 Harvard University study reveals that the 1980 toddlers living in Amsterdam were the best in studying new languages, since they were in the golden age, between 4 and 5 years old. This is because adolescences talking typically use only about a fifth of their brain, while the brain's neural networks operate at full capacity in the golden age. By following this, there are an ample number of foreign language courses considered as a great medium for children to learn language. As a result, this early age education helps children to widen their vocabularies in use and prepares them to be advanced foreign language users in the future.

In the final analysis, it is clear that learning English at early age provides young learners with enormous benefits. Not only does it enable children to easily acquire English by instinct but it also forms the basis for children's future development. Also, it is suggested that people take my proposal of an ideal teaching method into consideration so as to have the most effective strategy of teaching children English.

Your conclusion also needs a slight improvement. Here's mine;
The aforementioned evidence shows that the pre-school children can achieve excellent competences in several different languages, if they are exposed to the language education from the early life period. The golden age provides the best brain condition so as that it is much easier for the preschoolers to memorize new vocabularies and to prepare to be proficient language speakers. Where possible, in the early ages, the children should be encouraged to obtain foreign languages.

Hope this can help you! - Vania Herlambang

veaenia

Aug 3, 2015

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The population of fishers and exported fish in the world [4]

Hello guys, please help me with this essay!
Thank you

The chart and table show the number of fishers in millions for different regions between 1970, 1980, and 2000, and the world's top ten exporters of fish in 2000.

A comparison of the number of people who make a living by fishing in Asia, Africa, South America, North America, and Europe from 1970 to 2000, a 3-decade period measured in millions of people is illustrated in the bar chart. The table shows the main fish producer from 10 different countries in the world.

Overall, it is immediately apparent that in thirty years the population of fishers increased in all regions, but a reverse were experienced by South America and Africa. In this case, Asian countries witnessed the highest rise from all and dominated the half of world fish market in 2000.

In 1970, the highest number of world fishermen was living in Asia, and the figure shows a significant rise, from 9 millions to 24 millions within 30 years. Standing at just under 1.3 millions, Africa came second position in the population of the fish catchers. There was a dramatic rise in the number of fishers in Africa, 0.7 millions in three decades. Likewise, the graph for North America also went up significantly to 1.2 million people in the question period. The data of South American fishers remained virtually unchanged, about 1.2 millions. There was a fluctuation in the total fishers in Europe, with the least number from all, but then the 2000 figure recovered to that of 1970.

A closer look at the table shows that the first position of top ten fish exporters in 2000 was settled by Thailand. Following this, Norway and USA broke a record as the second and third place respectively. While Indonesia and South Korea contributed the least number of fish in the world, the figures for China and Taiwan hovered at 4th and 7th rank, above those of Indonesia and South Korea.

fish.jpg

veaenia

Aug 3, 2015

Writing Feedback / 'high quality academic programs' - What is the reason of studying in the boarding school? IELTS [3]

Hello, Dieu Anh!
I want to give some suggestion, hope this can help

The number of boarding students now is on the increase. Although the fee is more expansive than it in the public school, many people now choose this type of school for their children because of several reasons such as adequate facilities for learning and relaxing, small classroom, special attention in each individual.

I think this introduction is already good, since it has brief examples. However, you should give the opposite statement about the issue. This is my example for the introduction;

The existence of boarding school is becoming a controversial issue. The main cause of the significant increase in the enthusiasts of this institution is the belief provides a better education. Most parents believe that their children will be well-educated due to the excellent facilities and the intensive learning method. On the other hand, some others say that such a school has several drawbacks: the expensive cost and the loss of freedom. Therefore, I would suggest that a boarding school cannot render the best education for the pupils.

In conclusion, this positive trend will develop and become more popular in all over the world. It creates a new page of services and quality in education.

Also your conclusion has to restate your previous opinions and a recommendation. Let me give a try;
To sum up, this is apparent that there are some disadvantages in attending a boarding school. This school costs a large amount of money, which is not really worth. The students will also experience such a depression in their study, as they cannot have their normal and free life. Where possible, the parents should send their children to the day school.

Well, good luck in your study! - Vania Herlambang

veaenia

Aug 3, 2015

Writing Feedback / Many people think that emigrating from homeland could bring various benefits [3]

Hello, Alan!
I want to give some suggestion about your essay

Nowadays people tend to travel around the world more frequently either for study or settlement. However, there are many benefits and drawbacks for such development.

Your introduction is good. however, it isn't brief enough to emphasize your thought. Here is my example for this introduction;
Study and working in different countries are growing trend in current society. As such, most people argue that this is beneficial, since going overseas can widen the diversity of the visited area, develop the financial for both countries, and broaden people's knowledge. However, It is believed that moving abroad brings several drawbacks for the newcomers because they will experience language and cultural barriers. Therefore, I would suggest that going abroad is the best idea to obtain an excellent education and career.

To sum up, in the world we live in today's, public movements around the globe become more and more, to live and study in a new country, a range of advantages and disadvantages could be produced due to such movement

Also your conclusion has to restate your previous opinions and a recommendation. Let me give a try;
To conclude, this is apparent that an ideal future can be achieved by immigrating to other countries. While these immigrants diverse the country, since they give new colors to the culture, this helps the native and dwelled countries to improve the economic stability. Likewise, people can acquire an immense knowledge because they are exposed to the whole new customs and characters. Where possible, the advantages of immigration can be seized by the school and work seekers.

Hope this can help, thank you! - Vania Herlambang

veaenia

Aug 3, 2015

Writing Feedback / University education is the only way to success. Agree or disagree. [5]

Hello Ron Weasley
I want to give some suggestion about your essay

In a few decades ago, a graduate from university could gain a high rate to get a good job. However, many students now consider universities enrollment might no longer the best choice for their career. Therefore, students should start working after a course and accrue the work experience.

This introduction is good enough, but i think it needs a notable improvement. Let me give a try;
A successful person is identical with a degree. As such, some people are convinced that attending a university is the only way to achieve an excellent career, since students can gain better skills related to their future job. This is in stark contrast to others who argue that since a university merely provides fundamental theories, this study place is less likely to be suitable with people looking for job. Therefore, I would claim that the university still stands out because such a place brings some benefits: managerial and social skills.

In conclusion, although studying at university is a good opportunities to get knowledge, students are now more likely to join in the real work environment. It seems to be a good way for students to ensure their future.

Also your conclusion has to include a recommendation. Here is my conclusion;
The aforementioned evidence reveals that the university leads to a better future with a superior career path. Students are taught how to manage their time well in a hectic schedule. They also learn to work in a team so as to encourage their social behavior. It is imperative that students should earn a degree to gain a successful life.

Hope this can help, good luck for you! - Vania Herlambang

veaenia

Jul 12, 2015

Writing Feedback / Newcomers Dealing with The New Place [4]

Thanks a lot Ahmad, Shinta, and Mr. Eddy because i found that your advise are very helpful :)
Hopefully afterward, i can make a much better writting

veaenia

Jul 11, 2015

Writing Feedback / Newcomers Dealing with The New Place [4]

Every places in this world has its own unique culture attracting tourists to visit it, but this cultural difference somehow becomes a big deal for new citizens moving to another region. In the following essay, I will give some sugestions what should the newcomers do to get used to an all new situation.

One of the common problems, even the biggest, is language being the only way in people communicate. It is the first thing that have to be mastered by newbies so that they can survive in their area, afterward they can continue studying other of its habits easily. Sometimes, there are dictionaries avalaible to provide new vocabularies, or the local residents could be asked to teach some sentences generally used.

The special cases, what should be done or even prohibited, must be taken into account by these newcomers. This may seem unimportant and trivial, but this little things certainly would bring conflicts if people don't have any idea about it. After browsing the internet, asking inhabitants is the right way to collect this kind of information.

Annual events is the third thing which is pretty important to be known. People can learn more about the culture from some events, moreover this is the place where people can mingle and know each other.

Thus, people moving to a new area can deal with the way people do things there by following those steps been mentioned before. It is better to have some knowledge before coming from books or internet, but field observation is the most effective way to learn the new culture.