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Cosmonaut - Poem about personification/metaphor


Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Nov 13, 2013   #1
Hey guys,

It's been a while since I posted on here (used to be a contributor :]) I'm taking a class in poetry and the teacher wanted us to write a poem that either revolves around some sort of personification or metaphor without any other guidelines. I'm inexperienced in poetry so I thought I would fall back on the old and trusty EssayForum.com for some help!

Cosmonaut

She is a skipping stone, her dress a silken polish.
An ephemeral force whisks her out, stardust dancing along her rim.
On her first bounce, she slams into the water, her ripples crashing out into the furthest of planets.
Her second bounce grazes the moon, she waltzes along the shimming void,
She glides across bottomless cosmos on her third bounce, she slows, her light fading.
And on the fourth bounce she rests, eternal as the night sky.
JulieRose 4 / 10  
Nov 20, 2013   #2
"Her dress a silken polish" ??

How about
Her dress blossoms
mg_920 2 / 3  
Nov 27, 2013   #3
Llamapoop123

So basically if I were you I would just change a couple of words. The "her dress" part is a bit awkward and does flow nicely. I love the imagery of the poem, it sounds marvelous. Then, what I would suggest is break up some of your lines. Sometimes they're just a bit too long, if they would be broken up the feeling of the poem would cause more of an impact on the reader.

She is a skipping stone, her dress - blossoming.
An ephemeral force whisks her away, stardust dancing along her rim.
On her first bounce, she slams into puddles, her ripples crashing out into the furthest of planets.
Her second bounce grazes the moon, she waltzes along the shimming void.
She glides across bottomless cosmos.
On her third bounce, she slows, her light fading...
And on the fourth bounce she rests,
Eternally as the night sky.


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