'the finest person with whom I had worked' - LOR in Supply Chain Mgt

Hi,

My subordinate has requested for LOR for higher education. I've drafted rough one. Please go through it. Let me know the necessary changes.

In terms sequence of drafting the letter.

Thanks in Advance.
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It is my pleasure to write a letter of recommendation for Mr. XXX . I've known XXX for more than 4 years. There is a great proverb "Face is the index of mind". But, this proverb is not applicable to XXX, because his appearance look like a fresh under graduate, who has just passed out of college.In contrast, he is young dynamic professional.

XXX joined XXX (Co Name) in 2004 as Financial Analyst. Demonstrating an incredible initiative and a strong dedication , he moved up the the ladder within short span of time. He got promoted twice: from Financial Analyst -- to: Senior Financial Analyst (SFA) and from SFA -- To: Team Leader.

Currently, he is working as Research Analyst, performs fundamental research in US Retail/ Consumer Discretionary sector. His job responsibility include:
1. Manage multiple research projects based on Prop Traders and Portfolio Manager's demand.
2. Analysis supply chain relationship and read across from individual companies/industry cluster implication on other stocks.
3. Understand business model of the companies being tracked and develop investment thesis.
4. Conduct various scenario and sensitivity analysis to ascertain impact of market variables, global macro events, commodity prices on stock prices.

XXX has strong understanding in US& Canada retail industry dynamics. He has worked in lots of research projects and developed quant models and relationship database. To highlight a project, which was Supply Chain Relationship Database, he worked as Chief Architect in designing and implementing Supply Chain relationship model, in that various metrics such as product mix, geography mix etc were considered for sensitivity analysis and micro factors which would affect the supply chain model of company/industry.

XXX has strong analytical mindset and quantitative skills are appreciable. He is smart in accomplishing the given work/project within the stipulated time. He is a good team member, who can adjust his thought process according to other team members ideology and ensures that all the team members are actively participated in decision making process. In the long-run, his leadership skills will allow him to succeed in whatever he puts his mind to.

In conclusion, I would recommend him for Graduate Program at your esteemed University/College. In my years of work experience both in academic and professional world he is one of the finest person with whom I had worked. I wish him good luck for his future endeavors.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me.

The letter comes across as too flowery to be credible. Based on what you list the candidate is strong enough not to need this. What would help more is the following:

1) you might want to mention your own credentials, position and what your company does.
2) I did not find this an impressive opening:


Better use the space to cite good examples of "incredible initiative and a strong dedication" and state what he did to get promoted from starting position to team leader.

3) Aside from research and analysis, what was his key achievement? Some unique trait and more personalization would help. I still was not convinced by what you wrote at the end :


Why is he one of the finest ?