What do you want the readers of your application to know about you apart from courses, grades, and test scores? Choose the option that best helps you answer that question and write an essay of no more than 650 words, using the prompt to inspire and structure your response.
Helping Hand
One of my inspirations, Kartar Singh Sarabha, attended Berkeley in 1912. He encountered a lot racism because India was under British rule at the time. He dreamed of freeing India because he believed in peace and justice, and wanted Indians to be accepted at other nations. He moved back to India and fought for India's rights. He was hanged after revolting against British government. I was 12 when my parents told me about moving to US. I didn't want to leave my little world behind.I asked my parents to reconsider but of course they were pensive about our future. And they knew life a lot better than a 12 year old diva.
I hopped on the plane for the first time in my life. It was astonishing. When the plane landed, I saw this really gorgeous blonde girl and I turned over to my cousin and said, " Oh my god!! Look at her, she looks like a real life Barbie doll". I was soon forced out of my childhood because my parents didn't speak English and I only spoke very little English. Thanks to my amazing teachers and fellow students who made me feel accepted when I started school. My teachers helped me to enhance my English. I started loving school and worked really hard on my English at home. Soon I was told that I didn't need to take any ESL classes because I placed really high on the WASL(Washington Assessment of Student Learning) test. I was really overjoyed.Unfortunately, I encountered my worst fear of losing my loved ones. I lost 8 of my loved ones in 2015. All of these deaths were unforeseen and left me emotionally damaged. I felt adrift, numb, and sad. I sensed my stomach drop and anticipated nothing was wrong but later perceived that this was the new normal. This phase of my life has taught me so much. I had difficulty handling so many deaths. I started dealing with anxiety and depression. This really affected my school as my grades dropped. Though I still deal with anxiety attacks, I won against my depression. I am a lot stronger now than I was before.
I am so grateful for my teachers. I look up to them everyday. I was seeking for an opportunity to thank my teachers. A new student from India started school, and she didn't speak any English. I was asked if I wanted to help, and I took that opportunity with a smile. I showed the girl around our school, introduced her to teachers, and helped her in translating. I stayed after school to teach her English because I was in her spot just a few months ago. I helped her with everything, and soon she passed her English test and didn't have to take any ESL classes. I was so happy for her accomplishment. I realized that I loved helping others so I started volunteering at our local library where English classes are held for adults. I translated for the Punjabi and Hindi students. I was offered the position of an assistant teacher. I got to help many individuals grow, and do great things in life.
This was such a great experience for me. My family went through the hardship of not knowing English. Thanks to our amazing community for helping and encouraging my family to learn English.I can't thank Kartar Singh Sarabha enough for fighting for India's independence and helping Indians feel welcomed at foreign countries. I love giving back to my community because without them I wouldn't be where I am today. I plan on contributing my knowledge to fight against inequality in the world.
It would be more helpful to edit if you gave the prompt of the essay.
In the first paragraph you talk about Kartar Singh being one of your inspirations and then cut to talking about your first arrival to the US. it just seems like an abrupt shift of topic. Maybe try to transition that bit more smoothly.
The second paragraph seemed to be all over the place and seemed to lack focus jumping from one thing to the next and didn't seem to contribute much to the essay until the third paragraph. But the again I don't know what the essay is supposed to be, so could you post your prompt so i can better edit it?
What do you want the readers of your application to know about you apart from courses, grades, and test scores? Choose the option that best helps you answer that question and write an essay of no more than 650 words, using the prompt to inspire and structure your response.
okay, so the prompt is really vague lol
maybe try to go in deeper of how it was hard to adjust to life in the US from India rather than just saying how astonished you were about your new surroundings because that doesn't really add your list of experiences you gone through that makes you what you are today. maybe you can relate it to how you knew what it was like to come to entirely new surroundings so that's why you helped that new girl that just came to the US. you can bring that full circle to kartar singh, because of him you got this opportunity in america and are helping others like he did.
you might not want to go with this perspective but idk just a thought.
Yes thank you!! I just couldn't think where to put that Kartar part lol. Does that whole death part fit in? I had a really hard time with that
just something i caught "... And they knew life a lot better than a 12 year old diva...." you should restart this sentence without using "and" as your starting point because that seems like an informal way of writing an essay.
yes you can definitely incorporate your struggle with losing family members and overcoming that through the help of your teachers. with that and your difficult move to the US, you wanted to help others as well, leading to helping the new girl.
the prompt says "What do you want the readers of your application to know about you apart from courses, grades, and test scores" so maybe kind of point out why you wrote this and why it's important for the admissions office to know this tidbit about you. why does this enhance your overall application to being admitted to their university.
"I was seeking for an opportunity to thank my teachers"
this part seems like you only did the girl a favor just because you wanted to repay your teacher, which seems a little disingenuous and emotionally detached from the whole essay. make it because of your past similar experience with the new girl and the fact that your teachers helped you when in need, motivated you to do the kind favor.
I was 12 when my parents told me about moving to US. I didn't want to leave my little world behind.I asked my parents to reconsider but of course they were pensive about our future. They knew life a lot better than a 12 year old diva.
I hopped on the plane for the first time in my life. I felt uncomfortable, anxious, and nervous. I wasn't ready to move to a different world. When I arrived, I suffered from culture shock. I was soon forced out of my childhood because my parents didn't speak English and I barely spoke English. When I started school, my amazing teachers and fellow students made me feel accepted. My teachers helped me to enhance my English. I worked really hard on my English at home. Soon I was told that I didn't need to take any ESL classes because I placed really high on my English test. I was really overjoyed. One of my inspirations, Kartar Singh Sarabha, who attended Berkeley in 1912. He encountered a lot racism because India was under British rule at the time. He dreamed of freeing India because he believed in peace and justice, and wanted Indians to be accepted at other nations. He moved back to India and fought for India's rights. He was hanged after revolting against British government. My teachers and Kartar's dedication for their community inspired me to help others in need.
Unfortunately, I encountered my worst fear of losing my loved ones. I lost 8 of my loved ones in 2015. All of these deaths were unforeseen and left me emotionally damaged. I felt adrift, numb, and sad. I sensed my stomach drop and anticipated nothing was wrong but later perceived that this was the new normal. This phase of my life has taught me so much. I had difficulty handling so many deaths. I started dealing with anxiety and depression. This really affected my school as my grades dropped. My teachers and my peers helped me perceive that I have to be stronger. They assisted me as I got back on track. I realized that I really want to help others.
A new student from India started school, and she didn't speak any English. I was asked if I wanted to help, and I took that opportunity with a smile. I showed the girl around our school, introduced her to teachers, and helped her in translating. I stayed after school to teach her English because I was in her spot just a few months ago. I helped her with everything, and soon she passed her English test and didn't have to take any ESL classes. I was so happy for her accomplishment. I realized that I loved helping others so I started volunteering at our local library where English classes are held for adults. I translated for the Punjabi and Hindi students. I was offered the position of an assistant teacher. I got to help many individuals grow, and do great things in life.
This was such a great experience for me. My family went through the hardship of not knowing English. Thanks to my amazing community for helping and encouraging me. Without their help, I wouldn't be who I am today. I can't thank Kartar Singh Sarabha enough for fighting for India's independence and helping Indians feel welcomed at foreign countries.Though I still deal with anxiety attacks, I won against my depression. I am a lot stronger now than I was before. My grades have improved and I plan on earning all A's at university. I want admissions officers to know this tidbit about me because this experience has really changed my positively. I have come to realize that helping others genuinely makes me happy. I plan on contributing my knowledge to fight against inequality in the world to benefit others.
Here's the improved version. What do you think?
Which prompt did you choose for the Common App? I'm assuming the last one: "Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family." Please correct me if I'm wrong~
You do talk about Kartar Singh Sarabha as a deeply influential person in your life. Although I understand how he is important to you, I think you should cut down those parts a little, since this is a "personal statement"--the readers want to know who you are, not who Kartar Singh Sarabha is. Just briefly mentioning him should have the desired effect.
You also talk about losses in your life; this can be a powerful topic. You say "This phase of my life has taught me so much," but this statement can be further strengthened by giving specific events rather than a process. What specific event changed how you viewed life? If you're uncomfortable talking about this topic, I think it's better to leave it out. If not, I recommend you give detail so that the readers can understand how much the tragedy impacted you.
The new student from India is such a great topic! I think you can use this topic and try to connect it more with your own life as well; you focused on what you did and not enough on how that impacted you.
I believe you do have strong stories to tell, but I think you're trying to put too much into a single essay. After all, it's only 650 words; I don't think you can cram an entire life in those constraints. Your essay has a lot of good stories, but I think it would be stronger if you chose just one or two, and focused your entire essay on that single event and how it changed you. What event matters to you the most?
Hope this helps...
Your essay is rich with ideas and that's good but I agree with the last comment, you need to make it more about, don't talk too much about Kartar Singh Sarabha. Use the space to mention another quality in you, maybe an academic achievement that you accomplished despite the difficulties you faced.
That phase in your life that changed you dramatically, I think you should dedicate a separate paragraph on this topic, it's a great idea to talk about but you need to support it with examples, events that show it changed you, not only tell.
The rest of the essay is good, just try to link all sentences together, use more transition words, and omit any redundancies or information that could be implied from other parts of the essay.
good luck
