"capable organisations" - a motivational letter

I'm a high school student applying to university. I've never written a motivation letter before, so I'd really appreciate feedback on how to refine this answer, including grammar, clarity and whether the structure works.

The Erasmus University offers several different bachelor's programmes in business and economics. Why did you choose business administration? What specific aspects of the RSM IBA programme excite you the most? Tell us what got your excited about the subject and the programme! (900 character with punctuations)

I've always been fascinated that capable organisations with vast resources still make avoidable mistakes in high-stakes situations. During my x Bank risk management internship, I tried to understand why. I realised the issue often isn't ability but the system: weak controls and unclear ownership let errors repeat. I reconciled loss cases at x Bank and saw the same issues return whenever ownership was unclear, which convinced me that systems matter as much as people. That's why business administration attracts me: it focuses on how organisations set up ownership, controls and routines so errors don't keep happening. I'm also drawn to the lecture-plus-workshop format, because I learn best through discussion and feedback. I'm interested in the AI-related specialisation track and in learning how organisations can adopt AI responsibly while keeping people in the loop.

The presentation is not interesting enough. It feels like you just went for the most obvious answers and used those to formulate your statement. There is no sense of a personal attachment to the line that you wish to study. Even the aspects that should have you excited about the course does not reflect any excitement on your part that should be jumping off the page.


Be more specific. Open the statement with an actual problem that you had to solve at your bank that led to your interest in this field. Do not keep your answer so safe that it does not offer any insight into your actual situation in the workplace. You need to create a proper idea of your profession and the problems you deal with that require you to study these advanced courses.

@Holt
Thanks for the insights-they helped me a lot, since I didn't have a benchmark to compare it to. I restructured the entire text while keeping the main thesis, drawing on my work experience but making it more engaging and personal.

I used to think mistakes happen when people aren't good enough. Then I watched smart people make the same mistake twice because the process made it easy to repeat. During my CIB Bank risk management internship, reconciling loss cases frustrated me: the same issues kept coming back whenever ownership was unclear. That pattern made me realise the problem often isn't ability but the system, and that's what pulled me towards business administration. I want to learn how organisations design ownership, controls and routines so errors don't recur under pressure. In IBA, I'm drawn to Business Simulation because it turns decisions into consequences in a team. I like case studies, and STAR is a practical way to test my thinking outside class. I'm also keen to participate in the AI-related specialisation track and learn how organisations can adopt AI responsibly while keeping people in the loop.

Merged:

Motivational answer, does it display devotion and personality?

I'm a high school student applying to university. I've never written a motivation letter before, so I'd really appreciate feedback on how to refine this answer, including grammar, clarity and whether the structure works.

The Erasmus University offers several different bachelor's programmes in business and economics. Why did you choose business administration? What specific aspects of the RSM IBA programme excite you the most? Tell us what got your excited about the subject and the programme! (900 character with punctuations)

I used to think mistakes happen when people aren't good enough. Then I watched smart people make the same mistake twice because the process made it easy to repeat. During my x Bank risk management internship, reconciling loss cases frustrated me: the same issues kept coming back whenever ownership was unclear. That pattern made me realise the problem often isn't ability but the system, and that's what pulled me towards business administration. I want to learn how organisations design ownership, controls and routines so errors don't recur under pressure. In IBA, I'm drawn to Business Simulation because it turns decisions into consequences in a team. I like case studies, and STAR is a practical way to test my thinking outside class. I'm also keen to participate in the AI-related specialisation track and learn how organisations can adopt AI responsibly while keeping people in the loop.