Posts by Kisakina

Kisakina

Dec 31, 2015

Undergraduate / Columbia Engineering Essay: Jazz band was the last class I expected to use mathematics... [7]

Thank you vangiespen for noticing that...whoa, that could've hurt me big time.

Jazz band was the last class I expected to use mathematics.
So, when I saw numbers on the music theory worksheet-a list of pentatonic scales in numbered musical notations-I was surprised. I only understood music as an art, to be mastered with practice and intuition; it never occurred to me to approach music from an analytical perspective.

I tried to make sense of the seemingly random sequences of numbers and symbols, but with little success. Being both a curious mathematician and an uncompromising musician, I was determined to decipher the numerical code to uncover what secrets to music it may behold.

I soon realized that the numbers were used to restore order to the chaotic universe of jazz. Every musical element had a numerical counterpart; chords can be described with ratios, musical scales can be expressed with permutations, and melodies can be identified with set theory. As I made more connections between mathematics and music, I started to notice that I heard music differently; I recognized that the upright bass walked in algorithmic patterns and that the tenor saxophone responded by playing harmonic melodies. I was thrilled by the epiphany; I was learning a completely different way to understand music.

All of a sudden, new possibilities began to emerge. If music can be modeled mathematically, can computers recognize good music, conduct an orchestra, or compose a masterpiece? I then discovered that these fascinating questions can be answered in the world of musical analysis and engineering through technology such as algorithmic composition and musical interactivity. I want to explore these realms and advance them, finding new ways to connect music with numbers, figures, equations, and computations.

Would this be better? I feel like the conclusion seems kind of "tacked on"...

Kisakina

Dec 30, 2015

Undergraduate / Columbia Engineering Essay: Jazz band was the last class I expected to use mathematics... [7]

Please be critical and edit my grammatical problems; any help would be appreciated! Thank you~!

Kisakina

Dec 30, 2015

Undergraduate / Extracurricular college essay about soccer-SHORT (150 words max) [3]

Whoa. That was pretty creative. Not only is your idea unique, but you also implemented vivid imagery that the readers can imagine what you and your shoe have gone through. My only piece of advice (that you may choose to ignore, since you're probably better than me at writing) is that you didn't mention about the impact of your extracurricular activity. How did soccer change you? What did you learn from these experiences? It wouldn't hurt to delete some of your vibrant imagery and add a sentence describing its influence to you.

But overall, that was pretty darn good. Good job.

Kisakina

Dec 30, 2015

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon is well rounded. CMU essay any edits/input welcome! [3]

I'm also applying to CMU too, so I guess good luck? Eheheh. I'm not too strong a writer, so keep in mind these are merely suggestions, so you can take it or leave it.

Anyways, minor things about your essay I've noticed:
I don't think you want the AOs to believe you're a "naïve, uneducated child" from the get-go. I understand what you're trying there, but I don't think it has the desired effect. Either change the diction or you can use an alternative opening. One idea is to start your essay with a quote that your alumni said (e.g. "At Carnegie Mellon, you can be both an artist and an entrepreneur." I did not know what the former alumni and friend meant when he/she said those words. But a little research proved me that the university was the school for me...") Okay, that was a bad example, but still, you get the point. You can use a stronger opening. :D

The entire section leading up to the rhetorical question isn't too effective, since you use a vague example ("people are stereotyped as well..."). Instead, you can relate this to a specific example. What times have you experienced this stereotype? Perhaps your friends thought you were going to be an applied mathematics major when you took AP Calculus BC? Maybe your peers assumed that you were going to pursue literature just because you got an A on the English test? I also think CMU's strong point is in its versatility, and I think it's great you touch on it; just make it personal, since it's a "personal statement".

I'd recommend deleting "I don't, however, love writing essays."-I know you're trying to add a little humor there, but I don't think you want to risk the readers to take those words seriously. If you want to keep that little joke, you can instead write something along the lines of "While I may not want to spend the rest of my life writing AP Language essays or memorizing the periodic table..., I do love all of my academic subjects wholeheartedly."

The 3rd paragraph is excellent! I love the personal anecdote. Really minor, but "Mother" and "Dad" probably should be lowercase and also be either "mother/father" or "mom/dad", unless you really do refer them in that unconventional way. This is also just personal preference, but you can also put the personal anecdote at the first paragraph instead to catch the reader's attention, and then elaborate how "this opportunity would shape what I wanted to do for the rest of my life" and connect it to CMU.

Your box analogy is also unique, and I love it. You can even choose to expand upon it throughout other parts of the essay. I think the conclusion is better without the final quote; the second-to-last sentence works fine, unless you choose to do something creative with your box.

Finally, check for grammar, especially verb confusion; some parts make it hard for the reader to follow.
Whoa, that was a longer response than I expected. Hopefully this helps you...hopefully...

Kisakina

Dec 30, 2015

Undergraduate / This essay matters to me. After all, it's for Stanford, the sanctuary for intellects [10]

Thank you for your help!

Kisakina

Dec 29, 2015

Undergraduate / Helping hand in translating - Common App essay. Does this all work together? [9]

Which prompt did you choose for the Common App? I'm assuming the last one: "Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family." Please correct me if I'm wrong~

You do talk about Kartar Singh Sarabha as a deeply influential person in your life. Although I understand how he is important to you, I think you should cut down those parts a little, since this is a "personal statement"--the readers want to know who you are, not who Kartar Singh Sarabha is. Just briefly mentioning him should have the desired effect.

You also talk about losses in your life; this can be a powerful topic. You say "This phase of my life has taught me so much," but this statement can be further strengthened by giving specific events rather than a process. What specific event changed how you viewed life? If you're uncomfortable talking about this topic, I think it's better to leave it out. If not, I recommend you give detail so that the readers can understand how much the tragedy impacted you.

The new student from India is such a great topic! I think you can use this topic and try to connect it more with your own life as well; you focused on what you did and not enough on how that impacted you.

I believe you do have strong stories to tell, but I think you're trying to put too much into a single essay. After all, it's only 650 words; I don't think you can cram an entire life in those constraints. Your essay has a lot of good stories, but I think it would be stronger if you chose just one or two, and focused your entire essay on that single event and how it changed you. What event matters to you the most?

Hope this helps...

Kisakina

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / Common App (Background): "I finally woke up after hitting the snooze button..." [5]

It's on the top of the page:

Common app:Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

That's the entire prompt.

Kisakina

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / Common App (Background): "I finally woke up after hitting the snooze button..." [5]

Any help is appreciated!

Common app: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I finally woke up after hitting the snooze button for the third time, groggily walked to the dresser, grabbed random pieces of clothing, dressed rather haphazardly, and slumped down at the kitchen table as I mindlessly shoved toast into my half-open mouth. My pace quickened as I checked the clock; I brushed my teeth, tossed the homework into my backpack, packed lunch, hollered "Ikuyo!"-"let's go!"-to my sister, and raced to the car. It was the typical Saturday morning routine; as I let out a sigh of relief, the car began on its usual journey.

The rhythmic hum of the engine tickled my ears as I gazed out of the car window, the scenery changing from the familiar neighborhood to the suburban setting and veered into the highway. The sky painted its dark blue canvas into a soft red, the side mirror deflecting its vibrant rays. I felt nothing special, though; after all, I watched the same sunrise from the same car window on my way to Hoshuko-San Francisco Japanese School-every Saturday for 11 years.

I thought briefly about today's kanji test, traced the Japanese characters on the window with my finger, paused for a moment, and yawned. As I continued to stare out the car window, my consciousness slipped back to yesterday. My friend had asked me if I wanted to come over for a Friday night party- while I was tempted to say yes, I forced myself to smile and politely declined his offer. I often wondered how many times I made sacrifices for this car trip. It wasn't just precious time with friends I had to give up; I wanted to participate more in school events, sports, and extracurriculars. At the end, though, I never regretted making the choice to ride the car every Saturday morning.

I looked back at the many memories I created over the years of Hoshuko: My classmates, who sacrificed the precious Saturdays with me and how I realized how much I loved them when some of my best friends quit Hoshuko and bade farewell; my teachers, who made efforts to create the best environment for me to learn, which inspired me to try my best even at the worst of times; the cultural festival, in which I always ended up memorizing the script the night before the play, striving for that shared moment of exhilarating satisfaction with my class; and finally, the school trip to Japan, a volunteering mission for the Tohoku earthquake and tsunami, where I truly realized my role in the world as a Japanese who lives in the United States. Hoshuko had given me these invaluable experiences that shaped my identity, developing not only my Japanese skills but also as a person as well. It was more than just a school for me, after all; Hoshuko was a warm community where I was able to realize my other self, the Japanese part of me that eagerly looks forward to the next Saturday.

As the nostalgic images gradually faded away from my consciousness, I watched the other cars speeding down the highway, the passengers perhaps wanting to tell their own stories. I closed my eyes but kept my ears open, listening to them.

Any help is appreciated! Please be critical!
This is 532 words, by the way. Perhaps I can add more?

Kisakina

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / Battling the stigma and stereotype attached to short heights - identity, background, interest essay. [3]

I agree with megan998555; your essay does have a lot of personality, so great job on that part!
Considering you've accomplished such great things, I think the readers can get a deeper insight about who you are by focusing on a single experience instead. This is just an example, but if you want to focus on your first year of senior school, you can describe what you did to get recognition from your peers, what your challenges were, and how the experience changed you. That'll make it more unique.

I love the metaphor with the tree. If I were you, I would write that the tree is still growing (which would indicate that you'll experience so much more in the next four years in a university), but that's just personal preference.

Good luck with your essay~!

Kisakina

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / Arch-nemesis essay: Stage Fright. Undergrad UChicago Supplement [2]

Ooh, a musician. I love the you connections made in the essay, they make it unique :D

A few things I've noticed.
I understand what you're trying to do here, with the repeated "it"s, but as a reader, I have to keep reminding myself what "it" is. I suggest you use "it" sparingly--if you use it too much, then the reader will just lose focus. The same goes for the upper and lower-case gimmicks. They're nice at some parts, but I feel like you rely on them more than you should; I don't think you want the admission officers to guess what you're trying to do. I'd prefer to read something more explicit at some parts, because "it" makes the essay confusing. Also, there are a few undefined pronouns amongst of them; (e.g. "They said that as time passes...", who's the "they"?). I suggest you reconsider the pronouns (but you don't have to delete "it" entirely--I like your ideas)

Some places are too wordy. For example, instead of
"Sometimes I wonder, if perhaps, It is me. Perhaps, I am both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Perhaps, I am my own arch-nemesis; my own foil; my own contradiction. But then, with time, I soon came to realize, that in fact, It is me."

You can just say
"I soon realized that I am both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde--I was my own arch-nemesis, my own foil, my own contradiction."
They're precious word counts; you should make them count! :D

And finally, look for grammar errors; I've noticed verb confusion at some parts, disrupting the natural flow of the essay.

Good luck!

Kisakina

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / Stanford, intellectual vitality prompt: "The steady walk of the upright bass..." [3]

Thanks for the help!

Any other suggestions? Any comments would be appreciated :D

Kisakina

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / This essay matters to me. After all, it's for Stanford, the sanctuary for intellects [10]

Thanks for the review!
I tried to work with the opening, but I didn't understand what you meant by "laying the foundation for discussion". Can you elaborate?

I'm also worried that my conclusion is a bit weak. Any suggestions?

The world was ending soon.

Apocalypse seemed inevitable as December 2012 approached ever closer. As a gullible teenager, I was fully convinced of the Mayan prophecy, my mind flashing back to the horrific scenes of massive earthquakes and tsunamis from the Hollywood movie. And yet, even in the midst of the despair, I persevered to find hope within myself; faced with the imminent catastrophe, I began to find virtue in gratitude, realizing that my life was full of blessings and that I was taking these miracles for granted.

I had a loving family, a stable Wi-Fi connection, access to clean water, an upright piano, friends I could trust, a complete set of Calvin and Hobbes, days of sunshine, Youtube, a warm bed with a teddy bear, and much, much more.I was astonished by the abundance of treasures I had overlooked. I soon became grateful for everything that was given to me; I felt at ease, knowing that I had lived a fulfilling life. I resolved to appreciate the precious days on Earth by living them to the fullest so I that can die with no regrets.

While I was lucky enough to survive the near-death experience, my resolve still remains true.My life is filled with opportunities and I sought to recognize them; because every day was a blessing, I learned to seize the gift by working hard in order to make them count. I admit that embracing this virtue can be difficult sometimes, especially in times of bitter failure. But I persist to express gratitude in my life, because it reminds me that I already have enough to be happy.

Kisakina

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / This essay matters to me. After all, it's for Stanford, the sanctuary for intellects [10]

Thank you vangiespen!
I went back to the drawing board and came up with this idea. Would you mind proofreading?

The world was ending soon.
December 2012 was fast approaching; I tried to laugh off the Mayan myth, but deep down, I was scared. I still wanted to accomplish so much more in my life-I was too young to die. But time was running out; as certain death loomed closer each day, instead of grieving what I lacked in my life (maybe this clause can be moved to somewhere else?) , I decided to cherish what I already have.

Faced with the imminent apocalypse, I realized I was taking miracles for granted; I had a loving family, a stable Wi-Fi connection, access to clean water, friends I could trust, a complete set of Calvin and Hobbes, days of sunshine, a warm bed with a teddy bear, and much, much more. I was grateful for everything that was given to me; I felt at ease, knowing that I had lived a fulfilling life. I resolved to appreciate my final days on Earth by living them to the fullest so I that can die with no regrets.

While I was lucky enough to survive the near-death experience, my resolve(resolution?) remains true to this day (awkward phrasing?) ; acknowledging that my life is blessed with many opportunities, I learned to seize the gift by working hard every day. I admit that embracing gratitude can be difficult sometimes, especially in times of bitter failure. But I persist to express gratitude in my life, because it reminds me that I already have enough to be happy. (weak conclusion?)

I hope this answer gives more insight to my personality; but I am unsure. Does this work?

Kisakina

Dec 27, 2015

Undergraduate / Stanford, intellectual vitality prompt: "The steady walk of the upright bass..." [3]

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (250 word limit)

The steady walk of the upright bass, the syncopated beat of the snare drum, and the juicy melody of the tenor saxophone. So this was jazz-a music style not bound by the notes on the sheet music, which gave curious musicians the freedom to explore an infinite number of ways to perform a single song. It was my very first session as a member of the jazz band; I felt myself shudder in excitement as I clumsily struck the last few chords on the piano, eager to learn the art.

I figured much later that because every note is played on the spot, jazz is mastered neither by learning music theory nor by practicing the blues scales, but simply by listening. It took me months of practice to perfect this craft; eventually, I got used to adjusting to different rhythms and started responding to new melodies. No longer playing awkward notes, I was surprised as the music started to become more like-jazz.

Listening thus became an integral part of my life, even in nonmusical situations. I found myself listening carefully for the slightest details everywhere, recognizing the distinct rhythms during calculus lectures, Socratic seminars, and casual conversations. I now knew how to respond to these melodies; I spoke in vivid language, shouting to my heart's content with my solos in the guise of dialogue-but kept my ears open in order to listen for what the others have to say.

I may not have answered the prompt correctly. I'm also worried about grammar...any help is appreciated!

Kisakina

Dec 27, 2015

Scholarship / I am applying for Global Undergraduate Exchange Program. This is my essay. [2]

hoang2101, I'm not good at writing, but here are the things I've noticed:

1. Check for grammar. I've noticed a few: "~~Human is~~ "→"Humans are", ~~"one thousands children"~~ →"1000 children"
2. Break your essay into paragraphs; they're easier to read. I found a distinct break at "Understanding that, in the past two years...", which you can use to change paragraphs.

3. I love your ideas in the essay--I can feel your passion to change the world. But I feel like the essay focuses too much on the background, especially on the earlier parts of the essay. You can just briefly mention the challenges the world faces today, and instead focus on what you can do to change that. The essay's not just about the world, it's about you.

Kisakina

Dec 27, 2015

Graduate / Here is my essay for Carey Business school of John Hopkins. I need your advices. [5]

I'm just an undergraduate, so please note that my advice may be unnecessary or even inaccurate.

I admire your writing skills, by the way. Whoa. I wish I had such a straightforward style of writing. Envious.
Anyways, I had the impression that you give a bit too much background? I think the 2nd~4th paragraph can be shortened a little. You can use the word count to answer the prompt more explicitly.

In the conclusion, you mentioned what you accomplished as a leader (e.g. democratic and cooperative environment, ranking top 20 out of 200). Perhaps you can add what you learned from creating the opportunity. After all, you did mention how you faced challenges during the competition; surely you must have learned something from the experience. You briefly mentioned it in the earlier paragraphs implicitly, but I think it would be nice if you can restate it at the end.

This is also just personal preference, but I believe the second-to-last paragraph ("Moreover, one team member...") doesn't add too much to the essay. Just focusing on a single topic (the team member, Ying) should be enough, as long as you give it depth.

Kisakina

Dec 26, 2015

Undergraduate / Columbia Engineering Essay: Jazz band was the last class I expected to use mathematics... [7]

For applicants to The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Member Questions section. (300 words or less)

Jazz band was the last class I expected to use mathematics.
So, when I saw numbers on the music theory worksheet-a list of pentatonic scales in numbered musical notations-I was surprised. Numbers? In jazz? It never occurred to me to approach music from an analytical perspective; I only understood music as an art, to be mastered with practice and intuition. I tried to make sense of the seemingly random sequences of numbers and symbols, but with little success. Being both the curious mathematician and the uncompromising musician, I was determined to decipher the numerical code to uncover what secrets to music it may behold.

I eventually discovered that the numbers were used to restore order to the chaotic universe of jazz. Every musical element had a numerical counterpart; chords can be described with ratios, musical scales can be expressed with permutations, and melodies can be identified with set theory. I was thrilled; I was learning a completely different way to perceive music. I eventually found myself interested in the world of musical analysis and engineering, exploring new possibilities to connect music with numbers, figures, and computations.

The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science empowers me to pursue this interest, providing both the depth of the finest scientific education and the breadth of the extensive Core Curriculum-which happens to include a wealth of music courses in the Department of Music. I can also take full advantage of the abundant research opportunities in order to investigate contemporary topics, such as algorithmic composition and musical interactivity, at the Computer Music Center. I do not wish to be bound to a single passion or interest; only at Columbia Engineering I can become the computer engineer and the artistic musician-and maybe even more.

Did I emphasize too much on my personal experience and not enough about the school?
I'm also worried about grammar here...so any help is appreciated!

Kisakina

Dec 26, 2015

Undergraduate / Public relations in the music industry, entertainment leaders, work experience - Why Syracuse essay [11]

I believe you used the terms "aspiring publicist" twice and "attracted" twice, but that's just me being pesky. But it doesn't hurt to vary your word choice.

You cut back on the personal experience on your second draft, but then it makes it pretty generic. If I were you, I'd try to make small personal touches--i.e. what you expect to accomplish, what you can contribute to the school, etc.

Kisakina

Dec 26, 2015

Undergraduate / 'openness of the students' - My Why Northwestern Essay - Not sure if it's too generic? [4]

I do agree with tylersu; it seems a bit generic, especially at the beginning. I really like how you mentioned the "open" atmosphere at Northwestern; I suggest you expand on that, since that part makes your connection to Northwestern a personal one. How would you contribute to the "open" atmosphere?

Kisakina

Dec 24, 2015

Undergraduate / This essay matters to me. After all, it's for Stanford, the sanctuary for intellects [10]

Prompt: What matters to you, and why? (100 to 250 words)

This essay matters to me. After all, it's for Stanford, the sanctuary for intellects from all over the world; to enter this realm, I had to challenge myself to fashion a window for my thoughts, framing my values onto a mere 250 words. Recognizing the difficulty of such a task, I decided to spend a few weeks jotting down ideas on a piece of scratch paper before writing the actual essay.

This was a fresh experience for me; it forced me to closely examine and identify everything that mattered to me. As I continued this process, I started to notice the small aspects of my life that had significance in its own unique way: headphones I wear to school every day, a complete set of Calvin and Hobbes, a good-luck bracelet from a Japanese festival...I soon found myself excited at each rediscovery, the list expanding to a grand total of 183 items. But as I accumulated ideas, I began to wonder if the essay meant more to me than a potential ticket to my dream school.

I then realized how important the very experience of writing down the list was. Through this process, I discovered that I valued self-reflection; the conscious act of giving meaning to each object was meaningful in and of itself. The essay was a valuable learning opportunity for me to stop and think about what I value in my life, to understand how I perceive myself through my mind's window.

Does this answer the prompt at all? Please help me edit! Thanks!