Undergraduate /
Arch-nemesis essay: Stage Fright. Undergrad UChicago Supplement [2]
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"A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies." -Oscar Wilde.
Othello and Iago. Dorothy and the Wicked Witch. Autobots and Decepticons. History and art are full of heroes and their enemies. Tell us about the relationship between you and your arch-nemesis (either real or imagined).-Inspired by Martin Krzywy, admitted student Class of 2016.
"YOUNG CHANG". I could see my reflection in the golden lettering of the grand piano. The glistening wood captured my shaking fingers. Silence was the tune between intercessions, and I was about to strike a chord. The conductor set the tempo and on beat 4, I began to play, with racing heart keeping me in rhythm. Once the piece was over, I let out a sigh of relief, dwelled upon my mistakes, relaxed my hands, loosened my shoulders, and prepared myself for my next interruption.
This is one of the many battles fought between me and my enemy.
I am Victor Frankenstein and Stage Fright is the Monster I created. The hammers that strike the strings to make a sound are the instruments of life that awaken the Monster.
They said that as time passes, it will go away. I've played for nine years, 4 months, 28 days, and a few hours. Still counting. And yet, It hasn't gone away. My arch-nemesis arrived on the eve of my brain's recognition of judgement. Two judges, with a stack of solo music beside them, pens ready, look straight ahead, no eye contact, ready to critique every note, dynamic, tempo, and position. Stage Fright is a teacher that guides me through the performance and the virus that hosts my DNA. It pesters me to let It in. While in control, It tells me when to start; when to speed up or slow down; when to breathe and when to hold it in. It encourages me to keep thinking and let technicalities stagger my performance. It tells me to not make a mistake and shames me when I do so. It makes Its ceaselessly, dissipating exit as the piece concludes. Immediate applause from the audience disturbs Its presence, as if outwardly approval weakens Its purpose. But the silence of the judges reinforces it demeanor.
Sometimes, I recall those moments. Those moments when in the one of the happiest state, the memory of that one performance emerges, the Monster invades the mind, incessantly spreads its toxic gas, and disillusions my consciousness. Sometimes I wonder, if perhaps, It is me. Perhaps, I am both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Perhaps, I am my own arch-nemesis; my own foil; my own contradiction. But then, with time, I soon came to realize, that in fact, It is me. Stage Fright is a product of my body's automatic system releasing hormones, reacting when presented with a stimulus, and preparing me for the challenge. It is simply the sign that I embody a human being. It is an attribute favorable among the survivors to conquer the unconquerable and overcome any obstacle.
But, looking back, I cannot say that the Monster has been eradicated. That in one heroic moment, I struck It with a mighty sword and It came tumbling down, begging for mercy as death gave its greeting. There will always be a constant war between me and my monster. But I have chosen not to work against It, but to work with it. I have manipulated my mind into viewing Stage Fright as not the enemy, but as my ally. Nowadays, every time I perform, whether in front of a congregation or set of judges, I remind myself to let the muscle memory of my best practices take control; to play as if no one is watching. I allow the bones of my fingers to loosen as I grace the piano keys. I greet my monster when it arrives at the strike of the strings and conduct it according to my tempo.
I am the master of my fate. stage fright is now simply my accompaniment.
