Writing Feedback / The Effects of Technology for Working [5]

Dear pokpok16.
In your first sentence, there will be a misinterpretation for the readers due to your punctuation.
In this era (YOU SHOULD PUT COMMA HERE) technology so espouse (...) and mobile phone, and many other. ETC


for the third paragraph, it would be better if you change your pattern into this one. Technology has some merits in the terms of workplaces. firstly..... Secondly... Thirdly.. and Conclusion.

Writing Feedback / A growing number of people believe that money is an intrinsic factor to be happy [2]

Dear rosadesiana.
well, i see that your essay is well-organized despite some attention you should put on the grammatical errors. Now, I just wanna focus on your introduction. It seems to me that your introduction is not really strong and less of one question that should be added in the introduction. That is your opinion. In the prompt, you are asked regarding your idea, then you should put it in your introduction. This is one example of it.

People have different views related to the economic factor that is the only way to make them happy as opposed to the other factors. While the financial success cannot be denied as one of the strongest items to be happy person, i believe that many valuable aspects in life cannot be determined by how much money in your pocket.

Writing Feedback / The number of people from abroad (unit in million) who came to some countries, during 15 years [2]

FIRST OF ALL, PLEASE INCLUDE THE PICTURE OF THIS GRAPH.

A BREAKDOWN OF THE FIGURE FOR INTERNATIONAL HOLIDAY MAKERS COMING TO FIVE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES FROM 1995 TO 2010, AS A PROJECTED YEAR, A 15-YEAR PERIOD IS REVEALED IN THE LINE GRAPH.

THE NUMBER OF TOURISTS COMING TO EGYPT STOOD THE SAME AS BRAZIL AT APPROXIMATELY 10 MILLIONS IN THE FIRST PERIOD.