Posts by macarongrl

macarongrl

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / A nostalgic experience with the reality of humanity. [3]

I'm confused about how Leisure Life ties into E.L.D. which ties into undergoing an operation when you were five and breaking your elbow. You have lots of good possible topics, and you should maybe more focus on one instead of trying to touch base with each.

"The class reminded me of a time when I was labeled E.L.D. (ENGLISH LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT) Student for five years, the feelings I obtained were related to embarrassment and dishonor"

Add "an" or "as an" before E.L.D., also, is capitalization of English Language Development necessary?
Should Student be capitalized?
Also, "feelings I obtained" - change wording. Obtained seems like a strange word to use in that context.

"segregated from the rest of mypeers, justbecause English was not my first language" - doesn't need comma before just

"in this world that is not contaminated by business and profit" - ?? Does that part have to be included? It's a little confusing w/ the context

"separating family from people, realizing that friends do not exist." - You spoke about your friends in the sentence right before, and didn't mention your family before, so this is a little contradictory.

"hence money all of a sudden loses its precious value" - again, you didn't mention money in the essay before this. How does the rest of your essay tie into money?

After reading the essay, I still don't understand what Leisure Life is, and I still want more details of how everything is connected. Money, friends, family, your operation, your classes - focus on one event, the one that's most important/relevant to you, and develop it.

macarongrl

Dec 28, 2015

Undergraduate / Culture Club - an enhancement for the community (Rice University Supplement Question) [2]

Small grammar tweaks - add a space after H.O.P.E. in the second sentence

There should be no comma after Culture Club in the third line

Check to see if you used your semicolon in the third sentence correctly! A semicolon should be used between 2 full sentences, and the first part seems like a full sentence, whereas the second part does not. Maybe just use a comma instead.

"lameness" in the second to last line seems like a strange word choice. Consider revising or using a different word?

A comma may be needed after Rice in the last sentence.

Parts of it do leave me somewhat curious (the mention of your speeches make me want to know more about you as a leader and speaker), but you did a great job of summarizing your activity in the very short frame of words that they gave you!

macarongrl

Dec 27, 2015

Undergraduate / Council of Aid for Central Asian Jews day camp - Vassar supplement on extracurricular experience [2]

this was really difficult to do without sounding like I was obnoxiously complaining the entire time. I'm still very iffy about the ending. Can anyone give me any feedback?

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. Limit 350 words.

What images or concepts are most likely to come up in one's mind when thinking of a typical summer job at a children's day camp?

Responsibility. Reward. Long bus rides, headaches, frequent trips to Six Flags, maybe.
This was what the C.A.C.A.J. (Council of Aid for Central Asian Jews) day camp had come to mean for me last summer, but there was also something else I had learned from my hours spent there. Something perhaps more crucial.

I came into contact with a myriad of small, sticky hands and youthful pleading voices in those six weeks, in the cafeteria and out under the dappled sunlight in the park. At first, the concept of supervising a dozen or so children was not completely new to me - I thought the prior knowledge I had acquired from my past job would be more than enough.

Being randomly assigned (through the program I was in) to work in a camp catering only to Russian Jewish children and their families came to evolve into a challenge. Considering the fact that I had no Russian or Jewish background, I ended up as a bit of a misfit for the summer, in a building full of people who were all somehow related. Maybe not always blood related, but they were tied culturally. They were tied socially. The children around me constantly gabbled to each other in Russian, and I often tripped over myself in attempts to understand their jokes, traditions, and language, trying to quickly assimilate into a culture that I could not claim to be a part of, while they lightly brushed me off.

This slowly growing isolation somehow taught me why safe spaces are essential. I came to realizations that clashed with my behavior throughout high school, the behavior that made me believe I must always swim against the current in any situation.

It was then that I learned a craving for approval is completely normal. Though typically shunned, this want of acceptance can lead to motivation, which I believe can eventually lead to accomplishment.