This is the first poem I've ever written - "Sorrow"

This is the first poem I've ever written influenced by lyrics of Judas Priest's "Angel" single. I understand, it is far from perfection, but I would like to know about impression it creates on readers. Thank you.

Sorrow

Despair imprisons my mind
My thought ramble in shadows
Fading trust, I know
Takes me to disaster

Where's the light of peace
To lead me through the sadness
Where is the moon of hope
To lit my soul in darkness.

Now answer. No response. But why?
Perhaps I should cease searching.
Time to end this useless cry
And start my own healing.

Shattered goals left behind
No regret for broken dreams
Strengthened faith washes away
Snatches of sorrow around me.

Hello, Azeri

I enjoyed reading this poem! As its title conveys, it is clearly morose.


I just have to say, I really liked that!

The poem asks many questions so I got the impression that the speaker is suffering from despair as a result of confusion about his/her role in life or a desire to give in to hopelessness, yet the last stanza makes it seem as if the speaker craves meaning and hope.

I don't know, just my impression ^^

As for the structure of the poem, I would only remark that I would like to see more punctuation. I know it seems to go against the flowy spirit of poety but punctuation can help the reader follow the ideas in the poem. When you are writing it, you probably naturally come to pauses. You can put a comma there. But you should do what you are comfortable with, you are writing for yourself :-) When my 10th grade teacher told me to put punctuation into my poetry, I really didn't want to! Though, I will say, I now appreciate the value of punctuation in poetry and do incorporate it.

my favorite line.


i understand what you mean, but it may not affect the reader correctly... strengthened faith does not wash away... faith washes away despite having been recently strengthened.

The sandcastle of faith is was fortified, but now it washes away.

Seems like a song that should be played in A minor.

Yeah, that kind of shook my reading, I got it but it just sounded odd to me. I wasn't sure how to explain that X ) (Again, this is why Kevin rocks)

May be, this is because I wrote the poem while listening to music :) Sad accords impelled me to take the pen and create something that reflects me.


Maria, as you pointed correctly, the poem expresses struggles with my ego. After pouring my reflections out on a paper I felt like I got rid of burdensome stuff that gnawed me somewhere in my subconscious. Now I felt much easier :)))

Thank you both! :)

Shattered goals left behind
No regret for broken dreams
Revived faith washes away
Snatches of sorrow around me.

I changed "strengthened" to "revived". Does it fit the overall composition of stanza and the spirit of the poem?


Yes. he is "Metallica" of the essayforum.(for those not interested in rock, this is the best metal band in the world) :)))

I like how despair rhymes a little bit with "where's" from the beginning of the next stanza.

I changed "strengthened" to "revived". ---- It's good, but make this kind of decision based on what you want do to the reader's experience. Revive enunciates the 2nd syllable instead of the first and implies that it needed revival, whereas strengthened enunciated the 1st syllable and implies that it improved something that had not necessarily subsided/waned...

Hey, thanks for comparing me to Metallica, that is my biggest compliment ever, despite being a little blasphemous.