help with my cover letter, response to job offer for a retail sales clerk

Hey guys,
I want to apply for a job in Canada and I need some help with my cover letter.
My english is not really good so i hope you can help me with some corrections and suggetions.
Thank you very much!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing in response to your job offer for a retail sales clerk as advertised on "XY" on the 6th of June.

Based on the requirements listed in the ad, I feel that my skills are a perfect match for this position. I have more than just the required experience, am a hard worker and have good organization skills.

The ability to deliver high quality, responsive service is vital in the retail industry and that is exactly what you will get when you hire me.

My resume is enclosed but I would like to point out that I have four years experience in this field.
I am experienced in ordering and selling goods as well as in staff organisation. Also managing a warehouse was one of my duties and I have always been focused on providing excellent service to customers. I am a German native speaker and I am proficient in using a computer.

During my one year stay in Vancouver I improved my English a lot but I still want to upgrade my knowledge.

At the moment I am in Germany not holding a working permit and Social Insurance Number. To be able to work in Canada legally I have to apply at the Canadian embassy in Germany for the Young Workers Program. A job offer from a Canadian employer is required to apply for this program.

There is no labour market opinion from the Human Resources and Social Development Canada (HRSDC) for the Young Workers Program necessary. A written job offer is sufficient.

I would welcome the chance to convince you of myself and of the advantage of hiring a German worker in a telephone interview or a further correspondence.

If you have any questions or would like to schedule an telephone interview, please write an email at... or call ....

Thank you for your consideration as well as for your reply.

Yours faithfully,

I think you spend too much time on what you need from them and not enough time saying why they should want to hire you. Why should they make you -- of all other applicants -- a job offer? What do you have to offer that is not available to them locally? Answer those questions, and you will be more likely to succeed.

hey simone, thanks for your reply and for your help. you are absolutly right, but it is very hard to answer these questions. do you have any suggetions? i seriously dont know how to explain why a employer should choose a foreign worker? it would be great if you could share some ideas. Do you think i should skip the part explaining what is necessary for me to work in Canada in general? thanks in advance for your help!

"I have more than just the required experience, am a hard worker and have good organization skills."

So you say. But then, anyone can say this. Probably, every other applicant has said this. Can you show them that this is true? Do you have anecdotes or even lists of accomplishments that would show that you are a hard worker, or that you have good organizational skills? And, once you have shown that this is really true, can you then explain how you would apply your organizational skills to the job you are applying for? If you can do these things, you will be well on your way to address the concerns Simone raised about your letter.

You don't need to explain why an employer should hire a foreign worker. You need to explain why they should hire you. If you can find a way to make your experiences in Germany relevant to answering that question, then of course that is a bonus. But really, why would any company want an employee who speaks at least two languages, is familiar with multiple cultures, and is looking for work in an industry that involves dealing with a wide range of customers? Wait a minute . . . .

As to what the company would have to do if they offer you a job, that's the sort of thing you can write to them about after you have the offer. At this point, you should omit those sections from your letter.