The instructions for how it should be written are as follows:
Your personal statement should be addressed to the program director or selection committee and should take the form of a business letter, including a signature. This letter should be used to give the selection committee information about you that will not be found in the rest of your application. Areas you might cover include: how you became interested in the field of nutrition; your personal goals; how skills you have developed through work, school, or hobbies will make you a successful intern and dietitian; special challenges you may have faced; if you have a deficiency in your application, why that has happened. Your letter should give us a feel for who you are and should not be more than 2 pages in length.
I just need help making it sounds better the flow seems off and the ending is just bad. Any help would be awesome!
Here is the essay:
Dear Selection Committee:
I could describe myself in many different ways but the most important to me are wife, mother, and student of dietetics. I recently graduated from Mississippi State University (MSU) with my Bachelor of Science degree, which is a great accomplishment, but I am also the first in my family to receive a degree higher than a high school diploma and that to me is an even greater accomplishment. I have always worked hard to achieve my goals and pride myself in doing the best job possible. My personal motto is "if it's not worth doing right it isn't worth doing at all". This has been a mixture of strength and weakness throughout my life. In school, I worked hard and did my best to achieve the greatest understanding of coursework and the best grades. However, some things simply cannot be done perfectly right, like raising a child or balancing school and having a family. Through these kinds of experiences, I learned patience, understanding, and persistence.
I became interested in dietetics when I first learned about the field through my sisters dietitian. My sister had just given birth to my nephew, he was premature and needed a lot of special care and my sister was learning to breast feed. The dietitian was highly instrumental in teaching her how to breast feed, what her diet should consist of, and issues to watch for in his growth and development. I have always wanted to go into the field of healthcare but I lacked a connection with other areas. Dietetics is interesting and passionate for me, I feel that as a dietitian I can really affect the lives of people and give them long lasting knowledge.
During my field experience course at MSU, I worked under a registered dietitian at a Baptist Memorial Hospital where I gained foodservice and clinical experience. I found that I enjoyed the clinical aspect and worked well in that environment, I spent a lot of time speaking with each patient providing educational materials when necessary. I also learned to read, interpret, and write in medical charts, which was useful when communicating with other members of the healthcare team. I also helped to prepare certain educational materials and gave a lecture on proper food safety and feeding techniques when babysitting infants and toddlers. In the foodservice portion, I worked with others to prepare and serve large quantities of food for both tray line service and the staff cafeteria. I also learned proper storage techniques, proper equipment usage, cleaning procedures and to run the cash register program. I was also responsible for working with the foodservice supervisor to conduct a financial analysis of the entire cafeteria menu. I was prepared for my field experience thanks to the amazing teachers and classes in my undergraduate studies. I had many classes at MSU where I completed case studies focusing on the treatment of patients with different health problems, and I learned how to talk to patients in ways so that I could gain needed information and convey knowledge as well. I also created several educational materials and gave speeches, which helped me become more confident with public speaking. At MSU, I was also in a quantity food class where we gained experience working at a local school cafeteria and at the MSU campus in their foodservice department. I was able to practice working with large amounts of food and learn about the coordination and teamwork it takes to feed a large number of students.
In my future as a dietitian, I have many goals; short term I simply want to complete my internship and pass the RD exam. Afterwards, I would like to work in a clinical setting where I would work toward becoming a specialist in pediatrics. I want to specialize in this field because I believe that nutrition education has the greatest affect during this stage and adolescence. Learning healthy habits early means children are able to grow and learn without the many drawbacks of poor nutrition. I would also like to work within the community to help educate families on how they can provide their family with healthy meals within their means. I have high expectations of my career, I want to really help people and change the way people see their food. Another goal I have is to change the misconception among some groups that healthy food cannot taste good. I want to do this by teaching healthier cooking techniques and exposing people to new foods as well. Eventually I would like to open my own private practice where I can offer this type of education to my patients and perhaps include a gym with personal trainers, since exercise is a big part of being healthy too.
My biggest weakness is that I do not have any significant volunteer or work experience in dietetics. The reason for this is that I have a family including a husband and five-year-old daughter. During my time at my undergraduate school, I chose to focus my time on becoming educated and achieving the best grades possible while balancing my family life. This did not leave much time for volunteer work or a job. I believe that I make up for my lack of experience with strengths I have gained and devotion to my career. I have learned many skills at MSU, such as planning, organizational, and time management skills, without these I undoubtedly would not have achieved a decent GPA or managed to be there for my family. I learned these skills through necessity and determination to succeed in my field. My time at MSU taught me so many valuable skills like problem solving, communication, and teamwork I feel more than prepared for my next challenge, an internship . I know that my education and the experiences I do have make me a great candidate for this internship. The skills I possess are required for success in any field including dietetics, but are especially necessary to succeed in graduate school. Knowing how to manage and schedule time effectively helps me ensure all my assignments are finished in plenty of time and maintaining a high level of organization over my work ensures that I complete all parts of my tasks without missing any information, nothing is forgotten or left until the last moment. I am a good student because I am self motivated and I am determined to become a successful dietitian.
Problem solving skills I have learned come into play on a daily basis, sometimes it means thinking outside of the box, sometimes it means just taking a break. I have learned to know when I have been working on something too long for my work to be effective or when I should try a different approach. Being part of a team is a big part of working in health care; we are all part of a team working towards making the patients better, so working well with others and being a team player is important to work in this field.
Thank you for your consideration,
-Whitney Sheffield
Your personal statement should be addressed to the program director or selection committee and should take the form of a business letter, including a signature. This letter should be used to give the selection committee information about you that will not be found in the rest of your application. Areas you might cover include: how you became interested in the field of nutrition; your personal goals; how skills you have developed through work, school, or hobbies will make you a successful intern and dietitian; special challenges you may have faced; if you have a deficiency in your application, why that has happened. Your letter should give us a feel for who you are and should not be more than 2 pages in length.
I just need help making it sounds better the flow seems off and the ending is just bad. Any help would be awesome!
Here is the essay:
Dear Selection Committee:
I could describe myself in many different ways but the most important to me are wife, mother, and student of dietetics. I recently graduated from Mississippi State University (MSU) with my Bachelor of Science degree, which is a great accomplishment, but I am also the first in my family to receive a degree higher than a high school diploma and that to me is an even greater accomplishment. I have always worked hard to achieve my goals and pride myself in doing the best job possible. My personal motto is "if it's not worth doing right it isn't worth doing at all". This has been a mixture of strength and weakness throughout my life. In school, I worked hard and did my best to achieve the greatest understanding of coursework and the best grades. However, some things simply cannot be done perfectly right, like raising a child or balancing school and having a family. Through these kinds of experiences, I learned patience, understanding, and persistence.
I became interested in dietetics when I first learned about the field through my sisters dietitian. My sister had just given birth to my nephew, he was premature and needed a lot of special care and my sister was learning to breast feed. The dietitian was highly instrumental in teaching her how to breast feed, what her diet should consist of, and issues to watch for in his growth and development. I have always wanted to go into the field of healthcare but I lacked a connection with other areas. Dietetics is interesting and passionate for me, I feel that as a dietitian I can really affect the lives of people and give them long lasting knowledge.
During my field experience course at MSU, I worked under a registered dietitian at a Baptist Memorial Hospital where I gained foodservice and clinical experience. I found that I enjoyed the clinical aspect and worked well in that environment, I spent a lot of time speaking with each patient providing educational materials when necessary. I also learned to read, interpret, and write in medical charts, which was useful when communicating with other members of the healthcare team. I also helped to prepare certain educational materials and gave a lecture on proper food safety and feeding techniques when babysitting infants and toddlers. In the foodservice portion, I worked with others to prepare and serve large quantities of food for both tray line service and the staff cafeteria. I also learned proper storage techniques, proper equipment usage, cleaning procedures and to run the cash register program. I was also responsible for working with the foodservice supervisor to conduct a financial analysis of the entire cafeteria menu. I was prepared for my field experience thanks to the amazing teachers and classes in my undergraduate studies. I had many classes at MSU where I completed case studies focusing on the treatment of patients with different health problems, and I learned how to talk to patients in ways so that I could gain needed information and convey knowledge as well. I also created several educational materials and gave speeches, which helped me become more confident with public speaking. At MSU, I was also in a quantity food class where we gained experience working at a local school cafeteria and at the MSU campus in their foodservice department. I was able to practice working with large amounts of food and learn about the coordination and teamwork it takes to feed a large number of students.
In my future as a dietitian, I have many goals; short term I simply want to complete my internship and pass the RD exam. Afterwards, I would like to work in a clinical setting where I would work toward becoming a specialist in pediatrics. I want to specialize in this field because I believe that nutrition education has the greatest affect during this stage and adolescence. Learning healthy habits early means children are able to grow and learn without the many drawbacks of poor nutrition. I would also like to work within the community to help educate families on how they can provide their family with healthy meals within their means. I have high expectations of my career, I want to really help people and change the way people see their food. Another goal I have is to change the misconception among some groups that healthy food cannot taste good. I want to do this by teaching healthier cooking techniques and exposing people to new foods as well. Eventually I would like to open my own private practice where I can offer this type of education to my patients and perhaps include a gym with personal trainers, since exercise is a big part of being healthy too.
My biggest weakness is that I do not have any significant volunteer or work experience in dietetics. The reason for this is that I have a family including a husband and five-year-old daughter. During my time at my undergraduate school, I chose to focus my time on becoming educated and achieving the best grades possible while balancing my family life. This did not leave much time for volunteer work or a job. I believe that I make up for my lack of experience with strengths I have gained and devotion to my career. I have learned many skills at MSU, such as planning, organizational, and time management skills, without these I undoubtedly would not have achieved a decent GPA or managed to be there for my family. I learned these skills through necessity and determination to succeed in my field. My time at MSU taught me so many valuable skills like problem solving, communication, and teamwork I feel more than prepared for my next challenge, an internship . I know that my education and the experiences I do have make me a great candidate for this internship. The skills I possess are required for success in any field including dietetics, but are especially necessary to succeed in graduate school. Knowing how to manage and schedule time effectively helps me ensure all my assignments are finished in plenty of time and maintaining a high level of organization over my work ensures that I complete all parts of my tasks without missing any information, nothing is forgotten or left until the last moment. I am a good student because I am self motivated and I am determined to become a successful dietitian.
Problem solving skills I have learned come into play on a daily basis, sometimes it means thinking outside of the box, sometimes it means just taking a break. I have learned to know when I have been working on something too long for my work to be effective or when I should try a different approach. Being part of a team is a big part of working in health care; we are all part of a team working towards making the patients better, so working well with others and being a team player is important to work in this field.
Thank you for your consideration,
-Whitney Sheffield