Hi, I am most certainly not an experienced poet, but I do enjoy writing. This particular poem is about my life actually, and it is somewhat self explanitory. I am planning on giving it to the girl that it is about, just as soon as it is somewhat good. It has no particular structure (haiku, sextet, etc.) but i didnt really want to have structure anyway. It kind of represents the ambiguity of the relationship me and the girl have.
If you can revise this at all, I would be very thankful. Be as blunt as you have to be. Just don't be too mean please!
A limerant, caught, so voluntarily
Like melody drawn nightingale
Like torch drawn moth
No physicality bonds him
Yet he remains still
Bound by the emotional shackles he himself helped forge
The man remains captive
He longs to embrace his hypnotic siren
Unsure from previous osculation
He waits as does the flower to the sun
Boldness wishes to pursue
Shall the flower be bold and pursue the sun,
The sun so consumed and distant?
Timidity produces doubt
The man remains wondering
His siren is called, she hears questionably
His paramour hides from him
As the evening moon hides from the sun
Does she shelter her passion within?
Or lack the affection he so desires?
The man remains hopeful
How he would walk on blazing embers to end at her feet
Or tread on glass to hear her speak
The distance becomes greater
As autumn falls, color reborn
He slightly burns within
Wishing to follow her to the shores of freedom
Wishing to be where stars are born
The man remains a limerant
I like much of the language and imagery in this poem. However, I see a central problem. First, I believe you mean "limerent" not "limerant." Next, that is an adjective, not a noun. In other words, there is no such thing as "a limerent." That's like calling somebody "a pretty" or "an awful."
Even if you wanted to take poetic license to do that, limerence itself is an obscure concept with which you might not want to associate yourself if you are hoping to win the favor of the person for whom the poem was written. If the reader does know what limerence is, then she will probably know that the concept is centered on intense emotion that usually does not last.
I know that I am challenging the central premise of your poem. I'm sorry about that, but you did ask for feedback. On the upside, you clearly have a gift for imagery and I rather like the rhythm of some of your lines.
Devotion is the core of love; I think you should emphasis it more in this poetry.
Ambiguity arises from the judgment of pros and cons of an actions; devotions in other hand does not care about the cons, it only care about how to be there for the object of devotions (how to "serve" the object of devotion). Devotion removes all traces of egoism.
How you express your emotions to her, in my perspective is already good, but it still needs a resolution. (act of devotion will provide it for you)
