'Dear Australian Consulate General Hanoi, Vietnam' - visa application

I'm going to apply for visa for studying in Australia but I don't really feel confident about my study plan. Can anyone correct it please? Thank you.

"Dear Australian Consulate General Hanoi, Vietnam
My name is Nguyen Minh Trang, 18 years old high school graduate.
There are four people in my family:
My father is Nguyen Xuan, 47 years old. He is an engineer and now works at Viet Hung Joint Stock Company (VHI) as a Director.
My mother is Dang Thu Lan, 46 years old and she is a teacher at Vietnam Institute for Trade and Industry Studying (VITIS).
My little brother is Nguyen Viet Hung. He is 12 years old and he studies at Trung Hoa junior high school.
Graduated from Hanoi - Amsterdam High School for the Gifted, now I intend to continue my further study in Australia, which I have been dreaming for years. Stood at the top 2 most livable country in the world, Australia not only offers high - quality education, which helps international students to broaden academic knowledge as well as necessary practical skills but also is a land of great diversity of culture, language and so on. Thus, this is an ideal place for study.

During my days at high school, participating in activities, being a part of event organizers, meeting people from all walks of life, hearing their stories, I early found my fascination with social works, which led to the decision of pursuing communication career. Therefore, I started to search for universities that provides this major and I found University of Wollongong, which is placed in the top 2% of universities in the world. UoW gives students essential knowledge and the opportunity to practice so that the programs are relevant to life. In addition, UoW tuition fee is reasonable for my family financial condition at the moment. Hence, with 25% scholarship, my parents could afford to pay for my upcoming 3 years at UoW.

After graduation, I intend to return to Vietnam to start my career in the field of communication. My long term goal is to become a prominent professional journalist in my country and contribute to the development of Vietnam journalism and communication. I strongly believe that Australia, concretely UoW is the right place for me to make the dream I chase reality.

Mervian, you should not have this letter in an outline form. You need to revise the format and do it as a formal letter to the Australian embassy. You should relate the accomplishments of your family members, specifically your mother and father, and then explain how they were able to achieve academic and professional excellence due to their opportunity to study overseas ( if they did that). Then explain how you wish to follow in their footsteps so that you will have a solid basis for your request. You can quote their study experience and use that as proof that you do not plan to tarnish the name of your family by staying away from Vietnam longer than you have to. You need to emphasize your patriotism in this letter as you request for their permission to study in Australia.

Explain what course you plan on studying in Australia and then connect it to your return to Vietnam. Outline your plans upon your return after graduation. Make sure to emphasize your plan to give back to Vietnam because of your desire to create a connection between Australia and Vietnam. Let them know that you plan to promote Vietnam while in Australia and then you will promote Australia in Vietnam upon your return. That way you can show a cultural exchange of sorts that will benefit both economies in the long run.

Finally, let them know that you are willing to do a personal interview with them in order to further discuss your plans or clarify any of their questions if they have any. Give your contact details and let them know they can contact you anytime they wish.

Most of the necessary ideas are in this version of your essay. You just need to develop it further :-) Good luck!