In search of a business mentor. Cover letter to prospective employers

Hello,

Could you give me some feedback?
Is this letter insufficiently or excessively aggressive for an American business audience?

Thank you in advance
Frederic

-------------

In search of a business mentor

Could you share with me your professional acumen? I need constructive advice for accelerating the pace of my career development. The major characteristics of my academic and professional career are presented in the following document, which I have especially designed for the purpose of enlightening you about my current situation.

First, let me introduce myself to you. I am Frederic Cuissinat, a thirty-four year-old French citizen who lives in cohabitation in the environs of the French capital city, Paris. As far as my education, I passed a competitive examination of the French Department of Defence when I was sixteen and studied electronics at a training centre for civilians of the French Army (Centre de Formation des Armements Terrestres). I graduated with a Certificate in Electronics, a Certificate in Measurement, and a High School Diploma in Electronics.

Subsequently, I worked for GIAT Industries (now known as Nexter) on the French main battle tank "Leclerc" for eleven years. I was a Test Operator (as both Gunner and Commander) for three years, a Maintenance Operator for three years, and a Measurement Technician for the last five years. I also fulfilled my military service duty as the secretary of the Chief of the Military Resources Division at the Regional Headquarters Department of the Army in Lyon, France, for ten months. After having been made redundant, I worked as a planning manager for several companies for three years.

However, considering that activities disconnected from the Defence industry clearly lack intellectual interest and that a bachelor's degree was crucial, I entered the American Military University (a regionally and nationally accredited online university offering distance learning programs). I will obtain an undergraduate Certificate in Family Studies in June 2008. As a sophomore with a 3.90 GPA, I am going to declare a major in Intelligence Studies. I have made these academic choices with the willingness to successfully broach the psychological, sociological, political, and economic perspectives of intelligence analysis. My academic achievements have also aroused my curiosity in the strategic denial and deception applications employed in medieval Japan; furthermore, I have been considering learning Japanese.

Notwithstanding the remarkable efforts of my common law wife who had provided for our couple, she was made redundant recently. Consequently, I really do necessitate landing a job to support our couple. At this very point, your help will prove to be inestimable. Indeed, I think I could use a multidisciplinary approach to provide open source intelligence on military-industrial, social, or political issues in the francophone sphere (France, Canada, Africa), focusing on discovering opportunities or threats for companies. Moreover, I could actively take part in the expansion and success of a company by developing and exploiting competitive advances to insure a firm's superiority. May I ask for your opinion and advice? And, do you know vacant jobs of Open Source / Foreign Media analyst in the Defence industry for bicultural or bilingual profiles like me (I scored 97 on the TOEFL iBT / Test of English as a Foreign Language, the most widely accepted English-language test in the world)? Or, even better a private or corporate philanthropic sponsor?

Finally, I thank you for having taken the time to read to this email. I have endeavoured to concisely provide you with sufficient data to discuss my situation and potential opportunities. Nevertheless, this document is only an Ariadne's thread and I am actually willing to pursue the dialogue with you.

Best regards

Greetings!

Your letter, as per all your work, is very well-written. I do have some suggestions, as it is designed for an American audience.

Americans can be, by European standards, rather puritanical. I would avoid using descriptors such as "cohabitation" and "common law wife." It is really no one's business whether your marriage has been solemnized, and, believe it or not, it could actually hurt your chances. Common law marriage has a slightly negative connotation here and there are, in fact, only a couple of states which recognize these unions as marriages.

The phrase "made redundant" is a British one; I would not know what it meant if I did not watch British shows on public television, and many Americans might not recognize the phrase. A better choice might be "laid off" or "downsized," or even "the position was phased out."

I really do necessitate landing a job to support our couple. - An American would say "support my family" even if your family is only you and your wife. However, the "necessity" of your landing a job will not be a plus.

As far as the degree of "aggressiveness" in the tone of your letter, it is all right as-is, but you could make it a bit more aggressive if you wanted. My biggest concern is the length and amount of detail. A stranger is unlikely to spend the requisite amount of time necessary to read all the way through it. I'd advise making it short, succinct, and to the point; otherwise, it's liable to end up in the trash, no matter how informative and well-written it is. The American mantra is "Time is money."

I'm a little unclear as to the purpose of the letter. Are you merely asking for advice, or for a job? If it is, as the title suggests, a "cover letter to prospective employers" I think you need to be more specific about why you are writing. The best approach would be to tell, in a paragraph or two, why that company needs you--how can you benefit them? The reader may find himself asking, "What's in it for me?"

It is not my intention to paint American business in a negative light; I'm just trying to present the facts realistically. A total stranger is unlikely to spend much time giving you free advice; a potential employer is unlikely to offer a job to someone who does not really know exactly what job he is looking for. America is a country of both great opportunity and cutthroat capitalism. C'est la vie. :-))

Best of luck in your endeavors!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com