Writing Feedback / The dramatic increase in the proportion of older people (65 and over) in three countries. [3]

Where is the chart? And how you're so confident that in Japan the peak percentage will be 27% in 2014. Can you post the chart?

Undergraduate / The hardest of obstacles that bumped my road was starting a new life in a new country [3]

It certainly does not sound like an Obstacle or "bump in the road." It is a common problem of newcomers to United states. If this is your only biggest obstacle, then write it. Otherwise, I'd like to suggest find another idea. Tell a story concerning an obstacle that changed your life or an Obstacle that made the biggest Impact on you.

Book Reports / Great Gatsby and The American Dream, Intro and concluding paragraph for grade 11 essay. [2]

The intro should be like this The Great Gatsby is a 1925 novel written by American author F. Scott Fitzgerald; Gatsby is a dreamer....

You've good theme to explain the prompt. I've few suggestions

---You should use American dream not american dream and American or Americans instade of america.
----Scott Fitzgerald, Gatsby is a dreamer--- Fitzgerald; Gatsby is
----extravagantly, but ----extravagantly but
----and opportunity to have a decent, well deserved life.----and an opportunity to have a decent, well-deserved life.
----Fitzgerald's eventual message about the---- Fitzgerald's overall or ultimate message about the..
---The true American dream is supposed to----The real American dream is supposed to
----American dream is becoming extremely wealthy. Gatsby is a dreamer who ends up wealthy, ------American dream is becoming extremely wealthy. Gatsby is a dreamer who ends up rich,----- I think wealthy is overused here.

Writing Feedback / The wind turbine is able to generate electricity with a simple design and process. [2]

----According to the diagram, a wind turbine consists of steel tower , ----a steel tower
----This information is sent to the computer for adjusting the--- Sent
----In addition , the turbines can be placed--- Besides or Also is better here
----can be placed in some locations such as near a coast or in a mountain.----can be placed in some areas such as near a coast or in a mountain.

You forgot to write about the "landscape not spoiled." The wind turbine does not consist of a computer. It's only steel tower, blades, wind sensor, and generator

Write "fiberglass made blades" instead of "through the blades which made from fiberglass or wood."

Scholarship / My career goal is to become a practical nurse because of my own experiences I have gone through [2]

---My career goal is to becom a practical nursing because of my own personal experiences I have gone through .-My career goal is to become a practical nursing because of my personal experiences I have gone through.

gone through--There is no rule that always prohibits a sentence from ending with a preposition. If your reader is likely to believe this grammar myth, take care to avoid using phrasal verbs (such as agree to, plan on, or result in) at the end of a sentence. However, a simple reordering of the sentence may result in an overly stuffy or archaic feeling.

---Another reason is that with my own eyes I saw the shortage-- delete that or rewrite it.
---That's when i decide that I am--.That's when I decide that I am
--- I am going to become some sort of medical person but I was not certain at that time because trying to persue a career was impossible. I want to use my personal loss as a means to help others. In Addition , I grow up in a family where helping others was a key characteristic to have.------I am going to become some medical person, but I was not sure at that time because trying to pursue a career was impossible. I want to use my personal loss as a means to help others. Also, I grow up in a family where helping others was an essential characteristic to have.

It is good. But you should also write about your passion for medical science, to know more about the human body or life which drew you to become a doctor. Consider adding them.

Undergraduate / Always something to improve in China. Transfer Commonapp personal essays. [2]

---Without secure drinking water and other fundamental infrastructures---Without reliable drinking water and other fundamental infrastructures,
--- the poor living situation there surprised me.--the unfortunate living situation there surprised me.
---future major in hope of learning about responsive government administration and making changes.----a hope or the hope
---I also participated in model UNs focusing-Model
---focusing on finding solutions toward the social issues---focusing on finding solutions for/to the social issues
----I chose Public administration in college--Public Administration
----Studying in a university that had one of the best public administration departments in China,----Studying at a university, The word administration appears repeatedly in this text. Consider using a synonym in its place.---civil service or government

---- characteristic to have an inside look to China's political system--look at
----I am not satisfied to only learning----satisfied with
----I really enjoy the academic diversity in US campus.--- Do not overuse "Really"
----I hope to get more general education--I hope to get the more general education.
----I am aware of the importance of general education,--public education
----which is lacking of in my current school.---which is lacking in my
----I was aware of my desire for a major with more general education.---desire to
----I am having a stronger desire for studying in a campus---studying on a campus
---- The environment of the campus plays an important role in education.---The environment of the school plays a significant role in education.
----However, it is clear that not all the social issues could be analyzed numerically.--evident, Make the sentence passive.
----I hope to have a change for the environment and for myself.--I hope to have change for the environment and myself.
----I could have chance to exchange ideas with them---I could have the chance to exchange ideas
---A free and open atmosphere in school will give me broad perspective and inclusive and objective idea in the political science filed .----A free and open atmosphere in school will give me a broad perspective and overall and objective idea of the political science field.

----It sounds like something cliché, however , it is what I have been always hoping to do and making all efforts for it.--It sounds like something cliché. However, it is what I have always been hoping to do and making all efforts for it.

----Transferring to a new school in US and--- school in the US
----community service to really devote myself to helping others--- service to devote myself

Essay is good.. But 780 words make it bad. It can quickly show your demonstration within 500 words. Just write less about china and your past activity. Good luck with your essay.