How convincing is my narrative for my motivation statement for CERN's administrative student program

I intend to join CERN's International Relations department.
Following are two versions; I would like to have your perspective, advice on it
P.S there is character limit of 1440 characters including spaces around 220 words

1st Version
Dear Selection Committee,
As a student of international relations, I believe science plays a crucial role in combating ignorance through education. This belief has led me to engage with some of the world's most esteemed UN bodies dedicated to science and technology. In Pakistan, I was involved in UNESCO's programming, and indeed the visionary idea of CERN first took shape at UNESCO. UNESCO's preamble, which states "wars begin in the minds of men, and it is in the minds of men that the defenses of peace must be constructed," resonates with my own mission.
My journey continued with an opportunity to work for the International Telecommunication Union (ITU), formerly known as the International Telegraph Union, established in 1865. The organization stands as a testament to the power of international collaboration in an era dominated by power politics and ignorance. Today, ITU is the UN's flagship tech agency, leading digital transformation efforts.
Currently, my work with a MENA-based research and development firm has given me firsthand experience of the challenges faced by developing and war-torn nations. I am eager to champion third-world science and learn what makes CERN so effective, particularly its commitments to neutrality, diversity, reciprocity, and Open Science policy. My skills in partnerships, advocacy, communications, and project management will be invaluable for CERN's international relations.
Sincerely,

1 version per thread please

This is supposed to be a motivational letter, It is not a paragraphical form of your work related experiences. When you write an essay or letter about your work experiences, you do not fulfill the motivational letter requirement. You must have an actual motivating factor that will be addressed by the program you wish to join. Explain how the program aligns with your motivation and then relate those to your eye opening experiences. Do not prioritize your experiences because the motivation gets lost in the discussion. It is my belief that this is not a letter that you can use due to the missing elements. It will be better for your application if you write a more motivation centered letter instead. Focus on why you believe this program will benefit you as a student and future diplomat, then explain how your experiences have given you the foundation ti actively participate and succeed in the program.

@Holt

Thanks for your prompt response. I initially posted two versions where the second version focused more on motivation. Based on your comment I have tried to revise the statement. Thanks again for your continued support.

Dear Selection Committee,

As a student of international relations, my interest remains at the intersection of science and diplomacy. My experiences in the MENA & Southeast Asia region have given me firsthand knowledge of the challenges faced by developing and war-torn nations. I firmly believe in the conquest of ignorance through education and the utility of science in peacebuilding. Wars begin in the minds of men, and it is in the minds of men where the defenses of peace must be constructed. Through this program, I seek to learn what makes CERN effective as a multilateral body, beyond its shared values of neutrality, diversity, reciprocity, and open science policy.

At CERN's Associate & Non-Member State Relations, I anticipate advocating for key issues faced by different countries and their scientific communities. I aim to forge joint partnerships and collaborations with the UN, INGOs, the private sector, and academic communities. I will apply what I have learned at the UN's science and technology bodies, including the ITU and UNESCO, to pursue a purposeful career like my hero, Nobel Laureate Dr. Salam, who established Pakistan's strong scientific tradition and founded ICTP to champion third-world science. I believe my diverse international experiences, combined with my skills in policy research, partnerships, advocacy, communications, and project management, will be of great value to CERN.

Sincerely,