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"You broad my eyes," -my first poem


cibaki 2 / 4  
May 29, 2008   #1
You broad my eyes,
and say "I love you".
I close my eyes,
I think I love you.

You turn around,
and say " I cheated you".
I think something's wrong,
and leave you.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
May 29, 2008   #2
Good morning :)

This is very good! You have clear language and tone, and the meter of your first stanza is great: 5-4-5-4. The second stanza's meter strays a little, 4-6-5-4. It looks as if you are trying for iambic pentameter, and that is what makes the first stanza work so well. Think about reversing the iambic pentameter and turning the second stanza into a 4-5-4-5 pattern; this is close to what you already have, so it might be realtively easy. For instance, the second stanza could be rearranged as:

"You turn around (4)
and say, "I'm a cheat"; (5)
I know that's wrong, (4)
as I close the door."

Or something to that effect.

Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
getitlow 7 / 17  
Dec 9, 2008   #3
I think it's short and sweet :) nice one ;)
Bobby25250 2 / 4  
Dec 10, 2008   #4
I like the way this poem sounds. Short and very clear. I like it. =)
charliesun 9 / 28  
Jan 3, 2009   #5
concise and clear.not bad:)


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