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Poem on 5 senses (dream theme)


supergirl 1 / 4  
Jan 23, 2010   #1
hey!!
i have a poem on the 5 senses n its has to be about a "dream"
i realy need help ( i suck at poetry)
here is wat i have written so far

Dream is the smooth success of life like the river flowing without and end.
My voice ,going like a melody, croweds cheer
Raising of audience
Pink,red roese just for me
The smell of money is like a cake baking in the oven
The feeling of success is as warm as the heat form the fire in a winter storm
Walking on the pass of hapinnes is like walking on a rainbow

PLZ HELP !!!!!!! IT DUE ON MONDAY!!1
qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 23, 2010   #2
Touch, see, smell, hear and taste.

Dream, like the flowing river without an end
Melody, the cheer of crowds, might as well be
My best friend
The raising of audience, can't you see?
Are always there for me
The feeling, is
So sweet, honey
Been success is not always about money.

This is what I got, you can use this as an example to help you with your poem(if you think mine is better, I think an example from a student just like you is better than a peom from a poet). I don't really know much about poetry, but I think you should break your lines up (1st, 2nd last, and the last lines), and try get some rhyme - at least that would make us newbies sound more professional lol.

Hope this helps!
I panicked when I had to write my first poem too, I think you will do fine.
OP supergirl 1 / 4  
Jan 24, 2010   #3
thx , this realy help :)
OP supergirl 1 / 4  
Jan 24, 2010   #4
does this sound gud

Taste of love is like
Vanilla icecream on a summer day
qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 24, 2010   #5
It's pretty good, but I need to read more lines to give more comments.

Is there any particular form of poetry you are suppose to write?

if not and if you like short poem, try haiku.

not sure if you can fit everything into 3 lines though, I had hard time writing haikus.

I found it easier to write a poem by writing out the "contents" first, doesn't matter about if it's like poetry. Then I start editing it into a poem, it took me like 10 hours for my first poem. And for real poets, it took them years to edit a poem they like, and some will continue editing.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 24, 2010   #6
I don't think you need a comma after crowds.

Ice cream is 2 separate words.

Qimin writes sometimes with lines that get longer, one after another, and I think that is a great style. You have something like that happening when you use these to start lines:

Dream, like the...
Melody, the ...
My best friend, (and what if you had more words in this line? would that be good for building tension?)

I like the way it starts with 1 syllable (dream) and then 3 (melody) and then 3 as separate words (my best friend.)

What is the frie? I like the rhythm of this a lot, but it is hard to understand at the end. I don't think been is the right word.

:-)
OP supergirl 1 / 4  
Jan 25, 2010   #7
Dream, like the flowing river without an end
Melody, the cheer of crowds, might as well be
My best friend
The raising of audience, can't you see?
Are always there for me
taste of love is like
Vanilla ice cream on a summer day
The feeling, is the
Warmth of the fire in a winter storm
Been success is not always about money.

what can i add to make my poem more complete
qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 25, 2010   #8
honestly, over half of your peom is mine lol o.o, and I don't know how your new add stuff relates to mine at all.
BORE 2 / 8  
Feb 20, 2010   #10
it is not bad but everything is out ,try to find words that will make it a deeper meaning .i dont feel that line "the smell of money ,try to find rewards of siccess rather than money ,it will sound more appealing.nice try though!
MAC JR 1 / 1  
Mar 6, 2010   #11
I also have to do a few sense poems so I will comment here:

For your short Taste of love poem

I like the simile. My suggestion might be to add how it makes you feel at the end.

My thoughts were something like:

I smile, contented or

chilling contentment


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