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Posts by puykcyt
Name: Tiffani Carroll
Joined: Jan 27, 2016
Last Post: Jan 30, 2016
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States
School: Georgia State University

Displayed posts: 5
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puykcyt   
Jan 30, 2016
Undergraduate / A holistic education is best for me - USC Transfer essay #1 [5]

Hi, all! I had previously had this essay looked over at my college's writing studio, however, I decided to rework it almost completely. I still have finishing touches to make before I submit it but, this is the gist of the essay. Please nitpick it as I am concerned about clarity, support/evidence, and flow.I also feel like my opening sentence isn't very catching but, I'm unsure of how to fix it. The word count of the paper is 579 words. Thank you!

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.(250-650 words)

Encountering a new place is an inevitable occurrence in every person's life. For me, these occurrences have been somewhat frequent throughout life including my movement from High School to college and from my former college to my current college. While Georgia State University has allowed me to determine my career objectives, better my professional skills, and increase my appeal to employers I realize a change is needed to gain the holistic education I have long envisioned.

During my first year of college, I realized the importance of environment outside of the classroom has on academics and the full college experience. The ability to have both a varied but simultaneously tight-knit community with strong bonds and a competitive academic culture with a wealth of resources draws me to USC in my pursuit of becoming a civil rights lawyer.

I originally transferred to GSU from Oglethorpe University while citing the diversity of the student and faculty population at GSU as one of my deciding factors. Though this change was a large improvement for me compared to the 1000 students at Oglethorpe, the mostly in-state based student population has left something to be desired. In addition, this large student population is very divided between student and faculty. This would easily be rectified by the significant population of international students and significant minority student populations at USC and the overall diversity in the L.A. area.

Despite USC's large student body and high diversity, I noticed a familial atmosphere during my visits to campus. This atmosphere was made clearer to me in the connections made between students and faculty within their respective departments. In addition, the increased competitive nature of the campus the high amount of resources would be to my benefit. The availability of programs like that of the pre-law advising office, the political student assembly, and the trial advocacy program would all aid in preparing for law school and meeting my career goal of becoming a lawyer and improving my overall undergraduate experience.

I would like to take advantage of the applied political nature of USC's political science program to cover my areas of academic interest that my current school's research-based approach is not satisfying. The campus culture of USC combines the best elements of my former and current school - the liberal arts education of Oglethorpe and the large student population and resources of Georgia State while yielding a larger amount of both qualities.

Ideally, furthering my undergraduate journey would be to continue as Political Science major and economics minor. Upon graduating, I plan to attend law school to become a civil rights lawyer and serve the South Los Angeles area that my family hails from through public outreach and advocacy for reforms in compulsory education. With becoming part of the USC community receiving guidance in achieving this goal would be possible during my academic experience and after through the involved student and alumni community.

USC's strength in multiple areas, both academic and social, provide an environment geared toward bettering student's professionally and holistically. The intermeshing of the university's large, diverse and competitive population simultaneously with a deep set community that connects alumni and current students create a setting that encourages one to reach further than expected and provided the tools to do so. The rigor of academics and thought through a liberal arts format elevate the community aspect of the school in a way that can not only satisfy my desire for an unequaled education but go above that desire.
puykcyt   
Jan 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Worldwide sales of video games in dollars - IELTS Writing Task 1 Practice on 2016-01-18 [2]

Hi!
There are a few misspellings in this paper such as platform and handheld but I am going to assume they're just errors that were missed the first time you proofread.

Within your second paragraph there are some awkward sentences, here is how I would reccomend changing them:
there is marked growth of sales of video games year by year in other platforms -> there is a marked growth of yearly video game sales on other platforms

I would also recommend using "On average" instead of mostly in the next sentence.

"Since no data of mobile and online games in year 2000, console games obtained fewer than $6 billion..." I'm not completely sure what you're saying here; I would recommend finding a way to better connect the two clauses.

"whereas handheld games earned almost near $12 billion"; the use of near in this sentence is repetitive because it is the same thing as almost. Your last sentence is fine except the use of "But" to start the sentence.Using conversly alone to begin the sentence would be perfectly fine.

Overall,your paper is successful in conveying information about the graph, but I would reccomend taking the extra effort to make sure your ideas are clearly expressed even if it seems obvious to you.

Wishing you the best!
puykcyt   
Jan 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / By undergoing two different types of experience, children know how to be a better person [2]

Hi there!
Overall, this is a great essay with clear direction and well-expressed ideas. There are some mistakes however, they can easily be corrected.
Your first sentence starts strong but, has minor awkward wording in the phrase, "which mean it has adhered in many aspects of people's lives". This can be fixed by changing mean to means and "adhered in" to "adhered to". The wording in the next sentence is slightly odd: "children could be able to makelearn teamwork"

This paragraph's last sentences are can easily be repaired as well:
"I would argue that eithe r competition orand cooperation should be encouraged by parents in balance. By experiencing competitive lives and teamwork, they are learning to be a better person and helping one another to pursue the same goals at the same time. "

In the first sentence in your second paragraph I would recommend changing even grander as it is a bit weird with the use of two comparative words. In the last sentence in the second paragraph balance should be balanced.Be careful with your use of the word many,it is excessive in certain parts. I would also add will between children and know in your last sentence.

I wish you the best of luck!
puykcyt   
Jan 27, 2016
Undergraduate / Pursuing political science to find equality - USC transfer supplemental essay [2]

Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first and second major choices.

A college student with a clear idea of what they want to pursue in an era of immense variety seems to be an anomaly. I am not that anomaly. Like many college students that came before me and the many that will come after I cycled through psychology and biology majors before realizing my passions in political science and economics. Understanding politics, government, economics, and the ties each has to one another has guided me in being clear about decisions and not becoming a victim of confusion caused by intricate law systems. Instead, I choose to relish in knowing as much as possible about these subjects and aiming to share my knowledge in the future as a civil rights lawyer to better the lives of others.

My overall goal to eliminate systematic inequality seems overreaching but in my pursuit of education I have found it better to reach too far and grab all that you pass in the process than to not reach at all and simply stare at what could have been. Attending USC would not only give me the boost to reach further but the access to where I want to reach due to its close proximity to the communities I want to put on an equal playing field.

I am a nit concerned about some of my sentences being too long and how clearly I answered the question.Please feel free to nitpick!!!

Thank you!

puykcyt   
Jan 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The obligation of official training for children, to become proper parents, is not working. [3]

Hi!
The first thing I would recommend with this essay is double checking your subject and verb agreement. I would also be careful about unnecessary word usage such as, "I extremely believe that this is not the best solution because of inappropriatenessdue to it being inappropriate ."

I would also review your use of prepositions as there are incorrect uses and placements of and missing prepositions.
"However, there are enjoyable ways to give children time to comprehend their role in the present and future fromas parents, not only from school."

"Children nowadays" -> Nowadays,children . (The original form is too casual.)
In addition, some of your sentences are slightly awkward in a way that causes them to lose their meaning. This sentence in particular stood out to me:

"Official training for being good parents in children's school curriculum is not suitable, which is inappropriate at their age. It is of disturbing effect for children growth, which is too far away from their age ." The red portion of the sentence isn't very clear on what you are trying to convey. I would suggest rearranging words in order to fix it.

Overall, your essay is very good at providing evidence and further thought to support your claims.Please maintain that quality as you make changes.
I wish you the best.
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