Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit)
Rice University Supplement Question
Any form of feedback and or suggestions are welcomed . Thank You!
To me, Culture Club is an opportunity to give back to my community, family, and myself, through various performances. From H.O.P.E(Helping Other People Eat), Rotary (serving the elderly), Special Olympics, and cultural festivals to Anti-Cancer Community runs, Community clean-ups, and tutoring students in the core subjects, Culture Club, provides the ultimate opportunity for students to work with diverse individuals. Instantly after each informative and rally speech, I realized that I possessed an influential voice; a voice that gathered and motivated students to perform in communal events. As public relations officer, I primarily assembled my club members into a variety of teams after breaking the chains of shame and lameness attached with helping disadvantaged individuals and picking up litter in front of other teenagers. I plan on bringing this intrinsic motivation and divergent voice to Rice where I am sure that I could enhance the University's culture and its surrounding community.
Really good! I liked how you gave a succinct description of the Culture Club, how it impacted you and how you will bring that to the Rice community.
Just some small grammar corrections: I feel like the sentence: "From H.O.P.E(Helping Other People Eat), Rotary (serving the elderly), Special Olympics, and cultural festivals to Anti-Cancer Community runs, Community clean-ups, and tutoring students in the core subjects, Culture Club, provides the ultimate opportunity for students to work with diverse individuals." is a run on and I got easily lost in the sentence. I suggest adjusting it to "The Culture Club provides the ultimate opportunity for students to work with diverse individuals through (or by running events such as) H.O.P.E(Helping Other People Eat), Rotary (serving the elderly), Special Olympics, and cultural festivals to Anti-Cancer Community runs, Community clean-ups, and tutoring students in the core subjects." I think it gets the main point of the sentence across a little clearer. Just something to think about! Great work!
Small grammar tweaks - add a space after H.O.P.E. in the second sentence
There should be no comma after Culture Club in the third line
Check to see if you used your semicolon in the third sentence correctly! A semicolon should be used between 2 full sentences, and the first part seems like a full sentence, whereas the second part does not. Maybe just use a comma instead.
"lameness" in the second to last line seems like a strange word choice. Consider revising or using a different word?
A comma may be needed after Rice in the last sentence.
Parts of it do leave me somewhat curious (the mention of your speeches make me want to know more about you as a leader and speaker), but you did a great job of summarizing your activity in the very short frame of words that they gave you!
