Motivation Letter for a Machine Learning Master at a Swedish University

Hello everyone, I'm applying to a master's program in Machine Learning at a Swedish University and it is required for me to submit a letter of motivation, 500 words max .

Really appreciate if you have time to take a look and proofread!
Many thanks in advance!

Motivation Letter:

554. The number of lives it takes for the 2019 %COUNTRY% General Election. This toll was not from an electoral dispute or political chaos, but simply because of the exhaustion of a tedious all-manual counting process and tight deadlines. In total, there were 193 million voting papers, that instead, I believe can be easily tallied with an image recognition system. I aim to solve this known issue by building an AI-assisted, and casualty-free electoral system that would help promoting peace, justice, and strong institutions as part of the UN SDG. Among other petty but nationwide problems %COUNTRY% has, this exact matter was what inspired me to study machine learning further the most.

My first exposure to machine learning was when I took four data science courses during my bachelor. Although I passed all of the courses with perfect grades, I realized that I have only scratched the surface and needed more practical learning to face real problems related to the subject. Thus, upon graduation, I decided to have my first full-time job as a software engineer at %COMPANY%, one of the four unicorn tech startups in %COUNTRY%. After two years, I got promoted to become the youngest lead software engineer in %COMPANY% at the age of 23 from other 760 engineers. One of the leadership initiatives I took was to build a data analytics tools onto our product and presented what business improvements we can make several months later. The stakeholders bought it, as my prototype proved to be useful that we iterated 50% faster by hitting the right business decisions everytime we refer to it. Entering my fourth year in %COMPANY%, I noticed that even at tech unicorn's ecosystem, data science is still a niche business in %COUNTRY%, simply because there are not enough experts available in the country. If one of the leading tech companies in the country struggles in solving their problem through data science, let alone the governmental sector with all of its bureaucracies.

I aimed %TARGET_UNIVERSITY% for my study since long because it is one of the best technological universities that have a specific master's programme on Machine Learning. Moreover, I hope %TARGET_UNIVERSITY%'s close relationship with %TARGET_COMPANY% can be a catalyst for my master's thesis plan on Deep Neural Networks optimization using Evolutionary Algorithms on %TARGET_COMPANY%'s recommendation platform. A thesis which I think will benefit both %TARGET_COMPANY% and %TARGET_UNIVERSITY% by broadening %TARGET_UNIVERSITY%'s research scope. But above all, %TARGET_COUNTRY% is famous for its collaborative culture between academic, industry, and government, which I long to learn and apply it for my plan to disrupt the electoral system of %COUNTRY% as a %TARGET_UNIVERSITY% alumnus.

Studying Machine Learning at %TARGET_UNIVERSITY% is an opportunity I would like to grab with both hands, and I hope, upon graduation, I can finally possess the abilities to bring %COUNTRY% closer to a data-oriented government. Considering my academic and professional performance so far, I am confident that I am capable of meeting the University's expectations and what is required for this programme.

The motivation letter did not come full circle. An effective motivation letter would have presented the motivation at the start and ended with a concluding paragraph that brings the academic studies back to how your studies will help you address your motivation for academic improvement. This letter failed to do that. It also does not address any academic accomplishments in relation to your undergraduate studies that would prove your ability to observe, research, experiment, and conclude a masters thesis. Since you mentioned that this practically a career change for you, it is important that you discuss what those 4 data science courses were and how each subject further heightened your interest in the topic. Such explanation would show the progression of your interest in machine learning and, in reference to your specific grades in each subject, prove that you have the intelligence to complete the masters courses. Expand more on the company project that you headed in relation to machine learning. The essay has a good foundation. It just requires additional and relevant information to further boost your motivation explanation.

@Holt
Hi Holt, thank you for the feedback! really appreciate it!
While yes I'd love to restructure my essay according to your feedback, but I'm struggling to pick which sentences that I should delete (because of the 500 words limit) in order to address my academic accomplishments, and to discuss the 4 data science courses. Any idea on that? 🙇‍♂️