Judging book by its cover - Letter to my future roommate, Stanford essay

Hey, guys, I am applying to Stanford this year and would like your opinion on one of my essays:

PROMPT: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

Please don't get discouraged too soon

Hey, you might find my door closed during most of the days, and, if you enter my room, you will probably stumble with piles of books in my bed and music sheets on my piano - unless in Saturdays, my sacred day of tidying up the room -, but don't think me as messy or antisocial; I have a good explanation for that: unfortunately, I am not the light, which travels 3.10^8 m|s and my days lasts only 23h56min04s, so, with so many subjects to study -especially for me, whose mother-language is Portuguese -, piano training, German studies, stock market actions to manage, and researches to carry, going out and ordering my things have to be left in second place. Still, whenever possible, I would much appreciate going to the theatre or to museums.

Despite that, if you need any assistance, please, just knock on the door and enter. At first, you might be scared by me bending towards a book and listening to Vivaldi in high volume - a weird scene, I admit -, but a tap on my back should be enough to get my attention. If you need an explanation of some topic - especially, in Biology and Math -; if you are hungry, or, if you only need a friend to talk to, I shall be your teacher, cooker - actually, one of my hobbies - and friend.

Therefore, please, don't judge this book for its cover: albeit weird at first, I am sure we can help one another in this four amazing years.

Thank you for your help!

Arthur, the first thing you have to consider when writing this letter is that you will not have a whole room to yourself in the dorm. On the contrary, as a freshman, you will most likely be paired up with another student with whom you may share at least one commonality. The way that you wrote this letter, you sound like you are not looking forward to having a roommate. Instead, you would rather that your roommate leave you alone for a majority of the time. The first half makes you sound so closed off and anti-social that it will be impossible for your future roommate to believe otherwise, even if you say so in your letter.

What I am suggesting is this, rather than saying you always leave your room a mess and you fix up on Saturdays only, why not open with your dedication to studies first, then explain that all the research you do leaves you with little time for tidying up and you hope your roommate won't mind that you only fix your part of the room on Saturdays. Extend an offer for your roommate to be as messy as possible also so that the two of you can have come bonding time on Saturdays, tidying up, you teaching your roommate Portuguese and German, and then catching up with some weekend social activities on campus. That makes you sound more open and sociable.

As for Vivaldi, mention your attention will need to be called because you tend to listen to your music loud, which may disturb your roommate so you often have a wireless headset attached to your ears instead. Then insert the part about tapping your shoulder to get your attention. As for cooking, why not volunteer to cook for the two of you once a week instead? Offer to cook simple fare from your home country as a sign of goodwill and promotion of your culture so your roommate can better understand who you are beyond the first impression you will create for yourself the day you finally meet with your roommate.

I don't know exactly about the standard structure, but, try to write in short and complete sentences instead of run-on sentences. the uni may want to see how well you can interact with others, so try to focus on your sociable and helpful habits. also it is not about guy living in another room but about some one living in the same room with you. also try to show your respect to him/her and her privacy.