Undergraduate motivation letter to state my interest to apply for Bachelor in industrial engineering

With this letter I hereby wish to state my interest and ebullient to apply for Bachelor program in industrial engineering. I have developed this strong passion towards this program since I was kid, dreaming to make Indonesia, or even the world to the better place

Quoting over one of the greatest scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson said that "Ever since the Industrial Revolution, investments in science and technology have proved to be reliable engines of economic growth" which I believe industrial engineering is holding the important key for economical flow in Indonesia. Our industrial growth and movement in the world right now is what evoke me more to be interested being part of this program, by me joining this program, could make me one step further to reach my dream. Surrounded by amazing people and great university, make me believe that this dream is going to be accomplished in a flash

Joint influence of my artistic skills, knowledge and my ability to communicate in English which I believe helped me to be more closer to the world. As one of the main professional achievements I would like to point out my involvement in the Southern-Sumatra debate competition, that I get the second place, the first winner of debate competition in my city, second place for LCT Bahasa Indonesia, that make me not only good at English but also my native tongue Bahasa Indonesia, strengthen my ability to be a good communicator

I feel that I have not satisfied my urge to learn, especially when there is so much still to learn. I have strong desire to push a head, and I plan to invest a lot in my education to build my career. I now require a program that can provide me with the best resources, and educational tools available. Indonesia University can rightly provide me those and I hope that I will be given an opportunity to not only study at Indonesia University, but also to become fully absorbed in the planning community.

Since the research focus and facilities available in Indonesia University, complement my interests and requirements, I believe that being a student in it would not only empower my career development, but would give me the framework my utilize my full potentials. I realize the highly competitive demands of the program, but I have the ability, ambition and motivation to exceed the requirements and to excel. I am eager to gain new experiences, and, in my opinion, this program is the best way to achieve that. Therefore, I would be very proud and happy if I received the admission for this program.

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i need a correction and grammar fixed, thank you!

is that good enough, or do i still need change here and there? thank you!

Hi Agung, I read your essay and I must say that with the intention or the purpose of the essay, I believe the words are quiet off like "ebullient", "interest" is good and just right for the essay.

Now, I understand that the essay you want to submit should be impressive and you want to use words that are not an average or unlikely to be used on essays but this may confuse your readers. What I suggest, revise your essay and try to re-word your sentences, words that are conversational will most likely appeal to the admission staff, also, in your field, engineering, English may not be the strongest point and a good level of English is much appreciated.

I hope my insights help and while you're doing the revision, be sure to be simple and direct to the point, this helps a lot in understanding the purpose of your essay that will definitely lead to admission.

should i change it, any suggestion?

Hi. I think your essay is enough as it shows how passionate are you to pursue industrial engineering. Maybe you could elaborate more on your achievements in science subjects such as chemistry and physics. Industrial engineering is focusing mostly based on these two subjects with an addition of mathematics. Try to elaborate more on what skills you have acquired during the lessons and lab session of these subjects in schools. You may include your achievement as a debater but it might not related much to the major. Please watch out for your grammar. Try to avoid using bombastic words and long sentences as the longer your sentences are, there will be more grammar mistakes. That's all from me. Good luck ! ^^

Well Agung, I say yes, you revise your essay and here's a little modification.

1st paragraph
- With this letter I hereby wish to state myhope to highlight my interest
- and ebullient to applyin applying for
- Bachelors program
- in I ndustrial E ngineering.
- since I wasas a kid,
- dreaming to make Indonesia, or even the world to thean even better place to be.

Agung, as you can see, there's a lot more to be done in your essay which somehow is minor but they affect the essay so much that it may mean a different idea as suppose to what you want to say. Also, it doesn't hurt if you break the norms on writing, I understand that you wish to create an essay that is formal and apt to what is asked but it should not sound like a letter to the Queen of England. This is a motivation essay, meaning, what matters is the answer to the question, What motivates you in applying for the Bachelors program in Industrial Engineering.

There you have it, I hope it helps and I wish to review your essay very soon.

thank you so much! @ justivy03

Hi Agung, you're most welcome, I hope to see the revision soon and while you're doing so, I suggest the following;

- do a little research on similar topic and essay, this helps build a healthy comparison, therefore giving you a heads up on what other applicants are doing and how you can outshine them.

- have a more realistic approach in your essay, in your case, the motivation you have in pursuing this program should be realistic and something that can mean more to you than to anyone else, because at the end of the day, what you are going to do as soon as you join the program is real, so being realistic is one of the factors that will let your essay stand out.

- learn to criticize your writing, as I mentioned, a healthy comparison will not hurt and a good practice is when you try to do it yourself, read your essay as if you are the third person reading it.

More importantly, be honest, write with your heart and make it real, give life to your dreams and be the person that you are.

Best of luck to you Agung!