Hi, I'm looking to strengthen my letter of motivation for a top 10 PHD program and scholarship. I believe the letter is strong but I think it could be stronger. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Jambo,
Kindly find my help below, the one in parenthesis are the suggestions for replacement.
Members of the Selection Committee:(;)
I wish to apply for the 2015 PHD (PhD) program at the Hertie School of Governance with (for) the subject of Governance. I believe that my (past delete) academic records and services (experience will ) make me a good candidate for the scholarship. I am originally from xxxx Africa, a country subject to multiple development issues. I graduated from high school in xxxxxx, majoring (major) in general accountancy with an above average GPA. High school curriculum helped me acquire(d) the foundation skills necessary to proceed with my studies, with courses such as economics, accountancy, law and applied mathematics. Despite my low-income background I (decided to - delete) overcome my limitations, after working at a gas station and as an insurance sales person. I decided I had to take the next step and complete my education as I was (am) filled with a (the) desire to know more. I then traveled to the xxxx where I went through an undergraduate program in Management of(and) organizations.
In xxxx, I acquired a tremendous knowledge and wider understanding of the world. I went from speaking two languages, English and French, to writing and speaking two more (languages) Ukrainian and Russian. I also had the opportunity to engage in community work in orphanages with Global Aid Network. I worked as a waiter, an Internet sales person for wood businesses and in a music band to sustain myself, which required a lot of discipline and practice. Nevertheless, I was able to obtain my Bachelor with a 3.7 GPA. I had also the opportunity to travel to China while in xxxx to do some English teaching, and I was shocked by the speed at which the country was developing and achieving to equip itself with modern infrastructure, while becoming integrated into Chinese culture by learning the language I was filled with a burning desire to see the same progress in my country xxxxx.
I was saddened by the poor quality of life, the state of underdevelopment and the status quo prevailing in my homeland. I decided I needed to specialize in development studies to educate and contribute to the development of xxxx and Africa in general. I was granted the Global Ambassador Scholarship by the xxxxx School for a Masters program in South Korea. The X is an NAACP accredited graduate school specialized in training policy makers' (makers) and known to be one of the best of(in) the field in Asia. At the x School, I benefited from the training and assistance of Korea's best public policy specialists with long years of practical experience. Using tools like Econometrics and economic theories I was able to make policy analyses (analysis) of my own and at the end of my year, (I)delivered a thesis paper on the relationship between energy reform and governance in West and Central Africa. Here I was appointed student representative and I had by(the) opportunity (the chance- delete) to exercise some leadership skills with a variety of students from all over the world, which I happen to do with a certain ease as I have greater cultural exposure.
I engage(d - delete) in volunteer(ing-delete) activities for non-profit organizations such as the Dongdaemun Welfare center. This experience as well as my time with G.A.I.N. gave me a sense of what the purpose of public policy is. Impacting the life of individuals motivates me to keep learning and finding suitable solutions to make a difference. My wish is to advocate for more Social Justice in Africa especially for people who identify (themselves)with the LGBT community like myself. I come from a country where disclosing my sexual orientation could be dangerous for my life. Persecution, incarceration and murder of gay young people are common and yet nothing is done. I know deeply that my involvement can be an inspiration for many and I want to dedicate myself to raising awareness on such issues.
My desire is to deepen my knowledge of development issues and policy making and be able to call myself a specialist, capable of passing down practical knowledge and expertise to my fellow Africans and if possible leaders in power. I believe education (to be a- is the) key element in the development of the African continent. So many issues are to be addressed and a scientific and factual approach is more than necessary to facilitate decision-making and bring the impact necessary to change people's lives. Teaching is dear to me because I find it hard to dissociate education and human capital from economic development. Africa is in great need for highly qualified specialists that can eventually boost economic growth by adding value to a more (and more- delete, not necessary to repeat) vulnerable African production through research and scientific progress.
The German experience and expertise in policy making has triggered great admiration during recent years and I believe it would be an immense opportunity for me to be able to learn from the sacrosanct how issues of private sector, education, economic and industrial development are handled. This folk (ample amount) of knowledge will definitely make an asset of me, capable of bringing my share in the making of a better Africa.
(I would like to- not necessary) Thank you in advance for considering my application.
******************************************************************************************************
Jambo, I'd like to add a few tips
* Proofreading - before submitting any written article, proof read it, it never fails to show you that theres still more to what you can write.
* Use of big words - when writing an article, a letter or anything that would need your own words and thoughts avoid using big words,
they are not as necessary as you think, compose one that will get your thoughts across without sounding too complicated.
* Mind the punctuation marks - many will not notice but these little details makes a difference.
Hope you get across, Best of Luck Jambo!
Hi Jambo,
Kindly find my help below, the one in parenthesis are the suggestions for replacement.
Members of the Selection Committee:(;)
I wish to apply for the 2015 PHD (PhD) program at the Hertie School of Governance with (for) the subject of Governance. I believe that my (past delete) academic records and services (experience will ) make me a good candidate for the scholarship. I am originally from xxxx Africa, a country subject to multiple development issues. I graduated from high school in xxxxxx, majoring (major) in general accountancy with an above average GPA. High school curriculum helped me acquire(d) the foundation skills necessary to proceed with my studies, with courses such as economics, accountancy, law and applied mathematics. Despite my low-income background I (decided to - delete) overcome my limitations, after working at a gas station and as an insurance sales person. I decided I had to take the next step and complete my education as I was (am) filled with a (the) desire to know more. I then traveled to the xxxx where I went through an undergraduate program in Management of(and) organizations.
In xxxx, I acquired a tremendous knowledge and wider understanding of the world. I went from speaking two languages, English and French, to writing and speaking two more (languages) Ukrainian and Russian. I also had the opportunity to engage in community work in orphanages with Global Aid Network. I worked as a waiter, an Internet sales person for wood businesses and in a music band to sustain myself, which required a lot of discipline and practice. Nevertheless, I was able to obtain my Bachelor with a 3.7 GPA. I had also the opportunity to travel to China while in xxxx to do some English teaching, and I was shocked by the speed at which the country was developing and achieving to equip itself with modern infrastructure, while becoming integrated into Chinese culture by learning the language I was filled with a burning desire to see the same progress in my country xxxxx.
I was saddened by the poor quality of life, the state of underdevelopment and the status quo prevailing in my homeland. I decided I needed to specialize in development studies to educate and contribute to the development of xxxx and Africa in general. I was granted the Global Ambassador Scholarship by the xxxxx School for a Masters program in South Korea. The X is an NAACP accredited graduate school specialized in training policy makers' (makers) and known to be one of the best of(in) the field in Asia. At the x School, I benefited from the training and assistance of Korea's best public policy specialists with long years of practical experience. Using tools like Econometrics and economic theories I was able to make policy analyses (analysis) of my own and at the end of my year, (I)delivered a thesis paper on the relationship between energy reform and governance in West and Central Africa. Here I was appointed student representative and I had by(the) opportunity (the chance- delete) to exercise some leadership skills with a variety of students from all over the world, which I happen to do with a certain ease as I have greater cultural exposure.
I engage(d - delete) in volunteer(ing-delete) activities for non-profit organizations such as the Dongdaemun Welfare center. This experience as well as my time with G.A.I.N. gave me a sense of what the purpose of public policy is. Impacting the life of individuals motivates me to keep learning and finding suitable solutions to make a difference. My wish is to advocate for more Social Justice in Africa especially for people who identify (themselves)with the LGBT community like myself. I come from a country where disclosing my sexual orientation could be dangerous for my life. Persecution, incarceration and murder of gay young people are common and yet nothing is done. I know deeply that my involvement can be an inspiration for many and I want to dedicate myself to raising awareness on such issues.
My desire is to deepen my knowledge of development issues and policy making and be able to call myself a specialist, capable of passing down practical knowledge and expertise to my fellow Africans and if possible leaders in power. I believe education (to be a- is the) key element in the development of the African continent. So many issues are to be addressed and a scientific and factual approach is more than necessary to facilitate decision-making and bring the impact necessary to change people's lives. Teaching is dear to me because I find it hard to dissociate education and human capital from economic development. Africa is in great need for highly qualified specialists that can eventually boost economic growth by adding value to a more (and more- delete, not necessary to repeat) vulnerable African production through research and scientific progress.
The German experience and expertise in policy making has triggered great admiration during recent years and I believe it would be an immense opportunity for me to be able to learn from the sacrosanct how issues of private sector, education, economic and industrial development are handled. This folk (ample amount) of knowledge will definitely make an asset of me, capable of bringing my share in the making of a better Africa.
(I would like to- not necessary) Thank you in advance for considering my application.
******************************************************************************************************
Jambo, I'd like to add a few tips
* Proofreading - before submitting any written article, proof read it, it never fails to show you that theres still more to what you can write.
* Use of big words - when writing an article, a letter or anything that would need your own words and thoughts avoid using big words,
they are not as necessary as you think, compose one that will get your thoughts across without sounding too complicated.
* Mind the punctuation marks - many will not notice but these little details makes a difference.
Hope you get across, Best of Luck Jambo!