A Letter of Recommendation From My Research Adviser--M.S. Program Application. How To Revise It?

Dear Sir or Madam,

I'm writing to support Bowen Yang for applying to admission to your program in the graduate school.

As the academic advisor of Bowen in his Students Research Training Program (SRTP) for around a year, I can attest his ability in research and his leadership in a team, which are quite necessary for a graduate student.

In the year 2014, with the recommendation of his peer, Bowen contacted me to be involved in my research lab. I had a simple conversation with him and I found Bowen was an initiative, independent student. So I asked my PhD student Lina to guide and instruct his team, focused on a topic concerning a kind of biomedical materials, bacterial cellulose. At first they went into some trouble and got stuck for several weeks, which was a normal phenomenon for beginners. In his junior year, a year with heavy tasks and courses, Bowen could only squeeze time in the evening and weekends. I remember on a usual Friday night, it was as late as about 10 pm and I happened to see the lab was light-he was analyzing experimental statistics through Matlab, not aware of my passing by.

Thanks to his and his teammates' effort, they finished the program in a year. He gave the report of his team's work before the committee and not surprised for me, they won the first prize in the Beijing-Level program conclusion.

What delights me was his subsequent involvement in the research. In return to his endeavor, two papers collected by SCI were published by my doctoral students. Though Bowen was not the first author, his contribution, especially his original idea of preparation of the material could not be neglected.

These qualities combined above makes him a qualified candidate in your program admission. Please contact me directly about further questions if needed.

Sincerely,

XXX, PhD

Prof. of XXX

Hi Yang, this is what I came up with in terms of necessary corrections to your paper.

I'm writing to support Bowen Yang for applying to admission ...

... Students Research Training Program (SRTP) for around a year, I can attest TO his ability in research and his leadership in a team, which ... I CAN ATTEST TO HIS LEADERSHIP ABILITIES.

In the year 2014, with the recommendation of his peer, Bowen contacted me to be involved in my research lab [...] I had a simple conversation with him and

... So I asked my PhD student Lina to guide [...] which was a normal phenomenon for beginners.
- THERE IS NO SENSE IN MENTIONING SOMEONE ELSE IN THIS LINE. FOCUS ON YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE TEAM EFFORTS ALONE. THIS IS NOT A NARRATIVE, THIS IS A RECOMMENDATION LETTER. FOCUS ON YOUR SKILLS.

In DURING his junior year, a year with heavy tasks and courses,
... in DURING the evening and weekends.

... and I happened to see the lab was light-he was analyzing experimental statistics through Matlab, not aware of my passing by.
- WHAT EXTRAORDINARY THING HAPPENED THAT HE NEEDED TO MENTION THIS INCIDENT? IF NOTHING HAPPENED THEN REMOVE THE REFERENCE.

... committee and not surprised for me, they won the first prize in the Beijing-Level program conclusion.

...In return to his endeavor,
AS A RESULT OF HIS HARD WORK, two papers collected b...
... preparation of the material could not be neglected. WAS DULY RECOGNIZED IN THE PUBLISHED WORK.

These qualities combined above makes him a qualified candidate in your FOR YOUR program admission ...

Mary,

THX for your kind help. I didn't realize there were as many problems as this. Some revisions are just to the point and you enlightened me a lot. I will think carefully and rebuild it.