Fraternity Interest Letter

Hello all, I need some advice on my fraternity interest letter. I'm not quite sure it flows correctly. Let me know what you think!

Thanks in advance,

To the Brothers of the XXX chapter of XXXX Fraternity, Incorporated:

The purpose of this letter is to inform you of my interest in becoming a member of the XXX chapter of XXX Fraternity, Incorporated. My desire to inspire young men and women and make a significant impact on their lives is just one of many reasons I aspire to join your great fraternity.

While growing up in a family predominately made up of women, I did not have many positive male role models I could look to for guidance. Although my father was not around to guide me through my journey of becoming a man, I was blessed to have two older males (cousins) in the family that embraced me and instilled in me the qualities of a man. Not only did they teach the qualities of a man, but they also ingrained in me the importance of an education.

Once I graduated from high school, I went on to play college football at XXX, and eventually continued my education at XXX with a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Information Systems. After I obtained my degree, I began coaching football and mentoring the young men at XXXX. Being a mentor to those young men was an enlightening experience; it allowed me to understand the importance of a role model. Had it not been for the role models in my life, I'm not sure what direction my life would have taken. It was that experience and the influence of my cousins that fueled my desire to change the lives of young men and women the way that they changed mine.

I believe that I have a lot to offer XXX, both in terms of my desire to be a positive influence in the lives of others and with my personal strengths as a leader and mentor. As a member of XXX, I will work hard to uphold the reputation and exceed the standards that those before me have set.

In my opinion, becoming a member of XXX means joining a group of highly educated men that together I believe are capable of facilitating the type of change that is imperative in today's society. It is my hope that I will be accepted as a member and be afforded the opportunity to take part in that change. I look forward to hearing from you regarding my request to join your great fraternity.

Mike Dorn
Sincerely,

I think your letter is very good. The only thing I could think to add to it is maybe to write a bit of what you feel the Fraternity could offer you, maybe to highlight the direction you would like to take in your career or have taken and what your short-term life long goals are.

The letter is a little stiff but I think that's acceptable in this context. You don't need to stand out from the crowd but merely demonstrate your suitability for the group. Along those lines, you might add a sentence to the penultimate (next to last) paragraph, stating more specifically what you wish to do within the group. Do they have specific programs to which you would contribute time or resources?

One fix:

a group of highly educated men who together I believe are capable of

All, thanks for the feedback. I will add these modifications to my essay.

Hey, I saw that the help you gave to other members consisted only of a few words, like, "Nice topic!" You should give some more meaningful feedback! :-)

Your letter is a bit vague. Try adding some specifics to make in more interesting. What qualities specifically do you associate with being a man? How did your role models teach you these?