Director's admission letter to an International student>

I would be glad if you correct my letter (I am a director and a non US citizen)

To Whom It May Concern:

As the Director of High school and a Director of a Non-profit Organization, I have the opportunity to contact with both community volunteers and Students. I consider xxx to be one of the most studious, hard-working and responsible members of our organization as well as one of the best in High School. After two years, I have come to know him with two perspectives and would like to recommend him as a candidate for your undergraduate Studies.

xxx brings value everywhere:
xxx a dedicated member of the Organization. He donates countless hours and energy to the Organization. He has not only worked with members of the Organization but also helped to implement plans and programs that will enrich the lives of those around him and broadens people's involvement in community services. xxx's leadership and technical skills have been invaluable to Organization's programs, most of which have been started from the ground up.

[...]

- ... I had the opportunity to work with some of the best community volunteer students. One of them being XXX who , after having known him for the past two years, proved to be a studious, hard-working, and responsible member of our organization and high school. So I was more than happy to assist him in his quest for admission to your university. I recommend him for undergraduate studies there based upon two reasons;

First,


- Under developed sentence. How did he prove that he can bring value everywhere? What did you see him do or accomplish to that effect?



- Every time you write organization with a capital O in the middle of a sentence, change it a lower case o. Capitalization is only used at the start of sentences and when referring to a title or in your case, the organization name. Review your capitalization usage.


- I am not sure how this sentence fits in because you did not have a build up to this statement. Kindly explain about this point of view in the essay to make it clear to the reader .

- Not all universities take kindly to activist students. I suggest you don't use this sample of this as a tribute to his conviction as a student. Instead, show him in an environment or situation where he shared his wisdom with you that did not involve a protest rally.


- That is why I am giving him my strongest recommendation for acceptance to your college.

- Could you somehow connect this trait of Med's to some strong aspect or requirement for a person pursuing his degree? It is always best to make a connection between the person and his ability to perfectly perform what is expected of him as a student of his major and eventually, in the performance of his duties.


- His wisdom and foresight ...

- Suggested method of discussing this event; His wisdom and foresight has helped him resolve many issues within the community that our organization assists. One of these events sticks out particularly for me because it showed his wisdom, foresight, and ability to be a negotiator as early as the age of fifteen. He brought an end to the school aged violence caused regionalism of the students whom we were tutoring in Tunisia by having them sit down for a meeting. It was at this meeting where he explained to all the parties concerned about what makes us all Tunisian, regardless of our skin color, race, or ethnicity. He encouraged them not to use bullets but instead learn to discuss and compromise. He handled the meeting with such initiative and confidence that I knew I was talking to a born leader and I have yet to come across another young member of our organization who can rival him on those terms.

There is an overall improvement in the letter in terms of content. I have given you some advice as to how to best present his leadership abilities above.

A few more suggestions and recommendations pertaining to the content and grammar of the letter can be found below.


- Give the name of the organization. This will give credibility to your statements and also allow the admission officer to verify the claims you are making about the Anouar pertaining to the actions that he took as a member of the organization.


- Programs such as? What was his direct participation in the implementation?


... at the age of ...

To Whom It May Concern:

As the Consular of Pioneer High School and a Director of Bizerte 2022 Non-profit Organization, I had the opportunity to work with some of the best community volunteer students. One of them is Med Anouar who, after having known him for the past two years, proved to be a studious, hard-working, and responsible member of our organization and high school. So I was more than happy to assist him in his quest for admission to your university. I recommend him for undergraduate studies there based upon many reasons.

Med Anouar is a dedicated member of the organization. He donates countless hours and energy to the organization. He has not only worked with members but also helped to implement plans and programs such as charity campaigns that include raising funds to help the poor and the sick. He think that voluntary work enrich the lives of those around him when it comes to the needy and broadens people's involvement in community services when it comes to the wealthy. Med Anouar's leadership and hard-work have been invaluable to organization's programs, most of which have been started from the ground up. He organized plenty of events, in collaboration with other organizations and clubs: call entrepreneurs, officials and youth to participate in the community. He insists that the collaborated hard work has the final say in life.

His wisdom and foresight has helped him resolve many issues within the community that our organization assists. One of these events sticks out particularly for me because it showed his wisdom, foresight, and ability to be a negotiator, early, at the age of fifteen. He brought an end to the school aged violence caused regionalism of the students whom we were tutoring in Tunisia by having them sit down for a meeting. It was at this meeting where he explained to all the parties concerned about what makes us all Tunisian, regardless of our skin color, race, or ethnicity. He managed to uproot the eternal tearing conflict between social-classes. He encouraged them not to use bullets but instead learn to discuss and compromise. He handled the meeting with such initiative and confidence that I knew I was talking to a born leader and I have yet to come across another young member of our organization who can rival him on those terms. He remains one of the bravest students that I ever come across with them during my 30-year career.

In my opinion, Med Anouar's unwavering devotion to his community exemplifies strong moral fiber and character. That is why I am giving him my strongest recommendation for acceptance to your college. As he graduates high school, I and all of High School staff are so sad to see him go, but realize that he is destined to affect great things far beyond the narrow confines of a small town.

Last few corrections then this will be good to go :-)


- He believes that voluntary work enriches the lives of those around him who need his help. He insists on participating in activities that will broaden people's involvement in community services and is particularly dedicated to drafting the rich members of the community into this cause.


- His leadership and hard work have been invaluable to the success of our organization and school programs. He is often the student behind the activities that calls upon the collaboration of various school organizations, clubs, local businessmen, and other important community figures that can help alleviate the poverty that he sees in the communities where our organization volunteers its time and efforts.

thanks a lot for help