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Letter to a congressman about an issue (ESSAY)


aleemolina26 1 / -  
Mar 9, 2016   #1
HELLO, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME IN ANY WAY, THANK YOUUUU

March 9, 2016
The Honorable Luis D. Rivera Filomeno
Senado-EL Capitolio
P.O. Box 9023431
San Juan, PR. 00902-3431

Dear Senator:

My name is Aileen Molina Morales, I am a High School student at Pedro Falu Orellano and part of the Seminary of Student Life Organization, which is dedicated to do activities and orientations to the student body with the intent of inspiring morals and positive attitudes between students and society. The Seminary Of Student Life is making an initiative to get the school involved in getting taps for the Ronald McDonald Foundation in which every tap equals .2 cents; with this money cancer patient can get all the necessary treatments and services they may need. I urge you to make this not just a school initiative, but a community initiative. The money that is recollected from the taps will make an impact on thousands of families in Puerto Rico. This issue is of great importance to me because my grandmother once a cancer patient, thanks to foundation such as Ronald McDonald she received all the medical attention she needed and today is cancer free. I suggest we make a tap station next to the mayor's office, make bins similar to the ones used in recycling and deposit taps in those bins. I also suggest making flyers to let the community know of such activity and every month, My school and I, commit to taking the taps to the Foundation. Thank you for reading my letter and for your consideration, If you wish to further discuss this issue feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

Aileen Molina Morales
Sector Las Flores, Cll Pimentel,
Río Grande, PR 00745

JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Mar 13, 2016   #2
Dear Aileen,

It is a pleasure to be working with you.

The essay is well written and gets right to the point. There are a few grammar errors that I have corrected. Red is for corrections. Blue are my comments on the previous sentence. Please see below:

... Molina Morales,. I am a High School... Here, you have two complete sentences. Separate them with a period. If you want to leave the comma, you need to place "and" after the comma

... I am a High Schoolhigh school student... When you write "high school," it does not need to be capitalized. You only capitalize it if you are naming the school. For example: Santaluces Community High School.

... which is dedicated to dothe activities and orientations toof the student body with the intent of inspiring morals and positive attitudes between students and society. ...

... equals $0 .2 cents; with this money,a cancer patient can ...

... my grandmother was once a cancer patient, and thanks to foundationssuch aslike Ronald McDonald, she received all the medical attention she needed.andtT oday,she is cancer free. ...

... recycling, and deposit taps ...

... such activity, and every month, My school and I will commit ...

... to the Ff oundation. ... Here you capitalized foundation, but it is not necessary to do so because you are not naming the entire foundation.

... Thank you for reading my letter and for your consideration,. If you wish to further discuss this issue, feel free to contact me. ...Please place this sentence in a separate line apart from the first paragraph. It will look better to the reader as this is your "concluding" sentence.


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