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"My Sleepy Girl" - is this poem fine?


Austyboy08 1 / 3  
Oct 16, 2010   #1
Hey all,
I am a writer by no means! This all just popped into my head to day and i had to write it down. Just want to see if it is any good. I don't even know if it is formated correctly, please help me out with anything that comes to mine.

Thank you!!!

"My Sleepy Girl"

Rhythm of my heart and my sleepy girl's breathing,
Her almond eyes that have fallen asleep,
Lips like silky red ribbon,
Inviting and alluring me,
Her face drenched in night moonlight,
Comely and beautiful still
The glow of her body warming my skin,
Watching her breast rise and fall like the ocean sea,
As she lay her head down on me,
Covers like clouds lay over her hips,
Enticing me ever still,
And the smell of her hair,
Lingering on my skin,
I've been claimed by her scent once again,
Playing the night over and over again,
Letting that night never end,
My sleepy girl's breathing,
My heart still is beating,
...again and again, again.

Thoughts?
RyanVi16 12 / 91  
Oct 16, 2010   #2
Aww... that's cute.

Her face drenched in the night moonlight (you can take out "night")

ComelyCalmly and beautiful still

Watching her breast rise and fall like the ocean seawave

Covers like clouds lay over her hips, (what covers like cloud? her head?)
OP Austyboy08 1 / 3  
Oct 17, 2010   #3
Thank you very much!

Covers like clouds lay over her hips, (what covers like cloud? her head?)

-Covers, like your bed sheets, (laying on her body like a cloud would on the ground) and its supposed to imply that they are only pulled up on to her hips. The upper half of her body being exposed. Do you think it needs to be rewritten to better describe that picture?

Thanks again!
RyanVi16 12 / 91  
Oct 17, 2010   #4
Oh i see. Use quilt, blanket, comforter or something less ambiguous.
Otherwise I love it :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 20, 2010   #5
That first line begins with the title of a Rod Stewart song... if it can be reworded, it won't immediately get the reader thinking of that song... not that all readers will be familiar with that song, but... your poem is high quality stuff, so it deserves to not be in the shadow of some Rod Stewart song, ha ha... "The rhythm of my heart, it beating like a drum... etc"

As she lay her head down on me,---- should be lays, right? with an s?

Consider this idea:
I've been claimed by her scent once again,
Playing the night over and over, again ,
Letting that night never end...

:-)
ndortonne 1 / 3  
Nov 5, 2010   #6
Calmly and * instead of comely.
A very beautiful poem. May I suggest you enter some competitions :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 14, 2010   #7
Calmly and * instead of comely.

Nope, comely is correct, too! Google the word comely to see what it means! :-)


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